DISNEYLAND: GALAXY'S EDGE



Yesterday I hauled ass over to Anaheim with the intention of finding a distraction and giving my heart some respite from the massive storm that has been thundering and rolling over it without mercy. I got up at 7, spent no time at all getting dressed and was soon out the door. Made it to the park around the time it opened, and had a tough time with the flashbacks that came for me like silver bullets. I remembered the park since my last visit and saw live afterimage-type flashbacks from the last time I was there. This time was so different.

Disneyland is the place where dreams come true, apparently. It was once. I had come here before and had my dreams come true. Walking around I felt my heart flutter. I wanted to share the milestone day with Chris and I decided to push the thoughts from my mind. I just tried to have the most fun I could. Any time my mind would take me there I'd stare off into space and check out for a few minutes.

I know I talk about him a lot but the breakup is just barely over a week old. I still had a great time at the park and took a ton of really great photos.





Made a beeline for Galaxy's Edge because of course. It took my breath away as I walked up to and into the experience. I felt like I had stepped out of California. After standing in line for an hour and flipping out about where I was I made it to Millenium Falcon: Smuggler's Run. To my sheer amazement and delight they handed me the Pilot pass and ushered me into my seat. I was screaming internally, the joy I felt was foreign. I had not squealed for delight or smiled so widely in a long time. When we got started I got the chance to make the Millenium Falcon jump to light speed. I did it twice. The ride was immersive and amazing, it was super fun. I screamed and got into it as if I was there. 10/10 would recommend the ride.








Tried to make reservations to buy a lightsaber but it was all full up, so I will have to wait to come back to get one. My wallet thanks them. As I moved over to the First Order's camp out I witnessed some scenes I couldn't document but thoroughly enjoyed. I picked up luggage tags and lapel pins to commemorate my visit. So much amazing merch, though. The area is completely immersive and stunning. I can't glow about it enough.








The first ride I went on after that was Haunted Mansion. It was as amazing as I remember. I went through all of Adventureland, did Indiana Jones twice. The ride is exhilarating. I got to see both, first row. Indiana Jones is by far their most exciting ride for me. Afterwards I went to Tomorrowland and did Buzz Lightyear: Astro Blasters, Star Tours x 2, also saw both rides. Combed through Fantasyland, missed out on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Saw the parade, went back on Indiana Jones. Took a break, went to Alien Pizza Planet.

As night fell I knew the moment was coming. I dared myself to go back on Space Mountain. Now called Hyperspace Mountain . I missed the stars last time I went because I didn't feel good during the ride, and I spent it all with my eyes closed. I dared myself to do it again and to see the stars this time. I was trembling as I scanned in my phone, and walked slowly up the path. This was the most difficult experience for me. I couldn't breathe and I was shaking. Inside the ride waiting room I was freaking out. When the time came I sat and started mumbling. The stranger next to me asked if I was okay. I told him why I was there and the couple in front of me turned around to say the ride was different and that I would love it. Off we went.

During the climb I chanted my usual "why do I do this to myself?" The Imperial March surrounded us as we got launched into space. I saw the stars this time, and so much more. We had lasers fired at us and I saw Star Wars ships. I hung on as hard as I could. The stars look so tiny, and there are so many of them present as the ride weaves through the mechanical abyss. The sound of the rails rages in my ears as I do my best to stay present and not let the ride overpower me. By the time we slowed down I felt accomplished. It's a ride, there is nothing really to fear about it. But in that moment I was facing my past and I was claiming my power back, and I felt I achieved what I came to do. I walked out with my hollow heart swelling and a sense of pride that I went on that ride alone. The guy sitting next to me during the ride caught up to ask if I was okay, and as we parted ways I set my mind to the next challenge. I had a ticket to Fantasmic, and I made sure to sit right in front and center for this one.



Fantasmic is such an amazing show. It is emotionally compelling and strives to wake the sleeping optimist in the hearts of the viewers. Light show, water show, fire, fireworks, music, performance, dance. It has it all. I love that show and all the tender, loving memories it has provided. I love Disneyland park, and the day my car arrives to Los Angeles I am purchasing an annual pass to celebrate. Even though it started out as a love story, the place became an area of self-exploration and empowerment. I want to go with my friends and I want to experience the joyful magic of the park when I am in a better place mentally.

Now you will deal with me—and all the powers of my imagination!

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Now I have a lot of catching up on work to do. It has been a week since Chris broke up with me, he keeps me up at night and he is my first thought every morning. Day 7.

More photos to come.
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EPILOGUE IV



The walk to the therapist's office was hard for me. En route I saw our old spots. Not even my neighborhood is safe, I think about him in every little detail. When I talk to people and I feel compelled to say our old internal jokes, I feel I swallow bullets of grief. I can't keep those jokes alive anymore even if I have the best memories attached to them.

My session with Ellen was good. I immediately started bawling and told her that her office reminded me of my problems I couldn't solve. We spoke about the problem and after I told her everything I had to lay down. The walls were spinning all around me and I felt like I was going to have to do so much work to get over how meaningful our relationship is. She told me I'm strong, she commended my ability to stay away from escapism even if I've abandoned the games I loved playing. I told her I uninstalled things that were meaningful to me and that I was raw dogging life so I could process everything without leaving any reserves.

The first thing she asked me is if I want to commit suicide. She asked me if I had any plans to do it, and I told her I knew how I'd try to since before I met her. I didn't lie to her, I would never. I told her about the outpour of support I got since the day it happened. I told her about my Grandfather's passing and how painful it had been to go through it without very much of Chris' support. His form of support was asking me if I felt better about a couple of times, a light pat on the shoulder and a brief hug here and there unless I asked for more when he was in the mood to do it. I wonder if it's normal for support to feel this hollow, but when I look back I know I've had really strong hugs and heartfelt words of encouragement. I don't want to be critical of him but it really confused me as to why I couldn't get what I needed. He explained it to me many times why it was the way it was, and trust me I won't soon forget. I have his grievances recorded in my memory.



The most support he gave me in December were the two predictive dreams he had. We got married twice (three times, actually...) in his dreams. Around the second time it happened, in the dream we lived in a funeral home and were getting married either before or after the funeral. I can't recall, but by then my Grandfather was in the hospital on life support. He was on life support for a month. Chris would beat his chest and say he was there for me, but he wasn't really. He did it because I pleaded for it and because I would literally pull his arms around me and tell him to squeeze. He sure made up for it in other ways; taking me out, introducing me to games he supposedly bought for us to try. (He'd have bought them anyway, don't bullshit me.) He treated me really well when he wanted to. When he was inspired to be romantic, I was so struck by the glamour. It filled me with a rush and with desire, and it reaffirmed that I must keep going to keep that spark alive. I'm a broken record at this point. I feel passionate love and I can't express it to the source anymore.

Telling Ellen about what happened to me was very difficult. I thought I saw her eyes water up but I was too busy wailing to really care about what was happening in my surroundings. I felt grateful I had a psychologist that made me feel cared for. I didn't feel like a lab project. I told her I feel like I'm having drug addiction withdrawals even though I don't do drugs. It was the toughest session I've had with her. I asked her if she saw visible signs of trauma and she told me that she did. She said it was different from clinical depression but that it would still linger and affect me for a while.

Since this all happened, I've talked to Niki and Silvia. Niki came through with some killer advice, and true to how I remember her said some pretty cruel things also that made me laugh. She has this talent where she takes one look at a situation and she delivers a one-liner of destruction. I've missed it. I would never tell anybody what she said to me but I was humored by the bite in her words. I loved our friendship so much. Silvia came through with the usual blunt and hard to swallow truths, she blamed him for her distance and told me she wasn't mad at me. I felt very comforted by both their support, as well as by everybody else's. So many Cloak & Dagger members have reached out to me with generous offers of support. Even if we're not close and won't be after my recovery process, I've had lots of people try to be there for me and I am immensely grateful.



I love him so much still. I don't wish to speak ill of him. I'm very upset and resentful towards him for being cold and calloused, but he often had been even if not every time. I can't say I was satisfied with his attempts because they seemed brief and without heart. I know he did try to support me as best as he could and he tried multiple times, but his attempts were shallow in comparison to what  I have had and how others have been there for me. They were shallow in that I felt hollow, I didn't feel like he wanted to be doing it. He just wanted to do it as fast as he could so he could go back to playing video games, to get his depressive girlfriend out of his hair.

Day three. This is Hell. I'm going to keep trying my best. I'm waiting for clarity of mind still, this brain fog has been keeping me from doing much.

EDIT:
I finally managed to come back to listening to music regularly, although I have to be careful with the songs that I choose. IAMX's Alive In New Light was cathartic even if it brought tears. I took out an IAMX journal I have from one of the tours, fortunately it was at my desk. It looks like Moleskine journal and it has an embossed {x} on the cover. I can't start it until I finish the previous and the previous one is currently well out of sight, so we will see when I finally collect myself and can write the story down. Or maybe I never will, I don't know.

I realized my weekends will never be the same again and that was absolutely a downer. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this time other than work. But all work and no play makes Leelah a dull girl.

I can't say I feel any better but I am hoping that with each passing day I can recover a little more of my integrity.

EPILOGUE III





This is like kicking a heroin addiction. I haven't had intense body reactions such as these since I did ayahuasca back in 2012. My skin is crawling, the anxiety leaves me without breath and when I cry all I can do is wail out his name, because my words are lost. He won't hear me say how much I need him. I feel like I have been thrown into this abyss that spirals around me like a really bad night terror or nightmare. It is overwhelming and scary. I could have never seen this coming, so I had no way to prepare for it.

The morning I got broken up with I had a dream that he and I were holding guns in an island and protecting ourselves from zombies. In the dream he went with one of them and left me by myself. He was gloating to them about something, sounding real confident. In the dream the sun was setting and the sky was a vivid orange and pink. Everything was kissed by the sun and the breeze was like that of spring. I was sad in the dream, and when I woke up the sadness lingered still.

I have no notion of time passing, sometimes it feels like six hours have passed and when I check the clock its only been one and a half. The days are endless. Oh, what a pain to wake up and realize I exist in a loveless life without my home. I don't belong to him anymore. I won't get to share the same bed, be held, be teased, hear him say good night or that he loves me. My routine shattered along with the dreams of my future. Days have so far been endless and torturous. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I have therapy tomorrow and I hate that I have to go back there. I hate how I feel. I hate that I can't focus. I hate everything about my life now. Just a few days ago I still had hope I could have my dreams come true. Now I have shards of a dream that slowly dissipate. This sucks.



If I had met him on Wednesday I would have held him so close. I would have made sure to tell him how much I loved him and appreciated him for everything he did to me. I wish he would have believed me when I told him I would get it sorted. I had to, I would never have gambled with my happiness. He warned me so many times, and  all that time I thought his heart would steer him back to me. I thought he would wake up and remember how he felt, and that he would come to me because he knew I would forgive him for anything he did.

My neighbor made me food and brought it to me at lunch. All I had managed to force myself to eat were strawberries despite all the food in my fridge. I thanked him with my heart in my hands for taking care of me. A lot of people came forward with their take and their wishes, and they soothed me for a little while. Then the wound starts to open back up and I get pretty frantic.

The storm inside me isn't like the previous ones. This one's different. It stays the entire time I am conscious. It doesn't lessen its intensity or the way it rolls over me with all of its might. This one is going to do to me what Irma and Maria did to my motherland. It's violating me. I feel completely beaten up. Why did I give myself to this extent? Why didn't I reserve anything to protect myself from this kind of pain? Because I was safe before??? I thought I had finally gotten there.

I hate this so much. I hate that I'm stuck here. I hate that I ache for him and need him so much. I hate that he's okay not being around me anymore. That fucking monster.
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EPILOGUE II



Chris and I had a wonderful time for his birthday. We went to Universal Studios and went on all the rides multiple times. It was truly a day filled with magic. We bought wands after I got picked for wand fitting ceremony. We watched Godzilla when we left the park. We had a few great weeks where I felt he was opening up and loving me again. Our arguments were brutal on my self-esteem. I wanted to cling to him for love and he wanted me gone because I had angered him. But I never saw what was coming.




It's almost 4:30 A.M. and I haven't been able to stop crying. After Chris got out of work he called me to have a conversation about our relationship. He listed his grievances and topped it off by telling me he didn't want to be committed anymore. He has been in contact with a woman he met at a gathering and he is interested in pursuing her now. He affirms it's not cheating because he hasn't been romantic with her, but his that doesn't matter to me. He knew I would not have been okay with him giving his number out to a female, he promised me he wouldn't do it every again after his first transgression. He's been talking to her for six months.

I pleaded him to stay and work it out and not to turn his back on our relationship and our promise to one another. He said he'd think about it until he learned I had started journaling my grief in my friends only stories. He said we were done in an extremely rude way, hung up on me and blocked me. I had no way of finishing our conversation and I needed to. It just ended in one swift cut to my throat.



I'm in mourning. He was my everything. I'm very heartbroken.
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EPILOGUE I




Leelahel 𝒊𝒔 𝒕𝒚𝒑𝒊𝒏𝒈 💬

How is everybody doing? On my own end it has been quiet, I have been focusing my efforts on some personal logo work. I've been out of the digital creative loop for so long that it feels much like getting reacquainted with a past self to make something new. Even with how slowly progress is going I feel pretty optimistic about it. It will be exciting to craft a new persona to share with the online blogosphere. Hopefully an update on that end will come sooner rather than later.

I have missed blogging very much, and despite having decided to close this blog there are still many things I want to share. I have been admiring the True Black Tarot, Tall Temple Oracle and the Dark Mansion Tarot. They are all decks I have something to say about and would love to take the signature Samhain Moon photos of. It won't be soon, as I am traveling and have other things to prioritize. But I will post those reviews at the very least.

Personally I am much happier. Despite a huge hit in my productivity I have been investing myself in my relationship and in a game called Magic: The Gathering. My preference is for MTG Arena, which you can play online. This game is so enthralling that it has got me watching tournaments. eSports help me understand why people get so passionate about sports. Chris and I have enjoyed watching the Mythic Championship and the Mythic Invitational I & II. We cuddle with the cats, enjoy some food and drink, and comment about the players and outstanding highlights. I tend to favor Merchant and Luis Salvatto, some very positive and knowledgeable players.

My relationship is nearing the one year and six month milestone, and in this time I have done my best to devote myself to helping it grow. I think both Chris and I have been surprised at how it has turned out. Something I find positive though is how we are finding more interests in common. Sharing hobbies has given us a common ground to explore ourselves in. My relationship has taught me a lot, and I hope I can speak for Chris as well in this aspect. His birthday is coming up soon, I'm excited to celebrate it with him.

Right now I am flying to Puerto Rico for a two week vacation. I'm looking forward to the incoming avalanche of avocados, plantains, mangoes and coconut water. I think cherries are in season too. Despite my reservations with the island, nothing compares to the food you find in the Caribbean. Fried plantains for days!

This year has offered me the comforting blanket of friendship; I have endorsed connections to a few people I've met over the past 12 months. It's a slow process but I find that the time I invest getting close to others is well spent. I've got a great group of caring people around me, and I feel very fortunate to be achieving this long-neglected goal of mine. I spent a lot of time in the past chasing after people who were not as invested as I was, and came out of it a little jaded a few years ago.

It's great to be free of the suffocating claws of depression. Life without it flows easily and offers a lot of flavor. I spent a long time in stressful survival mode and it heavily impacted my psyche. Therapy helped me tremendously, and I found that once I started letting go of tension my connection to others started to strengthen as well.

It's a relief to be living a functional life. My past taught me about the kind of situations I want to avoid getting myself into, while also pushing me to contemplate what my path was shaping into. Despite not knowing exactly what my future is shaping into, I am hopeful for something positive to manifest. In the meantime, there are many new experiences to be had. Chris and I are going to I Like Scary Movies when I get back. Yes.

This year has been a big deal in terms of media. Chris and I have been enjoying the end of the Avengers and Game of Thrones. We are also anticipating the end of Mr Robot (more myself than Chris,) and Star Wars. We share the same taste in motion pictures, which is a plus. We've yet to watch Mirrormask, though...


That's all for now. I'm enjoying the extra time to juggle priorities and personal time. There is so much I want to get done, and a staggering to-do list of procrastinated needs. But I'm happy with where things are going so far, so I don't mind. I just want to be able to keep up. Once you pull yourself out of a rut, you'll be caught dead before you get dragged back into it.

I hope you are all doing well out there.
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