ANNUAL REVIEW 2019




Hello, it's me again. What a year it has been. What a surprise my life has turned out to be.

At the time I wrote my last Annual Review I had no clue what was about to happen next. I had just started getting the feeling back after being numb for so long, and what transpired after was fast-paced. I can compare it to being launched out of a cannon without a helmet. I turned up the volume and lived as intensely as I could for about seven months. It changed how I felt about most aspects of my life. When you experience something like this, you’ll allow yourself new adventure and experiences, all the while being more flexible about what you usually don’t do. It got really wild! After getting everything out of my system I started to seek a direction to go in and decided to start planning my life out more seriously. That's when I really started to settle into the kind of person that I am now, but it took time to reach.

I sit here writing this entry a changed person. During the past twelve months of my life I have focused on looking inward and finding out who I have become based off all the experiences I’ve had in the past few years. I ran for a long time without pausing to consider the consequences of how all the hard stuff I had experienced would nest inside of me and start developing new behaviors. Once I started identifying them in numbers, I started to understand there was more going on beneath the surface than I had knowledge of. I began to traverse the neural pathways of consciousness and of my nervous system. I started being more mindful of signs my mind and body gave me, and I started looking for ways to unravel the tense knot that had been created in the years prior. Its been a persistent knot, to say the least.

Some of the changes just make me a more functional adult in today’s society, but the ones I am focused on are the kind that help me nourish my relationships with the people I love and with myself. I started back up with what we call alternative medicine or Native American ceremony, and that has been great. I go into it with an open mind and heart, and although the process is stressful I always come out of it feeling good about it. I have also further invested effort into setting myself straight by going to therapy. Took the plunge early in the summer and kept copious notes on the subjects discussed. I’m still going to therapy now, and I have found I love the dynamic. I found a really great psychologist who has helped me navigate my inner demons and currently helps guide me to get my life straight.



Even more unexpected still, I fell in love. Like, really fell in love. Tried to turn my life around fell in love. Stopped looking for reasons to run away fell in love. Sat through feelings I regularly wouldn't fell in love. I met a man who wasn’t afraid of the overgrown hedges, or of how jaded I had turned out to be. Maybe he's somewhat more afraid now, though. [Nervous laugh.]

Even more amazing to me still is my most recent achievement of having completed my first sketchbook since I graduated from college. This has been something I have been struggling with for a very long time. I've had the joy of finishing paper cut out greeting cards as well. Being able to finish something I start, sitting back and admiring it has borne rewards. It gives me hope that the future can include more finished pieces if only I can stay committed to making up for lost time. It's as simple as drawing every day, but often takes more motivation than I've got.

Without further ado, it’s time to read some cards.



♡ October. Temperance.
Going through all aspects of your life and working on them. Contemplating your shortcomings and your greatest achievements and trying to find out a better balance so that the path is clear and smooth in the future. Even if fun is intense and high tone, responsibilities could be sacrificed. It takes a great deal of discipline to learn to plan ahead instead of skipping around impulsively. When you care, you take the time to craft matters out in a way that speaks to harmony and happiness, life’s real balance.

Maturing has a way of taking he rose-colored glasses off and making reality feel more tolerable. It takes a great deal of responsibility but the payoff is definitely worth it.

♡ November. Three of Swords.
Some lessons are learned the hard way. This may be about getting a rough set of news that is heartbreaking or witnessing somebody act out on how hurt they are. It is the opposite of the previous month, which is tempering one’s emotions. This card shows an expression of pain, even if it accepted with grace. Something difficult could happen, and the best we can do sometimes is to be accepting of it if we can’t change it.

Not gonna' lie, seeing this card present this month fills me with dread. It almost feels like a looming specter waiting just a few weeks up ahead. I'm not ready.

December. Page of Cups.
A soothing balm, an apology received. Circumstances soothe and cool you down. Shed some tears if you have to, but come back to reasoning with the understanding that you are doing the best you can anyway. That is really what you can offer.

I see this as an offer of love, some type of gift or upgrade. It could be finally learning to say sorry on your own without the people you care about having to ask it of you. Going back to the basics and loving without the defense mechanisms you have used to protect yourself in place.



January. Hierophant.
Life lessons come with a bitter drink sometimes. But once we know better we have no reason to go back to repeat past mistakes. The best way to see some obstacles through is to stick to convention and to be cooperative. There will be other times to stand up for yourself and thus stand out in a situation, but this is not one of those instances. For now, see which reward you reap from obedience and devotion. Don’t question it, just go with it.

I’ve had this card following me for the past few months and wonder how it will finally come to play out. At the moment I can foresee different aspects of the lesson but not yet the bigger picture.

February. Ace of Wands.
Passion, the kind that burns. A match is lit in the dark to provide you with insight on what you can invest your energy in. What is it, a creative project or your relationship turning up the volume? Is it your temper flaring up?

After all the moderation and stress of the past months, it seems like this is really when the year gets going. A jump start is great even if it feels like a late one. I know all my years to start out in February because I tend to spend January tying up loose ends from the previous year. It happens naturally.

March. Ace of Cups.
A sign of relief to soothe and cool you off, like memories of Moroccan mint tea freshly brewed in the early mornings while the crisp African breeze delights you. These are the memories to think back to that lighten the spirit and give your body a general feeling of wellness. Prioritize that, prioritize feeling good and grounded in the moment. Practice gratitude without it getting self-serving. Accept life’s best blessings with an open heart. Be ready to give. It’s a reward you gift yourself with.

Romance can overwhelm you, sometimes you shed tears from joy knowing you’ve been through so much. Still, you’ve somehow made it. You’ve found your niche. Now that it feels this way it can be hard to believe you achieved it. Here you are, pat yourself on the back. Drink and be merry.



April. Eight of Swords.
I don’t think this is a versatile month rich in options. It actually seems a little tense. You may have concerns that keep you locked in place. Take some time to rest if that’s the case. Not all months can be winners. We don’t need to resist our circumstances.

May. The Sun.
Back on shedding light. Smiling, looking forward to that dreadful season called the summer. Last one was terrific, I don’t remember having enjoyed myself so much during the summer. This one starts off with heat waves and an abundance of coconut water no doubt. Eat clean and get out there, live out your best life!

Free of those two year woes. I narrowly escaped, but did so at the perfect time. I give thanks I got out of those sinking trenches every day.

June. Six of Swords.
There’s no going back once you’re past the point of no return. The journey brings with it many obstacles as well as surprises. Once you learn to prioritize the important aspects and leave distractions second you start to see the pace picking up because you focus better. Still, you know that you can’t control everything about your circumstances. There will be curve balls coming at you, but the best part is being prepared to handle them so they don’t slow you down too much.

You learn as you go, so go with an open heart. Disperse the fear, it won’t serve you.



July. Two of Coins.
Learning to make compromise takes work. So does negotiation to make up for something so you can keep moving forward. The meshing of two worlds obscures boundaries defining each party. It all gets drawn in, such as planets do as they drift into black holes. The solid, defined form you have known yourself to have starts to change to be able to fit with that of somebody else’s world. It stops being about just you as people and starts to become the summation of those two worlds mixing.

August. Three of Coins.
Working together, keeping busy. A possibly hectic time of productivity. It seems like many of the things talked about being worked on are finally well underway. The key is to keep that momentum going while also juggling all the responsibilities of real life. Therein lies the real puzzle.

September. Judgment.
Growth can come with the most crippling growing pains, don’t I know it. Overcoming all your obstacles seems doable, but overcoming yourself is really the most magnanimous task. It takes lots of careful planning and consistency at chipping away all the extra weight. All the spikes being shed, so to speak. Maturing comes with eye-opening experiences, and can often make you feel transparent before others.



Theme. The Moon.
In all the years I've been doing this reading I haven't actually had my signifier pop up as the theme for the year. When The Moon pops up in a personal reading, I intuit it to be overwhelming anxiety or confusion as well as intuition without harness. Notice the distorted face, eyes closed and the beams that radiate down from the moon itself. It's a feeling of intoxication that can be overwhelming until it passes, just as the full moon. I never get any sleep during a full moon.

I interpret this to be working with shadow aspects or those aspects of ourselves that are less glamorous or not easy to accept. Even though I don't subscribe to the notion that we are all works in progress until we leave this Earth, I do think that this directly relates to how I feel on the inside and how overwhelmed I feel by it sometimes. I have become more conscious of my shortcomings and aspects of myself that need to be worked on. Let's hope it gets resolved in the next year from how much effort I have invested in that task.

What are you working on? Tempering your emotions or following your intuition despite its dissonance with your environment?

After writing a soul-baring entry like this I have been left feeling contemplative. It's hard to be vulnerable with other people, but lately also especially difficult to do online. Everyone gets a plain sight view into the aspects of your life you shine a light on, and my life has been on the Internet for 8 years now consistently. This blog has documented the growing pains and highlights of past lives. Here I have documented my ups and downs and pressed my favorite pictures of some of the best moments I've had.

Every day we wake up is a day we are further from past selves and discarded memories. None of it sticks. It's so important to make the best of what you have in the present moment. I think this will be the lesson I will be taking with me into my '30s. Next month I am to be shedding my early adulthood numbers and entering the next decade of my life.

The reaper's scythe showed no remorse when I was releasing my old life. It cut everything and everyone out. Those I held precious and those I didn't care for. I still miss some of those people, but have fortunately accepted circumstances. Here's to hoping for a better decade coming up, it'll only be as good as I allow it to be.

With hesitance I commence a new chapter of my life, and with it come new lessons no doubt.
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