INTROSPECTION




Experience has proven to be the best teacher. That which you refuse to learn time and time again will count as resistance, which generates pain. All resistance does is keep you in the loop, a cycle which becomes increasingly difficult to break out of.

One of the wisest lessons life has taught me in the last ten years of my life has been that you can't control what other people do or think. Often times you also have no influence over their actions. As frustrating as it can be, you can explain yourself multiple times over from different angels in attempt to connect and get on the same wavelength. Those who simply don't wish to see your point of view won't even budge, and that's just the way life is. Insisting makes the situation tense or awkward, and people close their windows of attention. After they've been saturated, they are no longer listening. The person explaining is expending time and energy unwisely. It is wasted.

Throughout my 20s I always felt I knew best. I psychoanalyzed all the people in my life and felt the responsibility to point them in the direction of what I understood was the best version of what they could be. Later on I found out what they wanted in reality was different from my well-intended carved out path. Then I finally came to the realization it isn't my responsibility to help or save people in my personal life. This just happens to be what I dedicated myself to for a living, but it doesn't need to translate over into my off time from work. That has helped me stop wasting my energy and time. I also came to accept I wasn't always right.

Last Wednesday when I met up with my mentor La Gitana Patricia, she grinned at me and asked me if I'm still trying to save people that often just end up being unnecessary weight on my shoulders. She told me that the down side to being a psychic seer is understanding others because it often leads to disappointment. You know they can do better and get frustrated when they end up not investing effort into working things out in a manner that fulfills your standards of the potential you see in them.

Time and experience teach you that you don't necessarily know best, you just find a possible outcome for which there are many others in the pile.



Experience has taught me that it isn't my responsibility to try influence others, no matter how well intended the impulse might be. Knowing this has saved me some frustration and has instead helped me circumvent back to what really matters: to prioritize myself. To prioritize my own growth.

I've consciously been putting a lot of work into my psyche for the past six or seven months. It has paid off plenty, despite there still being much work to do. But it has made the biggest difference in my moods. Every day I walk this new path I shape myself to be able to live a peaceful and more productive life. It sucks to take a good look at yourself and to see yourself as a broken down fairground, but now that I've been at it a while I feel much better. I did the work. I've let go of some bad habits and been focused instead on improving as a person. Even though I'm not quite there yet I am still grateful to have the opportunity to progress. For a while there I kept overriding the same behaviors and going nowhere with them.

This year I turn 30. Months after the end of my Saturn Return I am now thinking about the chapter coming up ahead. The next decade won't feel any different but will be symbolic for a new stage in my life. The purpose of the Saturn Return is to clear the slate for that next chapter. Well, here I stand pretty much naked. The Saturn Return aggressively cleared everything and everyone out of my life. I removed and also caused people to leave my life. From here, there is really no way to go but forward. I think the biggest challenge has actually been to master my impulses, particularly the more passionate ones.

There is truth to the hypothesis that we are placed on this Earth to master ourselves.

I can feel my conscious efforts turning inwards, and it makes perfect sense. But I wouldn't have known this lesson had it been dangling before my eyes for years. Are things perfect now? Not by any stretch, but I am learning and that counts.

I have found I don't hold grudges forever; time makes letting go of grudges possible. While I wouldn't want to reintegrate the people who hurt me back into my life, I have walked away with a newfound understanding of how not to approach situations. Sometimes I still get scared of the notion that I won't have the ability to learn from my mistakes due to not being ready or not having absorbed a lesson properly, but I can't feed the storms that brew inside of me. They will engulf and consume me if I let them.

Time has this magic effect about it of sobering us up. Even though I can see my own flaws more clearly now I try not to mind them so much. What it is really about is learning and progressing. Change is something I have always been comfortable with, but now I see it more as a pacemaker. The challenge is not to be dragged by it.


I'm not the same person I used to be. Try as you might to box me back in, I don't fit inside that old box anymore. I've changed.
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