This year seems to be going rough for everyone that I know. I feel as if we can’t blame Mercury Rx or Mars Rx — although, for us Libras, this Mars Rx in Libra is being a real bother… — because there is a percentage of these faults that are our own. Bodies give out, circumstances don’t cooperate, and people fall out of love with one another. It happens. It’s really not worth preoccupying everybody else with the suspicion that something is up, because there are people who are going through real problems and real worries. Somewhere out there, there is a lost airplane from Malaysia with people that really need to get back to their lives, jobs and families. Chile and California are shaking continuously, and animals are fleeing Yellowstone Park as a warning that the volcano might be going off. Those are the real problems we should be worried about. I digress...
Lately I have been evading bullets with people close to me. I am not a yes person by any means, and find myself growing nervous when my plans don’t turn out as planned. I am so careful with my plans that I give myself enough leeway for spontaneity. Let’s face it, life happens all the time. Giving yourself enough wiggle room at least gives you a chance to react when your plans aren’t going as planned. However, there is a chance that no matter how well you plan ahead of time, things don’t work out the way that you planned. I promised C that I’d look after her cat. She is dating J, my room mate, and is the sweetest. We have been hanging out lately and enjoying one another’s company. J is never home, doesn’t lift a finger to clean and will not be moved to look after the cat after a long day at work. That’s the truth. N tells me that she is going out of town and is looking for someone to take care of her dog, so I volunteer. N is my best friend from college and a person that I would do anything for. I check to make sure schedules don’t conflict before making the commitment. N will be gone from Friday to Wednesday, and C from Friday to Monday. This means I can do it! And I even have an extra day for cleaning. Perfect…
Not perfect. When I get to N’s house, she springs a surprise trip back home on me. Meaning she won’t be back until Monday. I went to bed and thought about it, then consulted C about my situation and made the terms very clear. Wednesday night rolls around and I have no confirmation from N or C, I feel pressure of letting them down, and I tell myself I can’t leave this dog by himself if someone isn’t coming to pick him up.
Let’s complicate the knot a little bit. In the midst of the mental whirlwind of trying to make matters fit, I get a text from K acting very upset. I really like her and I don’t mind her venting at all. 2014 has been extremely hard on her; she was the one that had a really bad tragedy happen to her in January. I have wanted to be around for her because she claims she needs the company. I am a very solitary person, so I relish friendship when it is freely offered. I was shocked with a private confession and worried; my response ends up being offensive to my friend, who withdraws faster than I can counter, and leaves me wishing I had chosen my words more carefully. In light of these events, I turned off the working station and went to take a shower. During the shower, this blog post started writing itself in my mind and I decided to put away my thoughts and to enjoy the shower instead. When I was done, I crawled into bed and turned on my Macbook Pro. The mental meltdown happened at 10P.M., and it is 11P.M. by the time I have gone through the whole issue. Writing this entry has given me the chance to step back and take it all in at once.
Before long, I am going to turn the computer off and bury myself under the sheets. I will seek solace in my pillow and hope that by tomorrow, the way forward will be clear. I will pull some tarot cards and make note of what I get, then we will go back and assess it before this post goes live. To be honest, I am debating whether or not to post it. I don’t like to make my personal business public, especially with so many friends involved. The fact that their identities are concealed reassures me, although anyone who knows me well enough will probably know who I am talking about. Hell, if the friends mentioned read my blog, they will easily be able to identify their roles in the story.
My dreams have been telling me things lately, or rather, warning me of very important events. I am starting to gain perspective on a dream I woke up really dazed from this [Wednesday] morning. In the dream, I found myself walking outside my neighborhood in Puerto Rico. It was storming heavily, with pelting rain and high winds. It was night time and dark out, none of the lamp posts were lit. Every now and then lightning would strike, and the scene would be horrifying. The plants were pale and stretched out menacingly. They looked like tentacles, and swayed in the wind as if they had a mind of their own. Instead of soil, there were bugs by the hundreds. Roaches, worms, beetles, large ants. My eyes widened every time the lightning lit up the scene, it was a real nightmare. I didn’t run away in fear, though, I stood my ground for some reason. When the scene was dark, the plants were back to normal. They were as I remembered them. Every time that lightning flashed, though, I was forced to see something really ugly.
BREAKING DOWN THE SYMBOLS:
☆ Storm: Overwhelming struggle, shock, loss or catastrophe in waking life. Unexpressed fears or emotions; anger, rage, turmoil, etc. It may also mean rising spirituality, or rapid changes. I resonate with the meaning of the symbol in the sense that I am a bit afraid to face my friends with the truth of the situation because I am trying to protect them. I also feel the circumstances are out of my control and hostile.
☆ Lightning: Sudden awareness or light being shed in the darkness. The ugly truth reveals itself. Shocking events are implied. Many forces governing your life may be beyond your control and even destructive.
☆ Lawn: To see a green lawn represents hope.You are in control and making steady and smooth progress. If the lawn is overgrown or full of weeds, then it means that you are not taking good care of yourself. Yeah, no kidding. It can’t be good care of yourself if you’re off worrying about how somebody else is feeling about something you did or did not do.
☆ Bugs: Symbolic of anxiety or fears. What is literally bugging you?
☆ Tentacles: Unknown danger lurking from the depths of your subconscious. Your subconscious is trying to pull you in so you can address the issues that you have been refusing to confront or acknowledge. Alternatively, the dream refers to a very clingy relationship.
Once more, proof of how dreams can tell us exactly what it is that we need to pay attention to, even if we don’t realize it immediately when we have that dream. I am very impressed with the foreboding quality of the warning that the dream delivers, and wish that I had listened before it got to this point.
Friends are wonderful, but we should never compromise ourselves if we can help it. No one likes to end up looking bad for not upholding a prior commitment.
Oh, and by the way, this happened last week. The matter has already been solved. Come the next day, N wrote me back saying it was okay for me to stay at her house until she got back on Monday. C left the cat with J, who took good care of it. I wrote to K, and while she is distant, I think she is learning to cope with her situation.
Sometimes, the best way to deal with something is not to overload yourself with it. We have so much going on already, it’s a shame to dampen a good day with problems. I really hope that K will come around, but it’s up to her whether or not she wants help or company.
It’s hard when you want to but can’t please everyone. The most important part is to be true to yourself.
Guess who’s back home! Truth be told, I have been feeling such powerful inclinations to write. It has been really surreal to feel that electric feeling in my fingers, but not have the resources that I needed to post.
Last week there was no Hello Witches post, but the journal entries have once more started to flow. We’re going to have a mix of lifestyle entries as well as advice columns. We all need advice sometimes.
This week looks a little topsy-turvy to me, with the presence of Majors and an Ace. It all feels a lot like the circumstances rearrange themselves only to fall into place again. It’s kind of weird, but that’s how life flows.
Last week was uneventful save for work, but I have an interesting dream premonition to share. It was quite an eye-opener and a warning.
♡ Monday. Three of Wands. It’s a day with no present action, but a day that doesn’t go without the desire for it. He seems so lonely, playing out his instrument in search of someone to play music with him. But there he stands, in a great place. He should be happy, even if he has no company to share his happiness with.
♡ Tuesday. Page of Cups. A small manifestation of feelings. Telling someone you care for them, accepting an apology, and accepting that sometimes we all get vulnerable. This is a very vulnerable card in the sense of having naive feelings to share. That can get us into trouble when we don’t guard our hearts.
♡ Wednesday. The Fool. Do you feel like a Fool? Sometimes I do, and it’s okay. Our lives are very public when we go off the invisible boundaries of the Internet. Try not to take an risks today for fear of being made out to seem a Fool. Play it safe and you won’t gain much, but fail in the process and you won’t like how it feels. Be careful.
♡ Thursday. Temperance. The awkward circumstances balance out and finally you can breathe. It’s nice to breathe, isn’t it? Sometimes we just need to pause and look into ourselves so we can figure out what is and is not working for us.
♡ Friday. Five of Wands. Conflict of interest can lead to misunderstandings and confrontations. After a week when nothing really seems stable, the best thing to do is just to let things sort themselves out in time.
♡ Saturday. Ace of Wands. Follow that flame, wherever it leads you. You’ll end up soaring towards your greatest passions. A burst of creativity can lead to a very productive wave, so whichever way it hits, ride the wave and seek to empower yourself.
♡ Sunday. Nine of Pentacles. A good feeling; or rather, a great feeling! Spring is in and the atmosphere feels completely lit up. Go out for a stroll and enjoy yourself. After such a weird week, you deserve it.
♡ What to avoid. Ten of Cups. Stop seeking your ideal romantic situation. It will come to you when the time is right; forcing it to happen will only leave you confused and in pain. You deserve better; don’t do this to yourself.
♡ What to strive for. Queen of Coins. Financial independence and maturity. For me, this card represents my Mother, which is visiting next week. I am feeling very happy to have her coming over because she always lightens up my life. I am really looking forward to spending time together and going on adventures.
Let’s get this week going, even if a little late.
On March 22nd, 2014, Batcave at the Medusa Lounge held its Villain’s Ball. I had been looking forward to it for about four weeks, or rather, since the time it was announced. You know me, you know that villainy resonates with me. There is something about being singled out and forced to live in the margins that makes me feel that I can identify myself as one of them. After all, not all villains are bad.
For the longest time I had considered going in my black leather bunny mask as my own character; you know who I am talking about. Bunny Debauch sprung to life sometime in 2010, and since then remains the guise that I don when I want the world to know that I am up to no good. I have gone as Bunny Debauch to comic conventions and club outings, but in private I have also taken on the double identity. It’s fun!
As the party crept closer, I got excited to sharpen my symbolic claws and step out for a night of dark romantic fun. A chance encounter the week before the event inspired me to watch all of the Saw movies all over again, and after careful consideration, I decided to switch the bunny mask for dramatic make-up. That’s right, I decided to go as Billy the Puppet from Saw instead. There were psychological themes to the movie that prompted deep thought in me. I am not at all attracted to gore and suffering, so please don’t think me a hypocrite in my trade! The allure comes from the passion with which John Kramer, Saw’s villain, wants people to rethink their lives. The ‘victims’ are actually real-life villains who find their way ahead by dooming others. Some of them don’t really appreciate their life until they are subjected to gruesome tests.
The pattern in the Saw movies is apparent. There are two kinds of tests; in one, patients undergo psychological torture and witness the death of others that have helped the patient climb to the top without ethics or scruples. The other test involves paying for your crimes by mutilating yourself before a timer runs out in order to survive. In the first case, when the patient gets to the end unruffled, it is up to the person that they harmed to forgive them and grant them life. The other person is being tested as well, and when vengeance trumps forgiveness, everyone dies. Very twisted morals, wouldn’t you say?
John Kramer’s traps terrify me. I find them absolutely gruesome. The idea of embodying the puppet at an event seemed exciting. The movies stopped airing a few years ago, and while it was a big deal during Halloween, it feels as if the Saw fever has died down. Bringing back a villain is always a good idea, so I started scheming how to make it work. Before bed, I would think about materials needed to craft my face into a puppet’s likeness. I wanted the end result to be a direct allusion to the puppet without sacrificing my identity. One night I even considered using latex to mold my cheek bones to protrude. It was extreme!
In truth, I waited until the night of the event to try the contacts on and do the make-up. I gave myself three hours before the event to do it, which was just barely enough. My friends arrived just as I had finished my make-up, which meant I wasn’t even wearing the outfit yet. In a race, I threw all my essentials into my coffin backpack and got dressed. I snapped a few pictures and went down the elevator, excited to get out. When the doors opened, an unsuspecting man saw me and jumped back. He shouted, “holy shit!” and as a result, I laughed pretty hard. There is a satisfactory feeling to scaring someone else for the first time. It had never happened before, and felt like something I could get used to. I loved the feeling.
We were amongst the first to arrive at the party, so we headed to the bar. I started the night off with a White Russian. Shortly thereafter, all three of us girls were on the dance floor, jamming out to And One’s Sometimes, which happened to be a personal anthem that week. The rest of the night was spent obliging to photo ops and engaging in conversation. At some point, I switched to champagne.
Something about the gothic music scene in California makes me feel like a child again. It makes sun a difference to listen to music that you enjoy and have been listening to throughout the years. Depeche Mode, And One, Blutengel, The Cure, Nine Inch Nails, IAMX… You want to dance? Go dance! Seeing people putting effort into their outfits to be as creepy as possible is a huge plus, as is dancing amongst them all on the dance floor. Nobody cares if you’re expressing yourself or sulking in a corner, watching the others dance. If you are there to have fun, it’s hard to go wrong. If you look out for yourself and you manage not to get entangled in group drama, you are likely to meet some nice people and have a very good time.
When you go out, you have a set of familiar faces that you are looking forward to see and catch up with. They tell you their stories and ask about yours, then you share a few drinks and a few laughs. You dance, you get your photo taken and you celebrate life for a little while. It is escapism at its finest, and seems to be a therapeutic experience for those of us who do not spent every waking day dressed up. I love it!
At around 12A.M., I met up with Roger. We got our photo taken and terrorized the dance floor for a while. After a while at the party I had forgotten that we were supposed to meet that night, but then there he was. If he hadn't grabbed my arm as we lurked past him, I probably wouldn't have noticed him. It was nice to see him enjoying himself at the club, he is usually the one I drag there. We even danced Pong together, one of the club hits from Puerto Rico that I have often told him about. We have grown very close throughout my time here in California. Nearing 2A.M., he brought me home because my eyes started rejecting the contacts. On the way home, I was blind as a bat and couldn’t look out at the street. It felt a lot like being a mole with sensitive eyes, so now I know what they go through. You won’t believe this, but Roger actually had to take the contacts out for me. He super saved the night, because I think I would have gone crazy taking them out by myself. For a while, it felt as if I was experiencing one of John Kramer’s traps. Oh man, I would have failed one relating to the eyes so bad! Luckily, that was not the case.
That night was my first night wearing contacts. They were actually a birthday present from Hugo, may be rest in peace. Now they are torn in one eye and I can’t wear them anymore, but I am going to keep them for sentimental purposes. Sleep was extremely hard to conciliate; I was coughing up a storm and my eyes stung. With great patience, I drifted into a happy sleep. I had so much fun that night!
I suppose this diary entry serves as a look into my favorite Los Angeles delights. Thank you if you read this! Now you can say that you know me a little better.
I didn’t feel the presence of last week’s Hello Witches. Not because I wasn’t attentive to it, but because I felt disconnected from the signs that the cards were highlighting. In truth, I got lost in the depths of my mind and refused to surface until it was apartment cleaning day, also known as preparations to go goth clubbing. Nowadays, all I really care about is working, being happy and going out to glam it up with the Dead Boy or the club kids. I’ve got something good going in Los Angeles, and I really wish I had taken the risk to come here before. But that was then, this is now. I really love life these days.
This coming week seems very dark, but count on me to look for a silver lining. The year has been marred by the news of death and loss, and I guess that’s just exactly what I don’t want more of. There is only so much mourning we can endure before it turns to self-destruction. The Wild Unknown Tarot is a very dark deck, it speaks in whispers and it tells you exactly what it reckons you need to know. There is no sugarcoating allowed in a world where things are just as they seem.
♡ Monday. Six of Swords. Success! Get the week started off on the right foot and strive to uphold the ideals that you preach. Even when you don’t see the point to what you’re doing, remember that it’s all part of a bigger picture and it will all fall into perspective eventually. There are positive signs that remind you there is a promise of better things coming in the future, and that’s exactly what you must live for.
♡ Tuesday. Three of Swords. Ouch. Sometimes, we get hurt. Sometimes, we hurt someone. We don’t always want to do it; to be honest, maybe we never do. It’s part of life to embrace pain, be it in the form of bad news or realizations that we would much rather do without. It’s part of being human and being alive, so we have to make the most out of what we’ve got. We can’t just lie in a ditch in pain for the rest of the week.
♡ Wednesday. Eight of Swords. Retreat into your room or your world if you need to recover. Maybe it’s not the best time to come out if the circumstances feel so tough. Breathe and allow yourself the time you need to deal with the situation.
♡ Thursday. Eight of Cups. Time to move on, or at least to pick back up on your life. You won’t be in this state of defeat forever, but it sure feels as if you’re walking away from something important. Well, take it step by step and you will see how it goes from there.
♡ Friday. Ace of Wands. Finally some slack! Light, passion and creativity mesh together in energy that resonates with your mind, body and spirit. We needed a sparkly spark to this week, and on Friday it seems we’ve got it.
♡ Saturday. Three of Cups. Melancholy. Talking to a friend and reminiscing, almost as if you’ve been estranged your whole lives and just now managed to catch up. The sun sets and your feelings will be settled in a calm state. Your mind will flow at ease with what you’ve just done, and you will find yourself happy you took the time to be nurtured and to have fun.
♡ Sunday. Two of Wands. Time slows down and you find yourself once more at the start of a new cycle. You don’t like it. You feel like after every party, you die. But that’s how life goes, the ebb and flow will continue whether you like it or not. Accept it and prepare yourself for what comes next. No one likes to float in limbo, but then we always have a choice. Maybe it’s time to walk away from the limbo.
♡ What to avoid. Nine of Wands. Quit working yourself to exhaustion, especially when you know you won’t have enough time to recover before more is expect of you. Yes, you have great energy supply; but if you spend all of your energy, you won’t last until the end of the day. These circumstances could end up being detrimental to your health if you don’t watch what you’re doing.
♡ What to strive for. The World. Balance. Look for the way the colors align perfectly, for those synchronicities that make you feel as if life is worth it. It is worth it, and when you say yes to life, everything else falls into place. We are brought to life to be happy, and that is exactly what we should strive to do.
Are you ready to take this week on with me?
Last week was amazing right up until Sunday. The week was very productive and the weekend was packed from Friday to Sunday with social adventures that range from clubbing to touring beautiful botanical gardens. I spent the weekend doing things I don’t usually do, and as a result felt myself recharging and getting ready for next week.
When I got back from the botanical gardens, I decided to take a shower. Just as I got out of the shower and was getting ready to work, I accidentally touched an electric outlet. My fingers were damp and it resulted in electric shot when I was trying to plug in my cell phone. My nervous system was shot and I had just taken Nyquil, so when that came into effect, I was freaking out. I had no other alternative but to call J and to have him talk to me until I decided to shower a couple more times, and ultimately go to bed. This morning at around 6A.M. I woke up to a 4.7 earthquake that shook most if not all of Los Angeles. The slew of social media messages was exchanged, and after a few personal exchanges, I fell back asleep.
Today I will take it slow, giving some slack time until I am back up to speed. The spread is giving me leeway for that. The week seems to be on a topsy-turvy mode until the weekend. Let’s take it easy so we can come out the other side safe. Look forward to the surprises this week has in store for you!
♡ Monday. Ten of Wands. No wonder, with everything that happened over the weekend, I feel spent. Burnt out. The responsibilities I usually take care of on Monday will have to wait until I am feeling much better to be taken care of.
This card stands for taking more weight than you can carry, but being used to it even if it takes a lot of effort to keep going. The result is draining, but if you finish you will be satisfied.
♡ Tuesday. Queen of Cups. Emotions being placed in a container will stir and rearrange, but essentially remain the same. To reflect on them in a diary, planner or spare piece of paper is to accept your feelings and honor them. It reaffirms compassion and strengthens your emotional bond with the world.
♡ Wednesday. Strength. Gaining strength in exchange for discipline. I feel like it’s a test of how much you are or are not capable of doing at the time, followed suit by a likely problem in the next cards.
♡ Thursday. Seven of Swords. Here is the actual test. An obstacle makes itself manifest that will try to rob you of your time and your energy. If you see it coming, you will be prepared to handle it. If you don’t, try to think a little before jumping in to deal with it. It can’t be made on impulse.
♡ Friday. Five of Wands. Something goes off with the catalyst. The energies are all wound up and manifesting in different ways or different obstacles during the week. It’ll make you feel like the world is conspiring against you, but it really isn’t. Remain in good cheer!
♡ Saturday. Wheel of Fortune. Things turn around. It’s time to embrace with an open mind and heart to what comes next. Let go and adapt gracefully, and you will find that things are once more in order for you. Enjoy!
♡ Sunday. Ace of Swords. Communication sets itself straight and you can think again. There is clarity of thought and in self-expression, and enough to defend yourself if any situation were to merit it. Take confidence in your words and do what you have to.
♡ What to avoid. Four of Coins. Watch your finances; keep from spending if you can until you have some more financial leeway. Things are tight right now, so make the best of it that you can.
♡ What to strive for. Nine of Wands. You’re tired; take a break before you keep pushing to finish what you started. Sometimes we get burnt out from overexertion, and that’s definitely where you are right now. Recharge those batteries!
Now for lunch and tea, and a slow start to what should be a day of healing. I wish you a happy week!