The end of year always seems to sneak up. From the 31st of October forward, time speeds up and you end up at the close of the year before you know it. So much to do still! The crunch time is real. But we're up for it and so we're diving in straight away!

I hope you've all enjoyed winding down the year. Thank you for accompanying me and making 2018 a year truly worth living. Your supports, comments, smiles, memories made all stay with me because that's where I find life's true value. All of these moments are my treasures and I will keep them with gratitude burning in my heart. I had the pleasure of crossing paths with many souls I cared about, and thanks to them I have found my own identity and purpose reaffirmed in my weakest moments. Friends and supporters deserve a special place in our hearts.

This year I turned 30, so I stand at the door of the next decade of my life. Like last year I don’t really know what to anticipate, but I’m going into it with high hopes, an open heart and an open mind. I’m really hoping to start getting back in touch with my friends next year. I’m also hoping to get to make a finished paper cut-out piece to hang in my living room. The to-do list never seems to slow down, it only ever keeps on growing.

There were a ton of highlights and photos taken this year, so this year we’re going to do something a little different than in previous years. We’re going to focus on the positive. There was a ton of positivity laced with new experiences even if my main focus was at times derailed.

+ We formalized our relationship on the first day of the year
+ I got collared
+ Saw Marilyn Manson in concert (but was too faded to remember it!)
+ Saw Excision’s The Paradox tour


+ I started drawing again
+ Endless Night Vampire Ball
+ Mr Leelahel took me to Disneyland!
+ Silvia hosted a dinner party


+ Datsik's Ninja Nation tour
+ Met Riot Ten
+ Dating Mr Leelahel
+ Mark Hamill's Hollywood star ceremony
+ Dinner with Silvia
+ Space Yacht


+ Playing Pokémon Go
+ Santa Monica Pier date
+ Lollivamp's birthday party
+ I read tarot for Sailor Neptune's voice actress
+ La Brea Tar Pits date
+ Silvia’s place
+ Depeche Mode brunch
+ Dion Timmer 420 show with rare Excision b2b
+ The Avengers (ūüíú Dr Strange ūüíú)
+ Slushii
+ Silvia visits


+ Das Bunker: Star Wars night
+ La Brea Tar Pits pokéhunting
+ Cloak & Dagger
+ IAMX concert
+ Puerto Rico tip
+ Charmander community day
+ Kambo
- Seascape wedding trip
+ Mr Leelahel worked at my place
+ Visiting Silvia+ Started therapy

+ Mr Leelahel's birthday
+ Silvia & Alex’s
+ Made up with Crystal
+ The Grove pokéhunting
+ Therapy


+ Brunch date
+ Therapy
+ Squirrel Squad community day
+ Julia’s birthday at Dave N’ Buster’s
+ Day drinking
+ Puerto Rico

+ Playing dominoes with Grandpa
+ Grandpa’s 90th birthday celebration
+ Making up for lost time
+ Lonzo’s with Silvia for her birthday
+ Getting real domestic
+ Ho-Oh raids
+ Meeting Silvia
+ Therapy

+ Special outing+ Tar Pits and card shop date
+ Meeting Silvia
+ Frost arrived
+ Palm Springs trip
+ The Midnight
+ Subtronics & BTSM
+ Therapy

+ Deoxys raid
+ Mom visits+ Positive first week
+ The Haunting of Hill House
+ 30th birthday
- Bickering
+ Cloak & Dagger birthday celebration
+ Cloak & Dagger Halloween celebration
+ Knott's Scary Farm
+ Therapy


+ Celebrating 10 months together over a romantic dinner
+ Magic: the Gathering
+ Community day
+ Breakroom 86
+ Teemo found
+ Topanga Canyon cottage house romance
+ Thanksgiving dinner
+ Inn of the Seventh Ray
+ Bought us customized promise rings
+ Therapy


+ Mercy Kill
- Missed the Yule celebration
+ San Diego trip
- Puerto Rico trip

--- Grandpa fell into sickbed and it tore my heart to shreds

sucked. Between May and December I don’t know which month was more difficult—That’s a lie, actually. December felt like a trap. I hated it.
 Grandfather represents one of the pillars of my upbringing and spent every day from me since I was a toddler until I went off to college. His condition ruined everybody's end of year in my family. I've been absolutely inconsolable since it started happening. Weeks before it happened I started having suggestive dreams and finding black moths outside my apartment. It all clicked when Mr Leelahel started dreaming about weddings and funerals. Twice.

(A) Stressful.
(B) Maturing.
(C) Romantic.


Marilyn Manson, DJ Amazonica, The Midnight x 2, Riot Ten x 2, Excision x 2, Subtronics x 2, Yakz, Barely Alive, Monxx, Dion Timmer x 2, Dubloadz, Cookie Monsta, Phase One, Sullivan King, Zomboy, Virtual Riot, Slushii, and Black Tiger Sex Machine.

I purchased two tickets to see Tr/st play and didn’t make it to either show, unfortunately.

(A) Romance in the Topanga Canyon. The clean mountain air did me so well, and I slept better in the quiet than I remember having slept in months. I fell in love all over again and started seeing life differently during this trip.
(B) The confession that we loved each other for the first time. ♡♡
(C) Playing Magic: the Gathering Arena. It’s my favorite stress relief lately. I'm hoping to start making custom decks with dinosaurs in them once I get the hang of more advanced rank play. So far I like white and black decks, white and blue decks, and white and green decks.


November. This was the month I felt change settle, and all my attempts started yielding productive results. It redeemed me of my stress and the sadness I have fruitlessly been dragging. November was by far my most optimistic month in 2018.

Our Cottage in the Canyon adventure illustrates the very surface of the most humbling gift of love I've ever been given. I don't know that it can be topped by any other life experience.

To be honest I had many really great moments in 2018, but as I said earlier in this post much of the year got obscured in the shadow of my problems I’ve been trying to solve. I think this last year’s highlight timeline stands as proof of how eventful and meaningful 2018 has been for me.


Chris. The incoming train I didn't see coming. Chris feels like home. He holds a safe space for me wherever we go. I love the little details of our relationship, nuances in our vocabulary we reserve for each other. My newest travel partner, and one that pushes me to try new experiences with a mischievous smile. He has rewarded me with some of my favorite moments this year, from quiet moments burning incense in his room to slumber parties and theme parks. We have things are are just ours, such as playing Pokémon Go at the club, or our many dates to go on raids and to enjoy community day.

He's the trickster that infuriates me and yet leaves me still wanting to kiss him afterwards. When I look at him I feel overcome by feelings of admiration and the responsibility to protect our union. I'm grateful he's by my side and I can't wait to put a promise ring on him tonight.

Silvia. This Italian beauty has earned my love time and time again, mentoring me in my worst moments and teaching me about life from her experience. She has had an intense life but a beautiful one also, and every day she walks this Earth is a day I feel privileged to call her my friend. Our favorite outings are dance nights and brunches. I admire her like a little sister looks up to an older sister. If there's anything she could ever need, I'd be there for her in a heartbeat. Silvia reminds me of the evanescence of life, and how important it is to just be in the moment. She's such a boss lady!


I met John the very first month I lived in Los Angeles. Our friendship has blossomed slowly, but every time I see him I end up throwing my arms around him and embracing him. He's a generous and sweet, classy man. I love him more than he knows. He throws the biggest goth parties in Los Angeles, my favorite being Star Wars Night, and introduced me to my beloved community, Cloak & Dagger. Aside from that we share the same tastes for popular culture and music, and find ourselves bonding over media whenever we meet.

Frost & Teemo: This year I made the decision to go off the radar socially. Much of this year was spent as a ghost, or more accurately as the third house cat. I spent a lot of time giving love to Teemo and Frost, who are both fun to be around until it's time to go to bed.

David. Mr Le Rouge was a wonderful friend to me this year. We exchanged innermost thoughts and insight about life and the way people life. About a life lived as a spiritual worker with all the private challenges that brings. About the achievement of being able to blend your spiritual practices into your personal life without making it a spectable everybody finds out about. Thank you David!


No! This is the first year I don’t have my sights set to travel anywhere new. I think my focus will be on traveling to Puerto Rico to spend time with my family in their time of need.

I'll go anywhere Mr Leelahel asks me to go, though. Now, if I could only drag him to Lost Lands...


Undefended Love. My friend Silvia gifted me this book early in 2018 and I ended up having many open moments scribbling thoughts into the margins of the pages.



There’s quite a bit I’m excited about coming up…

I’m looking forward to getting back into gaming. Mr Leelahel has inspired me to pick up the Pok√©mon trading card game, Magic: The Gathering and MTG Arena, Star Wars Destiny, Overwatch, Smash Bros, Mario Kart 8 Deluxe, and other 3DS or console games. He also very generously gifted me his pc computer to get started playing games not accessible to the Mac operating system. Gaming has helped me learn to distract myself and relax. Where I had limited myself to various Fire Emblem games on my 3DS for the past 5 years, I find taking it more seriously has brought me a lot of joy. It is a major black hole for time, though, and I sadly can’t devote more than two hours to it a night.

I’m looking forward to finally getting my driver’s license handled because that will most assuredly cement my identity as a Los† Angelene. LA is home now, and I couldn’t see myself anywhere else other than with Mr Leelahel and the cats. They’re my family away from home and I probably love them too much.

I’m looking forward to spend more time in the kitchen. Learning to become proficient with your cooking takes trials and errors and can sometimes feel like a huge drain of energy, but I really love cooking and I love sharing meals with people I care about. I am hoping to spend some time learning to make grandmother style meals from scratch. Yes!

More than anything, I am hoping to live a healthier life. My psyche has taken a ton of beatings for as long as I can remember. My top priority for next year is to learn to coexist peacefully, and most importantly to learn to relax. I want to be as lighthearted as the people surrounding me know to be. For me it’s an uphill climb and a very serious challenge, as it is just not natural to me.


It’s amazing how a little bit of fresh mountain air cleared my mind of heavy thoughts. I have been changing my perspective on life lately, feeling more optimistic about the future in general.

This year I realized I dragged stress, living and breathing in mindsets that kept me with a short fuse and low tolerance for anything other than what would help me keep moving forward. It took going to therapy and spending time in a really relaxed household situation to open my eyes to how stressful my life was for me and the people closest to me. This month was emotionally brutal and I have felt myself regressing, but I am reminding myself that if anybody needs to give compassion, it is me towards myself. I am the first to resort to self-loathing and belittling jokes to lighten the mood, but the truth is I’ve been struggling to keep the consistency. I’ve also been struggling to keep it positive despite all the amazing experiences I was blessed with this year.

Therapy was immensely productive because it helped me learn from my past mistakes and gave me tools to have more productive relationships. Ever since the realization came to me I started investing effort in learning how to relax as well as getting organized and managing my time more effectively. It was a great lesson for somebody who didn’t realize adulthood had long settled. I often compare myself to kids in their parents shoes, but this year I realized I’m in already immersed in adulthood. It really sobered me up to start working towards all the important tasks I procrastinated on while I was more focused on my survival than on what I needed to get done to live as a thriving adult.

Now I don’t know what to expect and I’d be lying if I told you I’m not scared of the staggering to-do lists of things I need to catch up on, but at the same time I am so relieved to have left those dark chapters behind me. I have finally been able to gain control of a depression that crippled me to the point of feeling suicidal. I give thanks for having left all of that behind.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully get over the burn and the embarrassment of everything that transpired from my early childhood until 2017, but I broke the cycle and I am living a much healthier life now.

This year I learned I can be just as happy, if not more happy without the need for a decadent and seductive underground party. I don't need to sedate myself from feeling normal emotions and experiencing life through open and clear eyes. I don't need to be keeping secrets. I don't need to be dismissive of people who don't like or understand my lifestyle. I found a lot of joy in day-to-day domesticity, flanked by some very loving people.

Wherever you ring in 2019, be safe and have fun! Thank you if you've made it this far, this might be my most lengthy entry yet. I hadn't realized how much I actually got done with all the time I spent inside the trenches of my mind. 2018 was a really great year after all!

Let’s cherish our lives together and take nothing for granted.