The day is finally near, and so ends my stage of denial. There is a personal story I want to share with my Samhain Moon readers concerning the past. Although I dwell in the present, — and sometimes in the future — there are elements of my past that have spilled onto the present. Those influences are helping to shape my future, whether short term or long term. I have always believed in flourishing while basking in romance, especially when you find the right one. It's good for you! When you are in love, your goals are more probable because you are more motivated. There is so much intensity in sharing the highlights of your life with somebody else, working as a team, and building the foundation for a bright future. To me, that notion used to feel as if it was out of my reach. I wanted a prosperous relationship but I didn't realize that my romantic interests didn't. They had other aspirations, and their goals didn't include me.
Before I engaged in my current relationship, the dynamics of my romances were very different. In my days as a bachelorette I was fearless as well as risky, but above all things I was untameable. Don't ask me how, but ever since the breakup from my first ever boyfriend in the 10th grade, I successfully — and also unsuccessfully — dated multiple partners at a time. I was a little broken from losing my longest lasting relationship of one year and two months to my best friend. After this I had trouble committing to just one partner, and it isn't hard to imagine why. I wouldn't say that they weren't enough, I'll just leave it at the fact that I didn't receive nurturing from any of them. I enjoyed meeting and dating people too much to settle down, and many of my partners felt the same way. I think that the tendency started as I realized that the people I was dating were also dating other people at the same time. In hindsight, I think that I probably did the right thing. Years of teenage and early adulthood aren't suited to be settling down. With the continuous crushes and nightmarish obsessions I experienced, I scared one too many great visionaries from my life. With the tendency of getting entangled — and having horrid fall outs — witch people that I still really admire and miss dearly. [I hope that one day you'll forgive me!]
Regardless of all the damage, these almost lovers and failed romances all influenced me in one way or another. Even if I had the habit of dating a number of them at once wouldn't really have bothered them, I am also glad the majority of them didn't find out! Those were necessary stages for me to get over the trauma I suffered at the age of 15 — a trauma that wouldn't allow me to live a healthy romantic life up until now. Regardless of the context, I shared many wonderful moments with certain individuals, and I respect them. Good times... I can't say I didn't explore possibilities while I was having fun! A great thing from my experiences in that I managed to identify patterns of my behavior as well as compatible aspects v.s. things I wasn't so comfortable with. I tried obsessive relationships, open relationships, and a whole lot of gray areas before I got to where I am now.
One night as we both lay entangled in bed, I told him that I felt I had been fixed from my romantic debaucheries. He asked me if my latest romantic partner had done so, but after disclosing intimate adventures to him, I told him he was the one that fixed me. It was a strange realization to have and even stranger to confide, but it was well received. To all the naysayers: J and I are very happy, and we won't be torn apart by anything... or anyone. Not any time soon, at least!
We celebrate our first anniversary with nothing but love and dreams between us. I love you, Bone King.