DISNEYLAND II




I went back to Disneyland a second time very recently. My friend Bella had never been there and was curious to experience the park, so I agreed to go with her. I spent the night before at her place and we made a day of it. It was nice to have a bonding experience with another female my age, since I've been actively looking for friendship for the past few years.

Our day was really fun. We got started riding the carousel along with a band playing music and from there on we went on every other ride. I went on all the fast rides and felt my soul leave my body a few times. Hyperspace Mountain was every bit as scary as I remember it to be. I love hearing the Star Wars music, though, as we speed through the course. This time I was smiling in the photo they take at the end but it timed out before I could snatch a preview. What a loss.

I felt a renewed sense of stability that helped me carry myself with empowered strength. I was in the moment and took the day for myself. After an intense day of rides, pineapple ice cream, carousel and cruise rides, repairing the Millenium Falcon in Smuggler's Run and achieving a 100%, getting all the bad guys at Buzz Lightyear Astro-Blasters, the split light bulb, the lamp at the window, the secrecy of Club 33, the daytime parade, and chatting, we went to go get ramen. I thoroughly enjoyed dinner while I penned a valediction.




When I got back home it was close to midnight. I felt the weight of how far my feet had carried me after an exciting slumber party I had the night before. I closed a couple of week flight of adventure with a gold seal. After an exciting couple of weeks I gifted myself with, I felt my spirit renew itself and my feet planted firmly on the ground. I became fully present.

As I sat at the ramen place I contemplated my life and the direction it is going in. I'm happy with the decisions I am making for my life. I feel like I get to live a life I am more in accordance with even if I have some challenges ahead of me still. I feel very cared for by everybody around me and I feel like my life is going in a positive direction. I am very lucky, and I do feel loved.

I am having a lot of fun lately. It seems there is always something exciting going on. Fire Emblem: Three Houses is coming out and I am really looking forward to playing it. I feel especially excited about seeing the Twenty One Pilots play later this year in the Bandito tour. Pokemon Sword and Shield are also coming out around that time. There are plans for another trip to Disneyland in the fall, and getting a lightstaber this time. I'm going to be celebrating my birthday around that time, also.



Speeding towards what will soon be 2020. The next decade is coming fast!

I wanted to mention also that I am so proud of Puerto Rico for setting examples with their protests and achieving the change we so passionately wanted. The events unfolding were a big deal for all of us.
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THE CRISP BREEZE OF RENEWAL



There is so much to talk about right now. In the time I have been gone from the blog I went to Disneyland and to Galaxy's Edge again, I made a friend, I got an apology for Chris for everything that happened and protests erupted all throughout the world, but especially in my homeland. I am very happy with the shift in the wind and the opportunity to pick my life back up after all the insanity that ensued. Now I am focusing my efforts towards stabilizing my life and I can feel a skip in my step as I am going through my commitments. I feel like myself again.

A couple of weeks ago I did a private ritual with a silver candle and a white one. I used sage, palo santo, dimethyltryptamine with blue lotus, and a crystal grid. I find that my crafting was successful and brought with it the serenity, understanding, security and positivity that I had asked for. I was very impressed with the fast results and remain grateful for the hand its positive influence had in my life in the days and weeks to come. I had spent some time with a new friend that proved to be a positive influence. An enthusiastic endorser of psychonautics that gifted me with a high tier herbal mix for introspective purposes. I found the mix to be optimal for higher learning and walked away from the experience feeling renewed in spirit. I don't know that I will do it again very many more times, but I liked the experience I had. Up until now I have done Ayahuasca, salvia divinorum, kambo, and dmt. I have tried all the entheogenic experiences I was curious about.

Just as I had set my thoughts to acceptance, I got a phone call the morning after that I didn't expect. I definitely didn't see it coming. My life took a very positive turn that day, and since then I walk around with the soothing balm of not aching every hour of the day. I've had clarity of mind and ability to focus again, and am realigning with my goals. I still have a very busy social life and plans to look forward to, with the added joy of games to play when I find time to myself. I have been wanting to make this post for a few days now, but have been too busy to get around to it.

The time since has been spent prioritizing my needs and processing everything that happened. I have been looking to spend more time alone in order to get my thoughts straight. I am enjoying the extra time taken to relax even if it is rare. In reconnecting to myself I am finding that I have more motivation to spend time in the kitchen and looking after myself. I feel generally much healthier and I gained back all the weight I had lost already, which was surmountable. I look like myself again!

About two weeks ago a scandal broke out in Puerto Rico that I want to talk about. Governor Ricardo Rossello had his Telegram chat logs leaked in which he gloated about his abuse of power and posted strategies to keep his image sharp. The use of poor jokes and the rampant disregard for others makes him out to look like a sinister narcissist. And all his lackeys with their fragmented influence playing the game to stay in his favor for the benefits it brings. I read he chat logs that were leaked and think there is much more to the story that we don't know about. The content that was uploaded covered a few months in what spans a few years of office. There is more we don't know about, and may not come to find out. They have probably deleted the proof.

Much to my wonder, the people took to the streets of Old San Juan and surrounding areas with passion. They have been protesting often, and in very creative ways. I feel very proud of my heritage right now, and bask in the glow of the unifying light of our people as we shed it right now. I am very proud of all the celebrities and news reporters who are present and spreading the message across the globe. We must continue until real change is made, and this is our chance to make it.

I am curious to see what will happen next. This is a very big moment for Puerto Rico, and I am optimistic about the future that we are fighting for in the most exemplary way. We are raising our name by advocating change in a very jovial way, unique to our character and history. We are passionate people, and we clearly love our native island.


I feel very uplifted in general. I have a ton of boring stuff I need to do that I'm not looking forward to, but at least I am feeling better. It's great not to go to bed dreading a nightmare that will keep me up the rest of the night. It's great to have gone to Disneyland again feeling more myself and able to enjoy the park with zest. I have a lot that I want to post on the blog, so with time allowing I'll get a few reviews and lifestyle posts published.

Fire Emblem: Three Houses
is coming out in a couple of days and I am very excited to get it. I love that series, and have played multiple Fire Emblem games. I'm going out tonight, too. I'm really looking forward to the ability to dance and to see some of my goth friends. I just don't relate or enjoy that Top 40 life. Top 40 music generally sucks.

Wishing you all a great week!
♡♡

DISNEYLAND: GALAXY'S EDGE



Yesterday I hauled ass over to Anaheim with the intention of finding a distraction and giving my heart some respite from the massive storm that has been thundering and rolling over it without mercy. I got up at 7, spent no time at all getting dressed and was soon out the door. Made it to the park around the time it opened, and had a tough time with the flashbacks that came for me like silver bullets. I remembered the park since my last visit and saw live afterimage-type flashbacks from the last time I was there. This time was so different.

Disneyland is the place where dreams come true, apparently. It was once. I had come here before and had my dreams come true. Walking around I felt my heart flutter. I wanted to share the milestone day with Chris and I decided to push the thoughts from my mind. I just tried to have the most fun I could. Any time my mind would take me there I'd stare off into space and check out for a few minutes.

I know I talk about him a lot but the breakup is just barely over a week old. I still had a great time at the park and took a ton of really great photos.





Made a beeline for Galaxy's Edge because of course. It took my breath away as I walked up to and into the experience. I felt like I had stepped out of California. After standing in line for an hour and flipping out about where I was I made it to Millenium Falcon: Smuggler's Run. To my sheer amazement and delight they handed me the Pilot pass and ushered me into my seat. I was screaming internally, the joy I felt was foreign. I had not squealed for delight or smiled so widely in a long time. When we got started I got the chance to make the Millenium Falcon jump to light speed. I did it twice. The ride was immersive and amazing, it was super fun. I screamed and got into it as if I was there. 10/10 would recommend the ride.








Tried to make reservations to buy a lightsaber but it was all full up, so I will have to wait to come back to get one. My wallet thanks them. As I moved over to the First Order's camp out I witnessed some scenes I couldn't document but thoroughly enjoyed. I picked up luggage tags and lapel pins to commemorate my visit. So much amazing merch, though. The area is completely immersive and stunning. I can't glow about it enough.








The first ride I went on after that was Haunted Mansion. It was as amazing as I remember. I went through all of Adventureland, did Indiana Jones twice. The ride is exhilarating. I got to see both, first row. Indiana Jones is by far their most exciting ride for me. Afterwards I went to Tomorrowland and did Buzz Lightyear: Astro Blasters, Star Tours x 2, also saw both rides. Combed through Fantasyland, missed out on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Saw the parade, went back on Indiana Jones. Took a break, went to Alien Pizza Planet.

As night fell I knew the moment was coming. I dared myself to go back on Space Mountain. Now called Hyperspace Mountain . I missed the stars last time I went because I didn't feel good during the ride, and I spent it all with my eyes closed. I dared myself to do it again and to see the stars this time. I was trembling as I scanned in my phone, and walked slowly up the path. This was the most difficult experience for me. I couldn't breathe and I was shaking. Inside the ride waiting room I was freaking out. When the time came I sat and started mumbling. The stranger next to me asked if I was okay. I told him why I was there and the couple in front of me turned around to say the ride was different and that I would love it. Off we went.

During the climb I chanted my usual "why do I do this to myself?" The Imperial March surrounded us as we got launched into space. I saw the stars this time, and so much more. We had lasers fired at us and I saw Star Wars ships. I hung on as hard as I could. The stars look so tiny, and there are so many of them present as the ride weaves through the mechanical abyss. The sound of the rails rages in my ears as I do my best to stay present and not let the ride overpower me. By the time we slowed down I felt accomplished. It's a ride, there is nothing really to fear about it. But in that moment I was facing my past and I was claiming my power back, and I felt I achieved what I came to do. I walked out with my hollow heart swelling and a sense of pride that I went on that ride alone. The guy sitting next to me during the ride caught up to ask if I was okay, and as we parted ways I set my mind to the next challenge. I had a ticket to Fantasmic, and I made sure to sit right in front and center for this one.



Fantasmic is such an amazing show. It is emotionally compelling and strives to wake the sleeping optimist in the hearts of the viewers. Light show, water show, fire, fireworks, music, performance, dance. It has it all. I love that show and all the tender, loving memories it has provided. I love Disneyland park, and the day my car arrives to Los Angeles I am purchasing an annual pass to celebrate. Even though it started out as a love story, the place became an area of self-exploration and empowerment. I want to go with my friends and I want to experience the joyful magic of the park when I am in a better place mentally.

Now you will deal with me—and all the powers of my imagination!

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Now I have a lot of catching up on work to do. It has been a week since Chris broke up with me, he keeps me up at night and he is my first thought every morning. Day 7.

More photos to come.
♡♡

EPILOGUE IV



The walk to the therapist's office was hard for me. En route I saw our old spots. Not even my neighborhood is safe, I think about him in every little detail. When I talk to people and I feel compelled to say our old internal jokes, I feel I swallow bullets of grief. I can't keep those jokes alive anymore even if I have the best memories attached to them.

My session with Ellen was good. I immediately started bawling and told her that her office reminded me of my problems I couldn't solve. We spoke about the problem and after I told her everything I had to lay down. The walls were spinning all around me and I felt like I was going to have to do so much work to get over how meaningful our relationship is. She told me I'm strong, she commended my ability to stay away from escapism even if I've abandoned the games I loved playing. I told her I uninstalled things that were meaningful to me and that I was raw dogging life so I could process everything without leaving any reserves.

The first thing she asked me is if I want to commit suicide. She asked me if I had any plans to do it, and I told her I knew how I'd try to since before I met her. I didn't lie to her, I would never. I told her about the outpour of support I got since the day it happened. I told her about my Grandfather's passing and how painful it had been to go through it without very much of Chris' support. His form of support was asking me if I felt better about a couple of times, a light pat on the shoulder and a brief hug here and there unless I asked for more when he was in the mood to do it. I wonder if it's normal for support to feel this hollow, but when I look back I know I've had really strong hugs and heartfelt words of encouragement. I don't want to be critical of him but it really confused me as to why I couldn't get what I needed. He explained it to me many times why it was the way it was, and trust me I won't soon forget. I have his grievances recorded in my memory.



The most support he gave me in December were the two predictive dreams he had. We got married twice (three times, actually...) in his dreams. Around the second time it happened, in the dream we lived in a funeral home and were getting married either before or after the funeral. I can't recall, but by then my Grandfather was in the hospital on life support. He was on life support for a month. Chris would beat his chest and say he was there for me, but he wasn't really. He did it because I pleaded for it and because I would literally pull his arms around me and tell him to squeeze. He sure made up for it in other ways; taking me out, introducing me to games he supposedly bought for us to try. (He'd have bought them anyway, don't bullshit me.) He treated me really well when he wanted to. When he was inspired to be romantic, I was so struck by the glamour. It filled me with a rush and with desire, and it reaffirmed that I must keep going to keep that spark alive. I'm a broken record at this point. I feel passionate love and I can't express it to the source anymore.

Telling Ellen about what happened to me was very difficult. I thought I saw her eyes water up but I was too busy wailing to really care about what was happening in my surroundings. I felt grateful I had a psychologist that made me feel cared for. I didn't feel like a lab project. I told her I feel like I'm having drug addiction withdrawals even though I don't do drugs. It was the toughest session I've had with her. I asked her if she saw visible signs of trauma and she told me that she did. She said it was different from clinical depression but that it would still linger and affect me for a while.

Since this all happened, I've talked to Niki and Silvia. Niki came through with some killer advice, and true to how I remember her said some pretty cruel things also that made me laugh. She has this talent where she takes one look at a situation and she delivers a one-liner of destruction. I've missed it. I would never tell anybody what she said to me but I was humored by the bite in her words. I loved our friendship so much. Silvia came through with the usual blunt and hard to swallow truths, she blamed him for her distance and told me she wasn't mad at me. I felt very comforted by both their support, as well as by everybody else's. So many Cloak & Dagger members have reached out to me with generous offers of support. Even if we're not close and won't be after my recovery process, I've had lots of people try to be there for me and I am immensely grateful.



I love him so much still. I don't wish to speak ill of him. I'm very upset and resentful towards him for being cold and calloused, but he often had been even if not every time. I can't say I was satisfied with his attempts because they seemed brief and without heart. I know he did try to support me as best as he could and he tried multiple times, but his attempts were shallow in comparison to what  I have had and how others have been there for me. They were shallow in that I felt hollow, I didn't feel like he wanted to be doing it. He just wanted to do it as fast as he could so he could go back to playing video games, to get his depressive girlfriend out of his hair.

Day three. This is Hell. I'm going to keep trying my best. I'm waiting for clarity of mind still, this brain fog has been keeping me from doing much.

EDIT:
I finally managed to come back to listening to music regularly, although I have to be careful with the songs that I choose. IAMX's Alive In New Light was cathartic even if it brought tears. I took out an IAMX journal I have from one of the tours, fortunately it was at my desk. It looks like Moleskine journal and it has an embossed {x} on the cover. I can't start it until I finish the previous and the previous one is currently well out of sight, so we will see when I finally collect myself and can write the story down. Or maybe I never will, I don't know.

I realized my weekends will never be the same again and that was absolutely a downer. I don't know what I'm going to do with all this time other than work. But all work and no play makes Leelah a dull girl.

I can't say I feel any better but I am hoping that with each passing day I can recover a little more of my integrity.

EPILOGUE III





This is like kicking a heroin addiction. I haven't had intense body reactions such as these since I did ayahuasca back in 2012. My skin is crawling, the anxiety leaves me without breath and when I cry all I can do is wail out his name, because my words are lost. He won't hear me say how much I need him. I feel like I have been thrown into this abyss that spirals around me like a really bad night terror or nightmare. It is overwhelming and scary. I could have never seen this coming, so I had no way to prepare for it.

The morning I got broken up with I had a dream that he and I were holding guns in an island and protecting ourselves from zombies. In the dream he went with one of them and left me by myself. He was gloating to them about something, sounding real confident. In the dream the sun was setting and the sky was a vivid orange and pink. Everything was kissed by the sun and the breeze was like that of spring. I was sad in the dream, and when I woke up the sadness lingered still.

I have no notion of time passing, sometimes it feels like six hours have passed and when I check the clock its only been one and a half. The days are endless. Oh, what a pain to wake up and realize I exist in a loveless life without my home. I don't belong to him anymore. I won't get to share the same bed, be held, be teased, hear him say good night or that he loves me. My routine shattered along with the dreams of my future. Days have so far been endless and torturous. I don't want to be alive anymore.

I have therapy tomorrow and I hate that I have to go back there. I hate how I feel. I hate that I can't focus. I hate everything about my life now. Just a few days ago I still had hope I could have my dreams come true. Now I have shards of a dream that slowly dissipate. This sucks.



If I had met him on Wednesday I would have held him so close. I would have made sure to tell him how much I loved him and appreciated him for everything he did to me. I wish he would have believed me when I told him I would get it sorted. I had to, I would never have gambled with my happiness. He warned me so many times, and  all that time I thought his heart would steer him back to me. I thought he would wake up and remember how he felt, and that he would come to me because he knew I would forgive him for anything he did.

My neighbor made me food and brought it to me at lunch. All I had managed to force myself to eat were strawberries despite all the food in my fridge. I thanked him with my heart in my hands for taking care of me. A lot of people came forward with their take and their wishes, and they soothed me for a little while. Then the wound starts to open back up and I get pretty frantic.

The storm inside me isn't like the previous ones. This one's different. It stays the entire time I am conscious. It doesn't lessen its intensity or the way it rolls over me with all of its might. This one is going to do to me what Irma and Maria did to my motherland. It's violating me. I feel completely beaten up. Why did I give myself to this extent? Why didn't I reserve anything to protect myself from this kind of pain? Because I was safe before??? I thought I had finally gotten there.

I hate this so much. I hate that I'm stuck here. I hate that I ache for him and need him so much. I hate that he's okay not being around me anymore. That fucking monster.
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