THE CRISP BREEZE OF RENEWAL

There is so much to talk about right now. In the time I have been gone from the blog I went to Disneyland and to Galaxy's Edge again, I made a friend, I got an apology for Chris for everything that happened and protests erupted all throughout the world, but especially in my homeland. I am very happy with the shift in the wind and the opportunity to pick my life back up after all the insanity that ensued. Now I am focusing my efforts towards stabilizing my life and I can feel a skip in my step as I am going through my commitments. I feel like myself again.

A couple of weeks ago I did a private ritual with a silver candle and a white one. I used sage, palo santo, dimethyltryptamine with blue lotus, and a crystal grid. I find that my crafting was successful and brought with it the serenity, understanding, security and positivity that I had asked for. I was very impressed with the fast results and remain grateful for the hand its positive influence had in my life in the days and weeks to come. I had spent some time with a new friend that proved to be a positive influence. An enthusiastic endorser of psychonautics that gifted me with a high tier herbal mix for introspective purposes. I found the mix to be optimal for higher learning and walked away from the experience feeling renewed in spirit. I don't know that I will do it again very many more times, but I liked the experience I had. Up until now I have done Ayahuasca, salvia divinorum, kambo, and dmt. I have tried all the entheogenic experiences I was curious about.

Just as I had set my thoughts to acceptance, I got a phone call the morning after that I didn't expect. I definitely didn't see it coming. My life took a very positive turn that day, and since then I walk around with the soothing balm of not aching every hour of the day. I've had clarity of mind and ability to focus again, and am realigning with my goals. I still have a very busy social life and plans to look forward to, with the added joy of games to play when I find time to myself. I have been wanting to make this post for a few days now, but have been too busy to get around to it.

The time since has been spent prioritizing my needs and processing everything that happened. I have been looking to spend more time alone in order to get my thoughts straight. I am enjoying the extra time taken to relax even if it is rare. In reconnecting to myself I am finding that I have more motivation to spend time in the kitchen and looking after myself. I feel generally much healthier and I gained back all the weight I had lost already, which was surmountable. I look like myself again!

About two weeks ago a scandal broke out in Puerto Rico that I want to talk about. Governor Ricardo Rossello had his Telegram chat logs leaked in which he gloated about his abuse of power and posted strategies to keep his image sharp. The use of poor jokes and the rampant disregard for others makes him out to look like a sinister narcissist. And all his lackeys with their fragmented influence playing the game to stay in his favor for the benefits it brings. I read he chat logs that were leaked and think there is much more to the story that we don't know about. The content that was uploaded covered a few months in what spans a few years of office. There is more we don't know about, and may not come to find out. They have probably deleted the proof.

Much to my wonder, the people took to the streets of Old San Juan and surrounding areas with passion. They have been protesting often, and in very creative ways. I feel very proud of my heritage right now, and bask in the glow of the unifying light of our people as we shed it right now. I am very proud of all the celebrities and news reporters who are present and spreading the message across the globe. We must continue until real change is made, and this is our chance to make it.

I am curious to see what will happen next. This is a very big moment for Puerto Rico, and I am optimistic about the future that we are fighting for in the most exemplary way. We are raising our name by advocating change in a very jovial way, unique to our character and history. We are passionate people, and we clearly love our native island.


I feel very uplifted in general. I have a ton of boring stuff I need to do that I'm not looking forward to, but at least I am feeling better. It's great not to go to bed dreading a nightmare that will keep me up the rest of the night. It's great to have gone to Disneyland again feeling more myself and able to enjoy the park with zest. I have a lot that I want to post on the blog, so with time allowing I'll get a few reviews and lifestyle posts published.

Fire Emblem: Three Houses is coming out in a couple of days and I am very excited to get it. I love that series, and have played multiple Fire Emblem games. I'm going out tonight, too. I'm really looking forward to the ability to dance and to see some of my goth friends. I just don't relate or enjoy that Top 40 life. Top 40 music generally sucks.

Wishing you all a great week!
♡♡

THE LIFE OF A SOOTHSAYER

I have been telling fortunes for more than half of my life. I picked the cards up at a very early age, at least four years after I had started using talking boards and automatic writing or drawing. It was a natural process for me; I felt the call somehow and didn’t know how to answer back but I staid the course. I learned through observation and the sense of feeling. Nobody taught me what I know. It took 11 years before I found my mentor and worked towards my certification. Now I stand over almost 19 years of divination and fortune-telling and I am astounded at how quickly time has passed, and at how much experience I've amassed.

The way you interact with the cards changes as you gain more experience. I used to have a set meaning system I’d refer to and recite depending on the context of the reading. I used to avoid reversals because I felt it would mess with the balance of all the archetypes.

Now I attribute meaning based off what is surrounding the card and what the symbols in the tableau point out to me. I read reversed meanings if the cards around the one I am looking at indicate it should be. I can see peoples’ life patterns and gloss them down into situational reasons for concern. Then I reverse it by offering advice or laying the options they have out on the table. It’s an electric process, certainly one I enjoy thoroughly.

The life of a soothsayer comes with many challenges. People who are your “friend” encourage you to read for free and drain you. You’ll often pick up on more than you want to when you are introduced to new people. People become case studies rather than friends you want to make. You have this quiet understanding about who they are because your intuition tells you so, but you can’t quite put into words how it is you know so much about them. You just know and you accept, much like the High Priestess does.



There are many joys that come along with the practice of divination. You connect with people more easily, and revel in the moments you feel in tune with them. A strong connection can light your spirit with inspiration and with motivation for your future. You feel good about the notion you can help someone sort through their options to forge a better path to their own future.

At the end of the day, the gift is heavy from the responsibility you shoulder. Vulnerable people will believe what you tell them, and you need to be fully concentrated to really take in their life. Helping others becomes a challenge if you have to compartmentalize your mind with your own problems you are trying to solve and their own. One does not relate to the other, so often times you will find that as a reader you need to tune out of your mundane life so you can be a present, open channel for your querent. Therein lies the sacrifice.

The life of a spiritual worker is one of self-sacrifice and devotion to others. It teaches us to walk a silent path where we carry and protect secrets; ours and those of others. Now I understand why the Hierophant jealously guards those two keys. There are entire vaults of secret information not privy to the eyes of those who don’t understand. You need to earn you right to see and understand those secrets.



Wherever you are at in your journey, I hope you found your own experiences identified in this journal post. May your intuition lead you to gain new insights with which to fuel your fire.
♡♡

ANTHOLOGY

This explains everything. Thank you, Social Repose. The Empress EP did something for me. It shed a lot of light on my own inner shadows, imperfections that I have wrestled with and buckled under.

Do you ever have those moments in which your soul looks itself in the mirror and the mirror cracks? You stand there for a moment, stunned. The seconds roll by seemingly on tap, but you're there in the middle of it with no notion of time passing. You are more focused on the highlights and definition of a personal discovery. Becoming more conscious of the self sometimes comes with shock and jolt. Your vision slowly starts to expand, dark spaces have light shed on them and you begin to fill in the blanks. You make more sense of yourself and get acquainted with the parts of you that nobody could possibly love, but it's still you and you have to learn how to love yourself somehow.

I've had those moments recently. They have kept me introspective for days. At the end of it, I am more patient with myself. Kinder and more accepting. Understanding my flaws has brought acceptance, and acquiesced the war that broke out within me such a long time ago. I waged the most brutal of wars with myself, but that's pretty much over now. And for that I am immensely thankful.

Coming out of dark times with a better understanding of your shortcomings and limits is necessary. I have gotten so much better at saying no, at respecting other peoples' boundaries and definitely at having my own boundaries be respected. I started to take care of myself and found so many answers to questions that needed tending to. And here I am, a work in progress but loads happier. But most importantly, I am at peace. This was definitely not an easy state of mind to achieve.



In light of the Social Repose public scandal, some of us have found our own personal truths. It is definitely possible to learn or gain new perspective from someone else's mistakes. Sometimes you can see two sides of yourself reflected in two people whose lives are alien to you, but whose feelings you deeply resonate with. That's so intense! There is definitely quite a bit of darkness being exposed, and watching them endure it under public scrutiny has made examples of both of them.

I am first and foremost grateful for these lessons. Grateful to Richie and Jaclyn for being brave enough to confront this difficult time and still have the courage to share their thoughts on the Internet. I am also grateful to those who have shown me compassion at times when I have most needed it, even if I don't necessarily deserve it. I am grateful to those who respected and protected my boundaries even if they disagreed with my actions or point of view. They set some great examples. I feel grateful to having been given the space to pick my life back up after the disasters I went through in years past. I am still a work in progress, but I am doing better every day.



Let's turn to the cards. There are quiet conversations yet to be had.

How can we learn from our dark nature?



Four cards fall on the table. Ten of Wands — Eight of Swords — The World — Queen of Swords

It starts with staying away from messy situations and with not loading ourselves with more weight than we can carry. It's so easy to get consumed by the extra weight we needlessly carry. So much weight gets placed on our shoulders, and some of those burdens make no sense to slave to. We build our own mental prisons with walls to keep help out, in fear of personal attack. The worst thing we can do to ourselves is wage wars with the mirror. The Queen of Swords sees her stoic face reflecting back from the blade of her sword. She revels in her solitude, her words are her gift to the rest and her contribution to this world.

We can learn not to resist circumstances, as that generates pain. We can open ourselves up to accept the world as it is, interacting with it and being ready to defend ourselves and our position. There is so much going on around us; it feels like our home planet is enduring challenge after challenge. In a place where there are so many opinions and paths of life, no two people share the same experiences or perspectives 100%. We need to endorse tolerance, and we also need to protect our personal space. Boundaries keep us comfortable for as long as we need, and the moment somebody oversteps ours we tend to fight back. We need to hold ourselves at the standard we have defined ourselves to be at, and sometimes that includes setting examples or making examples of other people.

Hello, signifier. Its been a while since I have seen you. Cool and calm Queen of Swords, how I've missed you. You choose how your interactions go and you are so impeccable with your words. 🗡🗡🗡

Advice from the cards,



The Moon — Six of Cups — King of Coins — Six of Wands

Do as the most stable of your friends do. Don't get absorbed into the manic mindsets, intense and messy feelings, or in the confusion of not being able to see what's ahead. Not knowing can be maddening when you're asking yourself. Don't dwell on that which you no longer have any power over. If it's in the past, that's where it stays. You can't change it or how others feel about it, but you can look after yourself and you can do better. You can strive to be stronger and not to act on impulse. Think things through before you act and you may find you left the murk of confusion in your past, where it belongs.

In conclusion,
I have to admit that I've been thinking about this for so long now. I have started opening up to people and telling them about some of my inner battles. Being vulnerable and sharing something less than glamorous about yourself is really hard to do, it certainly takes courage. But for those of us who don't wish to be caught in the same cycle year after year, relationship after relationship; the work needs to be done. It's not easy, it's certainly not pleasant to go through, but it's necessary.

Take it slow, breathe. Take some personal space, let others make their decisions. Live with your own. Do no harm but take no shit. In other words, move on and don't look back.

It's interesting how life works. I've had so much to contemplate over the past few months. Grateful for all the light being shed in the darkest patches. Mysteries spring to life and understanding. And yet, I'm not perfect. I will likely have relapses and I will likely continue to make mistakes, but I want to improve and that's what I set out to do.

Thanks for reading.
♡♡

MUSEUM OF DEATH

I spend a lot of time contemplating death. Most of my romantic partners would agree they’ve had this conversation with me many times. Don't get me wrong, I don’t fancy murdering somebody, or even hurting people in the least. Death is a natural concept and it's an inescapable one for the entirety of us. It can be synonymous with the unknown or the biggest mystery, but eventually we all come to experience and understand it. However, I do think about what happens to us after our hearts stop beating and consciousness fades from the brain after the fabled fireworks. I see it as a scary transition. A couple of years ago I was mentoring under The Roaring Dark, who is a very knowledgeable death worker. The course has since gone cold, but it's still something I keep present in my day to day. I know that time doesn't stop for anybody and that I need to make the most of my life. I can’t explain where my obsession with death comes from, but I can tell you right now I have spent exponentially more time contemplating it than the average person does. I know this to be true.

There’s a place in Los Angeles that I can’t quite get out of my head. I had read about it in articles a couple of years ago and knew it was worthy of exploration.

This site was previously a recording studio, where Pink Floyd and other artists produced their music.

As soon as I stepped into the exhibit, I was overwhelmed. Across the room was John Wayne Gacy’s original artwork. To my right, his shoes and handcuffs. Handcuffs he used on kids. To my left, photos of Richard Ramirez, his smut magazines and a shirt he wore while in prison.  Your head gets filled with noise. I had a hard time concentrating, there was something pulling at me from every direction. Following instinct, I veered to the left to begin the experience. Letters kept in binders, photographs and original drawings. Richard Ramirez is the serial killer I have researched the most, so I looked into his corner of the exhibit first. There is a questionnaire he fills out that is very funny, it shows his humor in writing. I had the impression of having seen mix tapes, but my memory is blurring. Their wide and crazy eyes stare right back at you unabashedly through their photographs, so it’s hard to focus with so much being thrown at you. I definitely consider this experience to be an overwhelming one.

Next there was plenty of material from John Wayne Gacy, The Killer Clown. This guy is my nightmares embodied, I haven’t been very fond of clowns since I learned of his existence. Niki said his shoes stank. I saw the madness in the strokes of his art. I stood there staring Pogo who stared back with an air of kindness the art bestowed upon him. I’m not sure how I feel about serial killers depicting themselves in a light of kindness, but then I also know it’s a matter of perspective. I can’t speak for their own perspectives on their psychological makeup.



Moving along, my eyes fell on an electric chair and the decapitated head of Bluebeard Henri Landau, the lonely hearts killer of Paris. After this, what comes is a bombardment of slaughter, sex, torture, suicide, funerary processes, shrunken heads, mass suicide, war photos, public decapitations, crime scenes, suicide machines, taxidermy, creepy famous pets, children's coffins (gag! I could not approach this part of the museum at all! No sir!), The Many Traces of Death movie, the list of horrors goes on. There was even a sprinkle of spirituality in a Mexican Day of the Dead altar space. The exhibits were crammed one over the other, collaged together and filling the walls up almost entirely. It's all so overwhelming that at times you will experience nausea depending on how compassionate or numb you are.

I can compare this equation to stepping into the room of a recluse who takes delight in researching the macabre, collaging their entire room in the contents until there is no more space for a pin or sticker. This place is jam packed with morbid imagery and trophy photos documenting serious crimes. They have real belongings of the murderers, and even actual beds and personal items from the Heaven’s Gate cult of San Diego. That exhibit kept me frozen in place for a couple of minutes.

The museum staff came up to ask me if I was okay a couple of times. I didn’t say much, but I did my best to smile at them. Apparently people pass out in the museum, and their fall is called a falling down ovation in jest. I'm not kidding!

You all know me to be an empath. I think what I was met with initially were leftover feelings of shock by unsuspecting people that come into the museum unaware of what lies in it. And it only got heavier the deeper I went. I think that I gave out when I reached the room of Charles Manson and the Black Dahlia murder. I was so saturated with the previous rooms what my body could not process the gore of the crime scene photos. Afterwards all I could do was look at and take in the morbid images. I made a mental note to return another day, but I definitely wouldn’t do it if I didn’t have my partner in crime with me. She has the same sense of curiosity as I do while not being thrown into the creepy macabre fan girl group. Gross.

Scouting through the museum must have taken us a little over an hour. We didn’t zoom through the contents and tried to hover long enough to gain an understanding before continuing. There were about three exhibits I couldn’t stand to be around very long, mostly because I’m not a sadist. I can't stomach cruelty towards kids in any form. They're pure souls.

After the experience I was definitely stunned. The museum staff attentively asked us what we thought about the museum and we lingered for a few minutes more to chat.



It felt like I had so much white noise in my head that it cancelled the free flow of thoughts. We contemplated what we had just seen over burgers at Shake Shack and talked about our normal lives as if unphased by the museum.

In the days following the museum visit I have felt heavier and heavier. There is so much gore now permanently lodged in my mind that I don’t know how I feel about it. Alas, it can’t be helped. But I had a very interesting experience with that place, and if you ever find yourself in LA I recommend that you try it if you are in the proper company.

Lastly, please don't take your children. This is no place for them, even though the concept of death is inevitable. Spare them the trauma.
♡♡

SOLAR MAGICK OF ANTIQUITY

Today we have a very special guest entry authored by Vayu Tiger, also known as Robert Powell.

Magick is an art that has transformed the lives of people from the common man to the most educated. Wonders of this craft produce results based on the effort you place into it (on a practical level and metaphysical level.) Culturally in terms of speaking, each system varies from nation to nation. There were two particular forms of magick around the Aegean and Mediterranean Sea introduced based on the sun 2,000 years ago. Each of these systems has a practical esoteric application and esoteric literal view. Once you learn this ancient duality of Helios these concepts could completely make your magical and mundane life a far deeper experience. However I will be focusing solely on solar magick in this blog post.

The Sun on a practical level was seen to the laymen as the benevolent self-sufficient father that gave life to man. He was the procreative masculine force that was born, died, and reborn. But keep in mind this the most basic of his meaning of Sol. Humans at that period were extremely lucky to live past the age of forty. Essentially, humans saw this cyclic process as reflective upon their own lives. Another practical meaning of the sun was the ability to calculate times and formulate a calendar. It is easy to forget that ancient peoples of two millennia ago and beyond used astrology more for calendar uses than horoscopes, unlike today, where astrology is more personalized for individual psychology. So the Sun was a clock. When we read The Greek Magical Papyri in Translation with Demotic Spells, a book written in Hellenized Egypt, we find the sun had 12 hours during the day and 12 hours during the night, rather than ceremonial magick planetary hours. The sun was the primary focus. The solar timing could determine when the Nile River was going to flood seasonally and acted as a clock based on angle in the sky. Following the patterns of our solar star was seen as the giver of light, as man only had oil lamps to see during the night. Thus, that light was worshiped and was a metaphor for enlightenment or knowledge. This is why philosophers like Pythagoras, Socrates and Iamblichus avidly gave praise to Apollo.

Esoterically and magically, the sun was the benevolent father who defined the journey of the hero. Samson, the man whose strength came from his hair, translates to the “Sun Man” as Manly Palmer Hall states in his astrotheology lecture given in philosophy. Pythagoras was associated to the sun god, Apollo, in Croton according to Iamblichus. Pytha literally translates to Apollo. Therefore many people believed Pythagoras’ wisdom in mathematics, politics, science, music therapy, creating a just legal system, and egalitarian way of life was linked to him being an incarnation of Apollo. It was from Pythagoras that the seed of western civilization had begun to influence latter philosophers such as Plato. The sun was seen as the source of knowledge in the esoteric sense with the application of self-knowledge and scientific knowledge. It was because hidden secrets were being revealed, it was shedding light on darkness. This later played a role in Christianity as the Christ figure with the credit going to Platonism. Most generally, the sun represented the intellect of man.

Practically and esoterically we find the sun’s role in magick when we observe PGM III. 494-611 in this 2,000 year old text called “To Establish a Relationship with Helios”. It is obvious this was written for a mystery school initiation of sorts:

A procedure for every rite, for all things, for whatever you want, invoke this way:
"Come, come to me from the four winds of the world, air-traversing, great god. Hear me in every ritual which I perform, and grant all the petitions of my prayer completely, because I know your signs, symbols and forms, who you are each hour and what your name is.

In the first hour you have the form and character of a young monkey; the tree you produce is the silver fir; the stone the aphanos; the bird... your name is PHROUER.

In the second hour you have the form of a unicorn; the tree you produce is the Persea; the stone, the pottery stone; the bird, halouchakon; on land, the ichneumon; your name is BAZETOPHOTH.

In the third hour, you have the form of a cat; the tree you produce is the fig tree; the stone, samouchos; the bird the parrot; on land, the frog; your name is AKRAMMACHAMAREI.

In the fourth hour you have the form of a bull; the tree you produce...the stone, the amethyst; the bird, the turtledove, on land, the bull; your name is DAMNAMENEUS.

In the fifth hour you have the form of a lion; the tree you produce is the prickly shrub; the stone, the magnet; the bird...on land, the crocodile; your name is PHOKENGEPSEUARETATHOUMISONKTAIKT.

In the sixth hour you have the form of a donkey; the tree you produce is the thorn tree; the stone, lapis lazuli; in the sea, the jellyfish; on land, the white-faced cow; your name is EIAU AKRI LYX...

In the sevent hour you have the form of a crayfish; the tree you produce... you produce...; the stone, sun opal; the bird...on land, the cat; your name is...

In the eighth hour you have the form...the tree you produce...the stone... the bird..; on land, the hippopotamus; your name is...

In the ninth hour you have the form of an ibis; the tree you produce... the stone...; on land, the chameleon; your name...

In the tenth you have the form...; the tree you produce...the stone; one the color of a falcon's neck; the bird...

In the twelfth hour you have the form..your name is ADONAI...

... GABRIEL ALLOEA... OUREEDYDIE THARABRACHIRIGX IARBATHACHRAMNEPHIBAOCHNYMEO KAMPYKRIL... ELAMMARE

I have spoken your signs and symbols. Therefore, lord, do the NN deed by necessity, lest I shake heaven. Do the NN deed for me; you are the image, the whole of the universe, you who, after being selected, guarded the holy place of the great great king. Do the NN deed for me, the one who keeps the keys the triangular paradise of earth, which is the kingdom. Do the NN deed for for me, the fatherless child of an honored widow, BOIATHYRITH, lest they take away from me the lord's fatherland and so that all good things happen by command, PHNOUNKENGEPSEUARETATHOUMISONKTAIKT MASKELLI MASKELLO PHNKETABAO ARIO ZAGRA RESICHTHON HIPPOCHTHON PYROSPARIPEGANYX KAILAM IALMIO LILIMOULEALABAELABAENEREDEMOU.

Come to me in your holy circuit of
The Holy Spirit, founder of the world,
O god of gods, lord of the world, who have
Divided by your own divine spirit
The universal first from the firstborn you
Appeared, created carefully, from water
That's turbulent, who founded all the world:
Abyss, earth, fire, water, air, and in turn
Ether of roaring rivers, red-faced moon,
Heaven's stars, morning stars, and whirling planets.
Tis by your counsels they attend all things.

You who summon... AMOCHL... PHODOPH... M... ARPHTHO... IBK/PSOUPHIS TOM... OIOTH OPHROUER CHMEIB HARPONKNOUPHI BRINTATENOPHRI BRISKYLMA BAROUAR ZARBAMESEG KRIPHI NIGTHOU MICHMOUMAOPH IAOLI PRIN ASTRAPTES AI CHEAOKRITABAOZAALE ASRISKI...OU BRITHEI STOMA, master. Come to me, lord, you who sometimes raise the light, sometimes lower the darkness with your own power. Hear me, lord, me, NN, graciously, gladly, and for a blessing, from every element from every wind, today, with your happy face, in the present hour, because I invoke your holy name from the right of the axis: IAO AOI OAI OYA OOOOOO AAAAAA IY...OAI, but from the left of the axis; IAO AYO IOAI PIPI OOO OO III AYO.. OA OAI. Come to me with a happy face to a bed of your choice, giving to me, NN, sustenance, health, health safety, wealth, the blessing of children, knowledge, a ready hearing, goodwill, sound judgment, honor, memory, grace, shapeliness, beauty to all who see me; you who hear me in everything whatsoever, give me persuasiveness with words, great god, to the EYAEO IO IAO OAI OIO EAYI TAS ERCHIS AUXACHOCH HARSAMOSI. I beg, master, accept my entreaty, the offering to you which you commanded. In order that you might now illuminate me with knowledge of things beloved by you even after the kind restoration of my material body, I pray, lord, accept this my request, the entreaty, the preliminary spell, the offering of my eloquent spirit. Let it also come to you, ruler of all, in order that you fulfill all the petitions of my prayer, you who originated from gods. We give you thanks with every soul and heart stretched out to you, unutterable name honored with the appellation of god and blessed with the appellation of father, for to everyone and to everything you have shown fatherly goodwill, affection, friendship and sweetest power, granting us intellect, speech, and knowledge; intellect so that we might understand you, speech so that we might call upon you, knowledge so that we might know you. We rejoice because you showed yourself to us; we rejoice because while we are still in bodies you deified us by knowledge of who you are. The thanks of man to you is one: to come to know you, O womb of all knowledge. We have come to know, O womb pregnant through the father's begetting. We have come to know, O eternal continuation of the pregnant father. After bowing thus before your goodness, we ask no favor except this: will that we be maintained in knowledge of you; and one protection that we not fall away from a life such as this...

In conclusion, this spell clearly demonstrates the practical and esoteric metaphysical practices the sun symbolized the world of man internally and externally. Therefore, I wrote this invocation below in my own way for further purposes of understanding.



AN INVOCATION OF HELIOS:
IAO, SABAOTH, APOLLO, HELIOS, RA, OSIRUS, HORUS
I invoke the Holy, Solar One.
The one who is victorious over Seth.
Thee, Thee I invoke.
The God of man yesterday, today, and in the future.
Hawk-headed you are and laurel is sacred to you.
Thee, Thee I invoke.
Each hour of the day is yours and yours only,
You carry the golden orb across the sky.
Thee, Thee I invoke.

I am he, the benevolent father who gives life,
Also he who the malevolent warrior who acts with every word.
From the East I am born and resurrected,
And in the west my last breath takes me into a journey in the underworld,
The fumigation of Frankincense is my offering in the day,
I am the Lord of Light of the watch tower from the height of heaven.
In the ecstasy of my pleasure I give thou the waters of the sacred Nile,
The abode of prophets and kings is my initiation.
Air-Traversing God of fire and man I am,
He who gives life on the impoverished and aristocratic alike.
For I am King by day and a wayfarer by night,
One half of the day I am in my palace of Gold,
The other half on a conquest with no possessions in darkness.
Behold, my words to be splendor the soul with every sound,
Each thought is carried to my azure, my beloved widow.
My hawk-headed son is heart full of passion,
Fighting in my name to conquer the storm-bearer, Seth.
Behold, as I am the chariot rider bringing light to darkness,
Philosophers hold my bounteous name for eternity.
I will rise for ever and ever without chains or restraints,
Slaying creatures and keeping the world’s vitality in my fortitude.

Helios and I are now one together,
In union through body, mind and spirit for the Great Work!
For we give light to the dreary and dispirited,
We give the heart of a lion for every conquest.
Every spirit and elemental conjured in my name,
Here thy voice! The voice of fire and thunder.
The crown on my head exhibits my reign and power,
It is my mind inflamed continuously burning with knowledge!
My right hand wields the sword and the left, the wand,
One is my thought and the other is my action!
Humbled, yet stern I stand before thee,
Consoled through the journey of the dead.
My end is your end,
My beginning is your beginning!
I am Ra, Osiris, Horus, Apollo, Helios, and Hyperion!
My throne is thine even when appearing vacant,
Round this whirling circle I go to keep the circular earth in order.
Surviving the chaos of the ferryman and the daemons,
They grasp after my garment and I am still here!
Hearken to thy power in silence,
And forever shall we live a life such as this.

I would like to thank Leelahel for allowing me to post such a blog and you reading it!



Thank you, Vayu Tiger
♡♡

AYAHUASCA

Hey, want to read an intense story?

I’ve been combing through old journals to assess my life and try to figure out where the wrong turns went. What has been an emotional time machine has unearthed a story I promised long ago and never got to share. It took me years to build up the courage to share it because it is so intense and personal.

So how about it?

Five years ago today I drove up the mountain path and through the end of a double rainbow to have a really unique experience. I was destined to meet a Shaman and to try ayahuasca. Since then, I haven't been able to forget what I went through. In hindsight, it foreshadowed major events that happened during the start of my Saturn Return. I learned some of the biggest life lessons this year, and yet when I look back in time I see an echo right before even getting started learning! It all feels like a preemptive warning for when the real deal events take place years later. I survived!

There are drawings in this journal that I would like to share with you another day, to help you envision things as I saw them. I wish to be able to paint these one day in a much larger scale.



12/19/2011
"What a night! This experience has been a major turning point in my personal development and life. We sat at the river for hours, basking in the sun and enjoying ourselves. After a quick splash in the river, we gathered out own placement in what later came to be the site of the sacred circle. We gave thanks for what was about to happen, opened the circle, invoked the spirit guides, and so it started. Paula was first, then my Mom, then Doris, then me. When my turn came, I sat before the shaman and stared. He offered me many blessings and safe travels. I was still for a moment, then I took a sip. Gulping the brew down afterwards, it was like bad tobacco. Gross.

We all sat in silence to wait while the Shaman sang icaros and prepared the environment for us, shaking his rattles and beating his drums. The high vibrations pounded in our chests, synchronizing our hearts to the divine energy of the brew that was filtered through our inner universes. And slowly we started to turn into the trance state of mind. I lay there in the forest floor for what felt like an eternity, yet nothing happened. The lady next to me was singing, singing, singing. She started to laugh and said, “all these colors!” Next thing I know, Mom is puking and Patricia instructed the shaman to give me more ayahuasca. Sitting in the middle of the circle again, I took another shot of the brew. I was worried about Mom after the second shot, and then the trip hit me instantly.

I looked up at the clouds and there were bunnies with teeth looking down at me. I was seeing evil things in the sky, so I closed my eyes. I saw a bird of fire come to me and embrace me. I saw Archangel Michael. He was yellow and orange, and he was vibrant. I closed my eyes while I covered them with my hands and then it all began. It starts with tunnel vision and then a massive quilted blanket of warm colors spinning like a kaleidoscope, turning, spinning and dividing. I was drenched in overwhelming despair, the anguish that I would never be happy again . I was suffering and I kept trying to open my eyes to go back to reality. It spun on for ages, and then suddenly it started turning grey and purple. Then the sequence repeated itself 6 or 7 more times. Stuck in what felt like an endless loop.



I woke up briefly, then returned to my trance. Suddenly I was bathed in pink and purple accents. I felt an overwhelming sense of time for my then boyfriend. It left me in ecstasy and I smiled the biggest smile, repeating vocally how much I loved him and yearned to be one with him. Then the sadness came again and I told him that I was sorry. I begged him for forgiveness, and then I sat up and puked. The loop of ecstacy and sadness happened many times, and I secretly feared I’d be stuck in this mindset forever.

This was the climax of the trip. I kept dying and coming back to life, then I had some massive dramas. Boys, Father, online habits and self-esteem. I kept purging it, and re-living it, like a hard lesson not to mistreat myself. I got scolded by Facebook on my computer for my Internet addiction. I said I was sorry multiple times. I felt like my life had come to an end at that point. The desperation welled up and I screamed in agony, but to everyone around me it sounded like I was singing.. The emotional beatings kept on coming and I kept on puking. I got stuck in a cycle of spitting, puking, touching the ground, touching my forehead, saying I couldn’t take it anymore and then puking again. When I became self-aware I realized that everyone was staring. My Mom asked me if I was okay.

Night was falling and everybody was anxious to get back before the stars came out, but I was too immersed in that world to come out of it. The shaman and his partner tried to wake me. They passed nettle leaves over my wrists and on my lower back so that the itch would help bring me back to consciousness, but I was too far gone. I had physically gone unconscious. I was floating through space, seeing novas and plants I never knew existed. I ended up seeing Shiva with rings of life and destruction cycling behind. I went with Shiva to the origin of the universe. I spun through that place, which looked to me like an old Microsoft interface with color and shape. When I opened my eyes, I saw Patricia in the river. The Shaman’s partner Meika came up to me and told me I had to stop letting people drain me and steal my energy. She kept telling me to find my center, and she also tried to wake me up. I couldn’t respond.


Night fell fully, it was cold and we had to go but I was stuck in the cosmic whirlwind of sacred revelations. I heard voices talking to me and saw staggeringly beautiful light beings that were showing me my psychic gifts. I had clairvoyance, and so they showed me a wall of hundreds of eyes in blue and purple in what looked like a net. Then they showed me clairsentience, empathy, mediumship and visions of the past. I pleaded them to take my gifts and told them I didn’t want them anymore. The voice told me I had a purpose in life and that I should forgive my Father. [So many years later, I am shocked at the relevance of this teaching. The plant knew what it was doing.]

I opened my eyes as the Shaman poured ice cold water from the river on me to wake me up. Then they forced me to stand, and off we went. We ran for what felt like an eternity and I came in and out of consciousness. My ears were buzzing like an arcade. One moment my feet were in the muff, the next I was back in the cosmic vortex.

At one point the forest came alive with thousands of fireflies. It looked like a scene out of an avatar movie. Since I couldn’t stay conscious, I only saw it for a second. It was the most beautiful natural event I have ever seen in my life.

Meika’s family took me to a bungalow and helped me shower, then slipped me into clean clothes. I stared at her brother Kahlil in the eyes, and he stared right back. I knew he wanted to say something, but I had no idea what it was. As it turns out he had the same experience just the week before and had nearly passed away, and there I was reminding him of how dark it got for him at one point in time. Then the Shaman came in and told me to get some rest, that we would have a serious talk the next day. I heard the arcade sounds the entire night, and they as well as the voice left me around 4 A.M. the next day.



The night was spent pouring my heart out to my Mom about my inner fears and secrets. The coqui frogs were very loud, and in the room next to ours Doris listened in on our entire conversation without adding to it. Everyone was so wonderful in taking care of me. Meika came around yelling in my face that I should never let anybody drain me again, and she had this fierceness to her that made her light up with life.

The next day, the Shaman sat me down and warned me about my then boyfriend J. He told me with lots of concern that dark times were ahead and that I should separate from him, no matter how much I thought I loved him. He warned me that I would get hurt. We sat by the mountain path on a mossy bench that sat peacefully between two trees. He told me I have had by far the most intense ayahuasca trip that he had seen to date. He told me I was lucky because the plant doesn’t choose everybody for messages like that. He said he saw me purging a lot of negative energy in the form of spider webs, and that a lot of it wasn’t mine. That I had picked it up as I tried to help all those that got close to me. It pained him as he told me, but he said that the guy I was with benefit from my presence, but that I would end up in a huge rut.” — Diary entry.



In hindsight, he was right. I got pretty crushed, but it was also my own doing. I have to take responsibility now. Funny how life works! — It has certainly changed my mindset to read over these journal entries. You always get clear understanding of your circumstances when you look to the past for answer. The path you strayed from and forgot sends you into the thick of the woods to learn some valuable life lessons.

Right now I am prioritizing my spirit and taking care of myself. It seems counterproductive to unearth the past, but what I am really trying to do is face it in my own way. I want to make peace with my demons, and so far this is the only way accessible to me. I’m trying!

Up until now, I have only ever shared this experience with a handful of people. It is very personal and deals with some inner dilemmas that I wasn't prepared to publish back when it happened. While this will likely sound really crazy to anybody reading, it absolutely happened back then. And it is still relevant today. I am contemplating going for a second try, it feels like now that I understand the messages, I’d be able to have a different experience. Maybe I'll be able to close the chapters and the book forever. My soul is ready.



Onwards to healing and working internally to greet 2017 with a fresh face and open arms.
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RELEASE THE PAIN WITH GRACE

Let’s talk about a difficult subject: Loss. Particularly, loss of friends.

This has been the bane of my existence ever since I was in elementary school. Back then, the lost connections were quickly mended because you could almost immediately replace a friend to play with for another one. As I got older, though, so grew my attachments to people and the notion that the more I invested in them, the more I would strengthen our bond. I was wrong.

Loss is a natural event, and it is one that brings pain along if we resist it. I have found that in order to show myself compassion, I can perhaps allow myself to cry over it for a period of time. Once that time is up, I owe it to myself to nurture my broken spirit and to keep going. It builds strength, but in the face of loss, there is no strength that can control or prevent. Once the loss is effective, what is gone is gone. And that’s that.

I’ve always been extremely tender of heart, but equally sharp with my tongue. It is perhaps the make up for the Queen of Swords, the lonely widow who is disconnected from others and protective of herself, but still human. She still feels, she’s just been through enough to harden her heart and make her cool with logic. Logic protects the heart in this case.

I’ve shed a large number of tears in the past year because of my connections to others being severed. My emotional attachments don’t allow me to go down without really feeling it first. And it’s getting more acute the closer I get to my Saturn Return coming. I know what my biggest lessons are going to be because they’ve already been manifesting in my life. Saturn Return is going to be a real hoot!



The cosmos are not to be blamed for every misfortune in our lives, but I have noticed that these events have been happening during the retrogrades, the most recent of which is the retrograde of Mars in my sign, Libra. My Moon is in Aries and so is my Mars house, so its been affecting me in various aspects.

Today, I’ve set a single card on the table to honor these feelings, with the intention of letting go of this sense of loss. The ultimate shedding.

In this reflection I want to state that I accept the cards I’ve been dealt. I accept that as humans we are not perfect and we make mistakes. But firstly I want to recognize that I make mistakes and that I am not exempt from learning. Each experience will guide me with the honesty of what life has to offer, and I accept the tough lessons with grace.

If I’ve been abrasive to others, may they forgive me someday. I always act with what I think is the best course of action at the time, but I do make mistakes.



Now I understand why they say new beginnings come with the Death card. It’s because when you shed old connections and clean out the remnants of burnt bridges, you become lighter. With those connections no longer slowing down your progress, you are free to continue exploring what lies on the other end of loss. Even though your spirit is broken from the notion of having let go, a sense of hope creeps up on you when you start taking the first few steps forward. A measure of progress will be according to whether or not you try looking back at what there was before the loss. Once you are accepting, you’ve found liberation from your pain. Once it’s over, you become tender again and reborn to a new life of possibilities.

After writing this post, I feel so much better. I don't get to talk about my musings often, simply because they can be abstract and hard to place in words. The best epiphanies come in quiet contemplation with the self.

Death illustration compliments of visionary artist Dave McKean. Ouija board compliments of Parker Brothers.
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SILENCE AND CARDS

Lately I want to sweep my hand across the desk and push out all my cards, books and journals. So much noise! I can’t concentrate. I want only silence and cards. No more noise and no more clutter!

It’s a delight to be able to have a space dedicated entirely to musings, as it is often conductive to creativity and inspiration. It is in such spaces that my favorite ideas have blossomed, and this blog happened to start with one of those ideas. Throughout the years I have accumulated goals that currently sleep in my sketchbooks, waiting for their day to be made manifest into the world, and touching the lives of others.

Sometimes I have piles of pertinent books to my study on my desk, or perhaps journals and day planners with post-its of endless to-do lists. I’m very susceptible to how loaded or not household objects get, since I’m well versed in the practical use of psychometry. Having so many things jiving at my work space makes for more stress and distraction than I’d like. It also gets really noisy in my head, I can feel all the things I’ve told myself I’ve yet to do. When you’re trying to focus, picking up on these nuances can be quite distracting.

I’ve been in need of a change for a while, but I really didn’t realize it. Along the same time the full moon in Scorpio was in effect, those issues started surfacing. I was living with a room mate that intended to act as if he lived alone, while living with me. It’s been a gradual process, but we both outgrew the situation and I got really tired of having to tip toe around my own living room. I was paying half of the rent and kitchen and music hours were restricted, then I was being made to feel as if I was crashing on the couch. Finally, I realized I was cleaning his girlfriend’s dirty dishes and juice glasses week after week. I hadn’t been able to use my park spot several weekends in a row. Finally, it all came to the point where I wasn’t willing to put up with it anymore. I talked to him about it, but found myself feeling like the space around me wasn’t welcoming anymore.. I’ve been taking all of this, and on top of that I get yelled at? Nope!

I applied for a one bedroom, got approved and put in my thirty days notice.

Freedom.





Throughout this entire process, I’ve been going inwards. Reflecting, pulling cards feverishly, talking myself out of feeling inadequate for having found myself in this situation. It made me feel grateful to have so many tools lying around in drawers, ready to use and to reflect on.

Today I pledge to switch out the piles for candles and crystals when I move into my new apartment. I want my work space to be a sacred space for inspiration and meditation, rather than a terminal for transient energies.

I’m going to start by finding another cabinet to put all of my decks in, so as to keep them safely houses and give myself another surface to set up an altar on. I want the room I spend my time in to be conductive to concentration: silence and cards. An occasional cup of tea as well.

I get my keys in a few days. Cheers to silence, and cards.




If you want to share photos of your tarot reading work spaces, I’d love to see! We all live in such different places, that seeing where the magic happens is truly pretty inspiring.
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GREENWOOD TAROT REVIEW

Lately I yearn for something outside of my usual comfort zone. I need to be free, and I would love to roam through the wild woods to find myself. As there is a huge following for the Wild Unknown and the Greenwood, there are others out there who also understand the importance of seeking solace in the wild greens of a forest. Communing with nature is a grounding experience and brings us back to ourselves. I’ve always been a city girl.

In city life, I tend to enjoy the lights and the treats of working hard to have a quality lifestyle. I have to say, though, I miss the greens I so often saw in Puerto Rico. It has lush forests in the mountains that are ideal for Shamanism practice. It is in the mountains of Utuado that I had my first ayahuasca experience, which I think I will share with you all very soon. It is very personal.

When I first encountered this tarot deck, I didn’t resonate with it at all. In fact I made fun of it on the AT forums with enough frequency to make my aversion to it public. I felt the artwork was ugly, and I felt that it was too rudimentary to really connect us to what we needed to know. I admit I was wrong, because I simply wasn’t letting the deck speak to me. It isn’t until now, years after digesting and ruminating on my salvia divinorum and ayahuasca experience that I really get it. Even then, I may never really get it.

Shamanism is an ancient art that connects us to the Earth in body and in spirit. It is a practice that is beyond what I’ve been able to comprehend in my 26 years of life, but it is still very much alive in those that choose to honor it still. The practice honors the bond between man and nature, seeking to heal him of his ailments with natural medicine, song and tools that are used by those who have devoted their lives to its study. They are healers, and they are the voice of generations past. It is fascinating to me that still today, we have access to such an ancient song that can move us and take us to another place.



Now that I am finally ready to listen to nature’s song, I hope I will be able to tap into new insights. It's going to take me some time to understand the manner in which these cards speak, because they aren't structured as a traditional tarot deck. The sequential order is different from RWS tradition and it's an entirely different way of thinking to process. The cards are large and sturdy, and big enough to facilitate meditation and projecting into them. I love that about them and look forward to trying Tarot Dreams out with them. I never thought I'd get the chance to!

I dream of days ahead in which I’m sitting in the garden, a light breeze is blowing and the contents of my tea cup are perfect. I will shuffle these cards in my hands and reflect back to a time in which I was freed from my physical body and roaming amongst the beings from other planes of existence, happy and free. And so it may be.

“Still round the corner there may wait
A new road or a secret gate
And though I oft have passed them by
A day will come at last when I
Shall take the hidden paths that run
West of the Moon, East of the Sun."— JRR Tolkien


♡ What is your most important characteristic?
Nine of Stones. Tradition. Here we will be gathering our wisdom the way it used to be done, through a sacred circle ground and according to the cycles of the moon. Through your intuition you will be connecting back to the past, while your body remains in the current state it is in. You will wander lands of mystery, yet to be discovered by your psyche. Prepare for a long journey of rituals and self-discovery.

♡ What are your strengths as a tarot deck?
Six of Cups. Reunion. I will reunite you with your old self, lost knowledge and a wise part that you may not yet be connected to. Here, you can find peace while the outside world continues to spin and so the cycles of life remain perfect. All is as it should be, but here you will be embraced. Here you can find solace in nature’s teachings.

♡ What are your limits?
The Shaman. True and powerful healing comes from a shaman, who uses the elements to heal. He is a teacher and a real practitioner, and for healing and knowledge it is bed tot go to them. Also, it is a sign to follow your own guiding light. You are the healer of your own life, and responsible for those around you. Bear that responsibility with integrity.



♡ What are you here to teach me?
Death. Of course… my life lesson. Letting go of the material belongings, stripped of all life and anything that has been added over the years. You will be taught, you will be an oracle and you will find truth that will change you forever. Nothing to conceal you from the change that is coming.

♡ How can I best learn to collaborate with you?
Justice. Embracing your natural birthright and zodiac of Libra. You stand guarding something precious, and should decide when it is to be treasure and when it is to be a tool. You will have to learn when to strike and when to stand at attention. Using natural teachings to protect yourself.

♡ What is the potential outcome of our working relationship?
Knight of Wands. Fox. Quick adaptation in order to survive. Learn to move amongst the wild ones, learn the tools used by shamans and learn to survive. There will be new tricks coming up your sleeve, but you must trust your sense of intuition and communion with spirit.



♡ Which card do you want to show off?
Nine of Wands. Respect. I stand as a challenge to see if you really want to learn the ways. You will have to undergo a transformation in order to really value these sacred teachings. If you want to enter, I will lead the way once things are clear. You will need to respect my traditions.

♡ How do you see me?
Page of Wands. Stoat. Very energetic,very hyper. You tackle big projects and undergo transformations according to the psychic weather. With your enthusiasm, you will still have much to learn.

I nearly flipped. Flipped! A meditation I did years ago in which I found myself in contact with my totem animal for the very first time ended up being a stoat. I remember it coming out a the pond to greet me in my vision, and it was as lively and playful as one would imagine enchanted forest folk to be. It made me smile to get this confirmation, it’s very inspiring.

♡ How do you see yourself?
Ace of Wands. Spark of Life. I am a tool for magic and inspiration, bringing into physical manifestation that which is first consciously evoked. I can help spring energy into action, so that life may continue to go on. I am a positive energy in your life, to use as a tool to heal yourself and others.



These messages are very deep and took me a while to decode. The messages don’t become apparent to me at first, and I need to spend time projecting into the card and interacting with the illustrations in order to get the right messages from it. I can tell it’s an advanced deck to use from my very first interactions with it, but feel that the illustrations lend themselves to picture stories and interactions.

I’ve got a backup on its way to me to use freely and without regrets. To ensure its use, I got a copy with a dented card. Now that it is no longer a perfect deck, I will have no reserves in using it.

It took me a very long time to really understand what this deck is about, but I hope to share stories with you in the future. For now, into the woods of intuition we go!

I ended up filming a video review of the Greenwood Tarot as well, in case you'd like to check it out.
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