28 spins around the sun, and feeling pretty fabulous. I have had ample time to think about what it means right now when going up a number. This may have just been the most difficult year of my life, I had to learn how to sustain myself emotionally. I’ve always had a very strong sense of self-assurance and healthy self-esteem, but the past 2-3 years of my life have challenged that healthy mindset many times. I finally broke down in the summer, and the entire stretch of those hot months turned into my own personal Hell. I am so glad I survived those difficult moments. Somehow, I did it.

My life is entirely different and so are some of my perspectives. So many bridges have been burnt as if by hellfire, and the result of that is an unforeseen liberation the likes of which I never imagined I'd experience. I can tell you with full confidence that I feel as if I've left my adolescence behind completely, and resonate with the identity of a full grown adult. I understand now what you have to go through in order to lose some of that zest for life that kids make so infectious. I used to be a source of rays of sunshine. Some people have told me I am one of the happiest people they've met, but that they have since noticed me come of age. It's not easy to hear people tell you that you don't seem happy anymore.

I can tell you that even though I don't laugh as often anymore, I have a more profound appreciation for life. The moments with the most light are the ones I cherish the most, and I am making conscious efforts to be present in the life of my family members that are left. Our numbers keep lessening by the years, but the ones that are left are committed to keep a warm and loving nucleus. I reconciled with both my aunt and my cousin, and we are all in process of weaving each others presence back into our lives. I never thought I'd see the day. It's so surreal!

Right now life is starting to get its color back. I am swelling with gratitude for that fact. My family has been there to embrace me through the most difficult days. I am still very lonely, but I feel like right now loneliness is beneficial. I am working on growing more comfortable with long periods without human contact. It’s not always easy, but hey, life’s not perfect.

Another thing on my list of priorities right now is getting back into a more creative mindset. I invest so much of myself in my work that I have drained myself. Back in the day I’d finish three sketchbooks a year. Now I am lucky if I finish one every three years. All of my attempts to tune into my creativity have gone into blogging, and yet this blog has been struggling to keep up lately. If I get two entries in a month, that’s active. This absolutely needs to change, I know that creative expression is the healthiest way for me to vent and to fuel my life with purpose. In all honesty, the silence has been a necessity. It is easy to get burnt out when you try to move forward with all the weight of past problems on your back. At some point, you just crash.

Work with cards is definitely the main purpose of my life right now. Over the past few years I have had the pleasure and privilege to hone my skills. My psychic work has really taken of and has graced my life with some amazing opportunities. I’m so grateful!

What else?

I retired all of my jewelry from the past few years; in time I might trash it. With luck, yesterday I stumbled upon a blogger I have followed since Livejournal days who became a really amazing jeweler. I saw her post about it on Twitter, and I immediately connected to the piece. I said to myself, “that’s the one!”. The rest is history. I begin to save up for it next month, and my goal month to purchase it is by May. The ring is done by Morphe Jewelry.

To replace my moonstone necklace, I bought a stainless steel collar with rainbow Swarovski crystals. I am thinking of having a custom collar made in rose gold sometime in the future. Fingers crossed.

For the last month I have been worried about whether or not I’ve learned enough during my 20s. I definitely learned that  it’s time to put a stop to impulsive reactions. I will also continue to work on my happiness, and in living a life with intention and meaning. The rest will be bonus.

I hope you will forgive me if you have felt like some of the posts lately have had dark undertones, or darker than the usual. I have already told you that I have been undergoing different forms of trauma, but thankfully now it is subsiding and I feel like I can breathe again. I am looking forward to a change in image and perhaps in identity. My online platforms don't quite feel like they fit me now that I've grown out of them. I am enjoying some great events, like concerts and signings. Recently I met the entire Opeth band, which was very polite and even warm. I got to see IAMX play again, as well as Opeth on the 20th. Today Blaqk Audio is playing, on the 23rd.

To celebrate, Mom and I are headed to Paris, France for a couple of weeks. I'm so excited! We get to live our Dita Von Teese fantasy, staying in a hotel near the Eiffel Tower. I am packing most of my Wheels and Dollbaby outfits to head out there, sample some champagne and burning through as many museums as our feet can carry us through. I will be going to Versailles and hopefully having my photo taken there. It is home to my favorite piece of history, and the artistic time period that turns my eyes into hearts: the Rococó. I get to walk down the hall of mirrors again! Hopefully this time I will get to stroll through those magical gardens...

Hoping this next trip will inspire some new posts as well. I've made list upon list to entertain new content, but they all flop. I'm not sure if people are still reading my reviews even though blog hits roll in on the daily. How many decks can you review before people get bored? In all honesty, I just haven't been inspired. I don't want to put content up just to bore you.

On the 31st of this month, Samhain Moon is turning 6!!! I am so happy that its been going this long! And to think it started under completely different life circumstances. The growth has been quite an experience. This place houses my fondest memories and some really deep life lessons.

Lately I am working on the resolutions for 2017, which will push for creative expression and new skills to practice. It is exciting to think that there are new adventures around the corner with promise for the future. After some time spend letting life sort itself out, it feels safe to take the wheel again. It's time to break away from this routine that has not served for much other than giving me the time to heal. I feel I am getting my strength back already, so with that comes the confidence to take a few steps forward. And the rest is history.

I would like to take a moment to thank all of you that have stuck around. The support that has been extended has saved me from spiraling into a dark place. I don't know where I would be without all of you reaching out, sending love and reminding me that it gets better. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your support.

Leaving you with something I wrote months ago in my journal. While I don't feel this intense anymore, I figured it would be cool to share.
Dear Diary,

My heart shattered into a million pieces. The shards became notes unsung, sentiments not shared to move and be moved by. Screams, wails unheard by the ears they are meant for. I am incarcerated by the guilt and the judgment of others over my actions, bound by a desire to cleanse my soul of sin. In my heart I have never once intended to become the product of resentment left to stir for too long. I am bound by a past I will never be able to remedy, and trying to free myself from chains of judgment of others. I am not the same anymore.

I am called to seek redemption. The path remains unclear in that this journey cannot include others. Those doors have shut. Rearranging life to navigate through smoother waters in the hopes of nurturing the self is a challenge when you can’t turn away from your mistakes. Sometimes they look you back in the face, with eyes and a face of their own, and an identity to follow. Embodied by years of unspoken words and important decisions not shared with you.

And yet, and yet. My soul yearns to cleanse itself, and the only way forward is by finding the lost notes of feelings no longer moving me. To try to put them together will be like finding the missing puzzle pieces, knowing they are scattered or even lost in unreachable places. When doors close and night has fallen, the stars are the only witnesses to what happens when a lost soul seeks a warm light, a path to safety, or a downward spiral to self destruction.

My heart yearns to unburden itself and to lighten, but my experience tells me there are still more obstacles ahead. I wish only to find inner peace so that I may be happy again. To seek redemption that seems impossible to finally be at peace with myself. The self, the id, the only thing we’ve really got in our lives. I treated mine irresponsibly, and for a while I had to learn how to love myself again.

Hope you like it.


Photo compliments of Anabel DFlux.
On October 13th, I rolled up to The Regent Theater to see IAMX perform live. I have been to a VIP dinner party to meet them before, as well to a previous concert at Complex. But I wouldn't have missed the opportunity to see them live again if I could help it. During their Metanoia tour, I happened to be back home so I had missed the show.

I was so excited when they came out. They had some sound problems, but the energy was so great throughout the entire show. Chris, Janine and Sammi really rocked it. They really left their souls on the stage, and the crowd loved them for it. Towards the end of the concert, all these people climbed up on stage and group hugged the band. It was a very nice moment, full of love. Very different from the crowd, though. People got territorial towards each other and had no problem pushing or shoving.

I wish I had my friends around to enjoy the experience with. I went on my own, but I still had the experience I came for: an experience with my favorite musicians, feeling the songs that have play listed my life played one after the other. I feel so grateful to live here, with the opportunities to see my favorite artists perform live. I've even had the chance to meet some of my idols, with clumsy conversations and at times with tears in my eyes.

Being moved by music turns into a spiritual experience. Any time I hear these songs that I am so in love with, I feel like they become a part of me. Or rather, I am woven into the life the song breathes, just as all the other fans of the band are. In being able to see past all the hype you can find a close community of souls touched by beautiful music.

At some point during the last five songs, Chris Corner took a dive for the crowd and landed on me. I was so stunned that I didn't know what to do for the first few seconds, so I helped him stay up and eventually pushed him on into the crowd. Later that night, I noticed some dark stains on my hands and arms. When I looked in the mirror, I realized that I had his body paint and glitter all over my face. I blushed so hard out of shock. All the people that I ran into after the show neglected to mention it.

Please enjoy my blurry cell phone photos. I really only put them up to commemorate the event. I was so close to the band, but more focused on having fun than on taking photos for memory keeping. Usually when I see live music, I stand still. This night I was jumping and dancing, and getting mystery make up on my face. My head was spinning from all the sensory overload and from the shock of seeing Chris incoming during his crowd surf. It stunned me. I walked out of the venue happy, took some time to talk to other friends that were there and went home to cold sheets and restful sleep. That night I felt so much gratitude for living a life of magic and advnture in Los Angeles.

I saw Opeth live last night and I am still absorbing how amazing that show was. Mikael and company really blew us all away.

Tomorrow is my birthday, and I'm too excited catching up on my responsibilities to think about celebrating. Next week I am bound for Paris, France!!


The Malpertuis Lenormand was illustrated and published by Neil Lovell. I have followed its progress closely since the start, but the deck has been out for a few years now and I had still not managed to save funds to set aside to be able to purchase it. Until now! I love it dearly, it is definitely beautiful and it reads really well. What I enjoy the most about it is that it makes my reading experience much more pleasant.

I am entitled to decks number 330 and 331. There is an extra card: The Happy Squirrel. I appreciate this joke whenever I see it in a deck. There are also extra Gentleman and Lady cards.

I love everything about these cards: matching unobtrusive borders, gorgeous illustrations and playing card inserts, and beautifully framed numbers. The backs match the Tyldwick Tarot backs, which makes this Lenormand a companion deck to the original tarot. The card stock is stiff semigloss with lightly gilded edges. The shuffle is somewhat crunchy, but the cards are also somewhat slippery. They won’t go gliding out of my hands and off the table, so I can appreciate that.

I love that the symbols are in their natural surroundings. I love the artistic depiction suggesting the cards echo to vintage or antique quality. There is something very special about this deck that captivates me. I have found myself keeping it on my work desk and thumbing through it regularly just to admire it. This isn’t something I do very frequently, since I prefer to get to know my cards as I use them to read. With these, though, the dynamic is different. I am drawn into them and I like to imagine what would happen next in this scene.

This deck makes me think about the transition from summer to autumn in the Netherlands. It evokes the nostalgia of days long past, and there is a romantic quality in the cards that I can’t seem to want to free myself from. Few things bring me more satisfaction than being entranced by a beautiful deck of cards.

What is your most important characteristic?
Stars. You connect cards into messages like connect the dots. It all adds up in a step by step way and reads as one. When you look at it all laid out, it starts to make more sense for you and you can trace connections from one subject to another. (Referencing the Grand Tableau.)

What are your strengths as a Lenormand deck?
Child. Interest in this cartomantic technique is new. The field is not saturated, which means there is room to grow. Spending enough time with this method could help you mature new techniques of reading. You don’t just have to knight them or criss cross; you can also try other ways to interpret the patterns woven in the spread.

What are your limits?
Key. You can get ahead where there is opportunity, but there are some doors your key won’t fit into. Lenormand isn’t appropriate for every type of reading you wish to carry out, but it can be great for relevant avenues of exploration.

What are you here to teach me?
The Happy Squirrel. This deck has humor! And it’s reminding us of just that. It’s okay to have fun with your card reading. Try new things even if you have to have a margin for error. That’s how you learn, by taking risks.

How can I best learn to collaborate with you?
Letter. Read back through older interactions to understand how you have gotten to this point. A reading is an exchange between the reader and the cards, and then the reader and the querent.

What is the potential outcome of our working relationship?
Paths. You can make your own choices based off what you end up finding in your readings with these cards.

Which card do you want to show off?
Mountain. Strength that is unshakeable and often passes the test of time. This deck states it is robust and strong, and no matter how strong the winds, it won't be flimsy in any sense. There is a great sense of inner strength in this!

How do you see me?
Cross. The one who carries the burdens of others, while still dealing with their own burdens. Heavy hitter...

How do you see yourself?
Clouds. Parting the confusion with clarity. Terse!

I really look forward to use this, both personally and for work. These grainy, nostalgic cards evoke such strong feelings in me. I strongly recommend them. Would you like to purchase a copy?


Last night was the new moon in my sign, and I lit a rainbow candle to celebrate. I also had a very intense cleansing bath, and I cleaned up my spiritual work tools. It was a great night, and for me the start of my new year. A new beginning! I am so excited!

The past year has equated to total burnout. How is this possible? I worked so hard to get to where I was, but when life has its surprises in store, there’s really not much else that can be done about the discomfort. Sometimes we just have to comply, and that is exactly what I have been doing.

This past year I avoided a smothering depression by what feels like luck or divine intervention. I’ve had so many moments in which I felt myself about to snap, and sometimes I think I even snapped for a few seconds before I was able to feel the self control that reason sustains. It’s easy to lose yourself when emotions run so high that they blind you. Feeling something that stirs deeply in you can really alter your perception and how you carry out your life.

I’ve always considered myself to be a progressive person. It was really hard for me when I realized that I needed to lean on others for support because of the amount of stress I was dealing with. It’s not easy dealing with more than one trauma sustained in a short time period. People that I swore would always be there started to flake on me, and the pain that came from that became greater when I realized that people I thought were never going to be there for me stepped in to help. It was a really big eye opener in how much of myself I give, give, give constantly. I never expected anything back from those people I surrendered to, but their lack of support in the time I have most needed it in my life hurt me so much. I had to reassess everything about my life and the way I am living it.

So that brings us here. We’re kicking off a new Annual Review, and with it the hopes of finding solace. Cards have been there for me since the start of our relationship. When I don’t understand something, they help me see things from a new perspective. Today they shed some light for me on a new chapter in my life, and I am really looking forward to see what new beginnings feel like after such a strong upheaval in my life. I’m ready for Life 2.0!


October. The World.
It’s no joke when you feel like a whole new cycle is beginning. Before you can proceed, there is always a test. One last challenge to see whether or not you’re ready for the next stage of your life. Even when you fall out of the cycle and it feels like you are free-falling down an abyss, know that you’re not the first. Many others have braved this same path before you and have found themselves with familiar sentiments. It’s honestly all just protocol. You have to experience things in full, and that includes seeing cycles come to an end before new ones begin. Ask anyone around you; they’ve gone through the same thing in their own time!

November. Two of Swords.
I blanked when I drew this card. I’ve read it so many times before, but its message doesn’t make sense to me right away. I feel like being out of touch comes more as the inevitable, more so than something I am looking to do. Often times when we are on a different wave than that of others, we can feel misunderstood, or as if the message isn’t getting across quite right. This isn’t a month to make any big decisions or to confront anyone. Rather, it is a passive month. Sometimes silence is better for you.

December. Seven of Cups.
The year can wind down in a drunken stupor, trying to figure out how to fit dreams into plans of action. When you don’t feel confident about the unknown, you tip toe forward hesitantly, trying to go around obstacles rather than through and into them.

It’s true. I don’t feel very sure about what is coming, I feel destabilized. Some of my plans have changed, and so have my creative projects. I still need to spend some time with myself to think about goals for the future to bring clarity to my confusion.

January. Six of Swords.
This card tapped me into a sense of time. New beginnings can be very slow, however they can also be eye-opening. Even if the confidence isn’t there, we keep moving forward. That’s something we are required to do while we live on this Earth to survive. So move forward I will, into a new me and into a new year. Just at a more steady pace.

February. King of Cups.
The card rings strongly of a person, but who will it be? This mystery man is a leader with strong, unyielding character and a benevolent heart. An unshakeable personality and mind, often translating to a stubborn one. Who could it be? C? H? Somebody new coming into my life? We’ll just have to see.

In terms of the self, it may have something to do with settling down or moving into a new house, rather than staying in an apartment.

March. The Chariot.
Once more, things are in motion. A turning point in life can make you decide between your logic and your heart, all while you are also dealing with the madness of real life all around. Sometimes we don’t get the time that we need and we are forced to rush forward with the strength of somebody who has the assurance that we don’t. It can get confusing, but we trust that our choices are final when we make them and that is what makes us assertive as people.

April. Knight of Coins.
In where March is full of movement and adventure, here we have something very different instead. We are forced to slow down and take it steady, which is definitely not one of my strong points. I am used to being on the go and moving forward. Constantly changing, like a nomadic gypsy. Ever trusting the cosmos to sustain my decisions. This month, what is most guaranteed is the need to take things slow. Pause, think, then act eventually.

May. Three of Cups.
How do you juggle your social life, close connections and your personal adventures that no one else gets to hear about? Does anybody know how to keep things in balance and discrete, but still fun and lighthearted? In life it feels like we are constantly juggling people — lovers, clients, debt collectors, family, friends, the self. This is a good month to keep things in harmony and to enjoy life. Celebrate every chance you get!

June. The Fool.
Embrace new beginnings. The start of summer is a good time to have an adventure on your own. Say yes to new experiences that help you see life in a new way. Take the risk, buy that amazing Wheels and Dollbaby outfit you’ve been oggling at for days. You owe it to yourself to make your life feel like there is something new waiting around the corner, each time.

July. King of Wands.
Stripped of its personal qualities, this card can show an impulsive nature that thrives on the idea of irresponsible yet passionate adventures. Having fun just for the enjoyment, and not necessarily because it’s what you need to do.

August. Ace of Coins.
A new gift or opportunity can manifest. Often times the increments are of a small scale, but impact our lives in a way that can be meaningful. Life has something new to offer in this month, and it will be interesting to found out what it is. Whatever new venture comes, I am ready for it.

September. Ace of Wands.
Fancy that! Coincidental and yet so interesting. Another Ace, another beginning. This brings passion into play, whether be temperamental or romantic. It brings the fire of creativity and of self-assurance. I am ready to tackle whatever obstacle comes my way, and it with any new experience available.

Clarifier. Two of Wands.
This year is based around choosing. Choosing one option over the other, but only when the time calls for it. Don’t jump the gun, don’t rush into anything now that you’re free of troubles. Lay low and try to go your own way. If someone or something tries to slow you down, have a preemptive mindset that will help you prepare to act quickly if the need comes.

Would you like one of these readings done entirely for you? Please visit my Etsy shop to book your reading! I'd love to read for you.