28 spins around the sun, and feeling pretty fabulous. I have had ample time to think about what it means right now when going up a number. This may have just been the most difficult year of my life, I had to learn how to sustain myself emotionally. I’ve always had a very strong sense of self-assurance and healthy self-esteem, but the past 2-3 years of my life have challenged that healthy mindset many times. I finally broke down in the summer, and the entire stretch of those hot month turned into my own personal Hell. I am so glad I survived those difficult moments on my own.
My life is entirely different and so are some of my perspectives. So many bridges have been burnt as if by hellfire, and the result of that is an unforeseen liberation the likes of which I never imagined I'd experience. I can tell you with full confidence that I feel as if I've left my adolescence behind completely, and resonate with the identity of a full grown adult. I understand now what you have to go through in order to lose some of that zest for life that kids make so infectious. I used to be a source of rays of sunshine. Some people have told me I am one of the happiest people they've met, but that they have since noticed me come of age. In some cases, these messages have moved me to tears although I haven't let them be seen.
I can tell you that even though I don't laugh as often anymore, I have a more profound appreciation for life. The moments with the most light are the ones I cherish the most, and I am making conscious efforts to be present in the life of my family members that are left. Our numbers keep lessening by the years, but the ones that are left are committed to keep a warm and loving nucleus. I reconciled with both my aunt and my cousin, and we are all in process of weaving each others presence back into our lives. I never thought I'd see the day. It's so surreal!
Right now life is starting to get its color back. I am swelling with gratitude for that fact. My family has been there to embrace me through the most difficult days. I am still very lonely, but I feel like right now loneliness is beneficial. I am working on growing more comfortable with long periods without human contact. It’s not always easy, but hey, life’s not perfect.
Another thing on my list of priorities right now is getting back into a more creative mindset. I invest so much of myself in my work that I have drained myself. Back in the day I’d finish three sketchbooks a year. Now I am lucky if I finish one every three years. All of my attempts to tune into my creativity have gone into blogging, and yet this blog has been struggling to keep up lately. If I get two entries in a month, that’s active. This absolutely needs to change, I know that creative expression is the healthiest way for me to vent and to fuel my life with purpose. In all honesty, the silence has been a necessity. It is easy to get burnt out when you try to move forward with all the weight of past problems on your back. At some point, you just crash.
Work with cards is definitely the main purpose of my life right now. Over the past few years I have had the pleasure and privilege to hone my skills. My psychic work has really taken of and has graced my life with some amazing opportunities. I’m so grateful!
I retired all of my jewelry from the past few years; in time I might trash it. With luck, yesterday I stumbled upon a blogger I have followed since Livejournal days who became a really amazing jeweler. I saw her post about it on Twitter, and I immediately connected to the piece. I said to myself, “that’s the one!”. The rest is history. I begin to save up for it next month, and my goal month to purchase it is by May. The ring is done by Morphe Jewelry.
To replace my moonstone necklace, I bought a stainless steel collar with rainbow Swarovski crystals. I am thinking of having a custom collar made in rose gold sometime in the future. Fingers crossed.
For the last month I have been worried about whether or not I’ve learned enough during my 20s. I definitely learned that it’s time to put a stop to impulsive reactions. I will also continue to work on my happiness, and in living a life with intention and meaning. The rest will be bonus.
I hope you will forgive me if you have felt like some of the posts lately have had dark undertones, or darker than the usual. I have already told you that I have been undergoing different forms of trauma, but thankfully now it is subsiding and I feel like I can breathe again. I am looking forward to a change in image and perhaps in identity. My online platforms don't quite feel like they fit me now that I've grown out of them. I am enjoying some great events, like concerts and signings. Recently I met the entire Opeth band, which was very polite and even warm. I got to see IAMX play again, as well as Opeth on the 20th. Today Blaqk Audio is playing, on the 23rd.
To celebrate, Mom and I are headed to Paris, France for a couple of weeks. I'm so excited! We get to live our Dita Von Teese fantasy, staying in a hotel near the Eiffel Tower. I am packing most of my Wheels and Dollbaby outfits to head out there, sample some champagne and burning through as many museums as our feet can carry us through. I will be going to Versailles and hopefully having my photo taken there. It is home to my favorite piece of history, and the artistic time period that turns my eyes into hearts: the Rococó. I get to walk down the hall of mirrors again! Hopefully this time I will get to stroll through those magical gardens...
Hoping this next trip will inspire some new posts as well. I've made list upon list to entertain new content, but they all flop. I'm not sure if people are still reading my reviews even though blog hits roll in on the daily. How many decks can you review before people get bored? In all honesty, I just haven't been inspired. I don't want to put content up just to bore you.
On the 31st of this month, Samhain Moon is turning 6!!! I am so happy that its been going this long! And to think it started under completely different life circumstances. The growth has been quite an experience. This place houses my fondest memories and some really deep life lessons.
Lately I am working on the resolutions for 2017, which will push for creative expression and new skills to practice. It is exciting to think that there are new adventures around the corner with promise for the future. After some time spend letting life sort itself out, it feels safe to take the wheel again. It's time to break away from this routine that has not served for much other than giving me the time to heal. I feel I am getting my strength back already, so with that comes the confidence to take a few steps forward. And the rest is history.
I would like to take a moment to thank all of you that have stuck around. The support that has been extended has saved me from spiraling into a dark place. I don't know where I would be without all of you reaching out, sending love and reminding me that it gets better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.
Leaving you with something I wrote months ago in my journal. While I don't feel this intense anymore, I figured it would be cool to share.
Dear Diary,Hope you like it.
My heart shattered into a million pieces. The shards became notes unsung, sentiments not shared to move and be moved by. Screams, wails unheard by the ears they are meant for. I am incarcerated by the guilt and the judgment of others over my actions, bound by a desire to cleanse my soul of sin. In my heart I have never once intended to become the product of resentment left to stir for too long. I am bound by a past I will never be able to remedy, and trying to free myself from chains of judgment of others. I am not the same anymore.
I am called to seek redemption. The path remains unclear in that this journey cannot include others. Those doors have shut. Rearranging life to navigate through smoother waters in the hopes of nurturing the self is a challenge when you can’t turn away from your mistakes. Sometimes they look you back in the face, with eyes and a face of their own, and an identity to follow. Embodied by years of unspoken words and important decisions not shared with you.
And yet, and yet. My soul yearns to cleanse itself, and the only way forward is by finding the lost notes of feelings no longer moving me. To try to put them together will be like finding the missing puzzle pieces, knowing they are scattered or even lost in unreachable places. When doors close and night has fallen, the stars are the only witnesses to what happens when a lost soul seeks a warm light, a path to safety, or a downward spiral to self destruction.
My heart yearns to unburden itself and to lighten, but my experience tells me there are still more obstacles ahead. I wish only to find inner peace so that I may be happy again. To seek redemption that seems impossible to finally be at peace with myself. The self, the id, the only thing we’ve really got in our lives. I treated mine irresponsibly, and for a while I had to learn how to love myself again.