What a day what a week, what a year! Winding it down in my motherland has been nice. This year I am spending New Year’s Eve in the states for the first time since I moved. Something new, I guess. Making a new tradition? Well, I like old traditions best, but new traditions have to become old somehow. Enter Fuck 2016 party at The Monte Cristo. This club houses my fondest memories goth clubbing here, and is a place I have always wanted to attend a ball at or a New Year's Eve.

I’ve been taking care of my Grandfather in the afternoon, thinking back to the days of my upbringing. I have also been taking a look at my collection of journals kept over the years. When you chronicle your life and you look back, you can find understanding in your own tendency to make decisions. After the hardest of times I usually come out of it understanding myself better. I progress the most when I am honest with myself. Letting go was always the hardest thing for me, and yet in the conversations I’ve been having with myself for the past couple of months in my journal, it's a concept I am beginning to grasp with much more confidence. I never liked letting go, and now I understand why they say you need to in order to move on. You hear it and you hear it but it won’t make perfect sense until you can actually start to envision it properly. You have to see it to understand it, and that’s where I am currently at. I've felt much stronger.

Letting go isn’t easy for me still, but I definitely see changes in myself. I am going to make my friendships less of a priority, and instead I am choosing to prioritize myself and my mental health as well as my feelings. I’m just going to walk my path and focus. Onwards.

Everyone seems shaken with the events of the year. 2016 would count as Major Arcana #16: The Tower. It makes sense, though. Doesn't it? This year many people had the Earth taken out beneath their feet. I read many a status and tweet about struggles that seemed impossible to get through, followed by resolution after resolution to stay afloat. Even if we got through with a few scrapes and gashes, we're making it through. That's certainly something to be grateful for. A toast to you all!

+ Sexorcism at Club Caldera del Infierno
+ Family brunch
+ Return to LA
+ Hollywood tourism

+ Seabound concert
- Got hacked. Changed my phone number
+ Got back into the habit of reading books
+ Respect Thursdays DNB
+ Improving my friendship with Rose
+ Broke my records at work

+ Started my edibles habit to calm anxiety
+ Mode:M
+ Loreena McKennitt concert
+ Yanni concert

+ Telefon Tel Aviv concert
+ Dita Von Teese starring in Strip, Strip, Hurray!
+ Court of Angels
+ Trip to Puerto Rico

+ Two new design clients!
+ Mending broken connections with people
- My sister’s husband committed suicide (It was madness.)

+ Hosted Miriam at my apartment
+ My very first Ifa reading
+ Mode:M

Might as well erase this month from the calendar. Some days I didn't know how to cope with being myself.

+ Pokemon Go at Old San Juan
+ Met Nati & Elvin for margaritas
+ Catching Pokemon at Santa Monica Pier
+Met up with Charli, Mari and Jenn

+ Carved Souls concert
+ Mode:M
+ Bar Sinister Vampire Salon
+ Met my old college friend Fernando for ramen
+ Met Opeth band, which I love madly since high school

+ Met Rose in person
+ IAMX concert
+ Birthday at The Getty
+ Opeth concert

- Elections
+++ Trip to Paris, France
+ Dinner with Alessandra
+ Pokemon Moon came out
+ Social Repose concert / met Richie Giese

+ Reading for Father Sebastiaan
+ Bar Sinister
+ Trip to Puerto Rico
+ Spent time with Grandpa
+ Margaritas with Elvin and Nati
+ Mom’s birthday
+ Caught up with La Gitana Patricia after four years

(A) Pain.
(B) Shock.
(C) Trauma.

Loreena McKennitt, Yanni, Telefon Tel Aviv, Falling Skies x 2, Dita Von Teese, IAMX, Opeth, Social Repose. Missed Blaqk Audio and Depeche Boat despite having tickets.

(A) When Yanni played ‘One Man’s Dream’ in concert, I was so moved. I was always playing that song in repeat while I’d chat with my online friends from 1998-2004. It fueled my creativity and made my imagination run wild.
(B) When it dawned on me I had been walking around with Chris Corner’s body paint all over my face. As embarrassed as I was, it was cool to be that close to have contact.
(C) Meeting Social Repose. I gushed about it internally for days on end.

Special mention to being in Chateau de Versailles and fan-girling over the house of my favorite artistic period. I have always lamented not being an artist in the French court during the Rococó. Misplaced in time.

Another special mention goes to the Opium Den performance in Strip, Strip, Hooray! The end in which the cherry blossom flowers fell was romantic, erotic perfection.

Tough! I think it was November. The trip to France was the highlight of my year. I had so much fun! I believe the most impressive moment of the trip was sitting before the real crown of thorns. I wish I could have basked in its presence longer. What a privilege!

Thanksgiving was warm and inviting and the food was amazing. I contributed a huge pot of Spanish rice that was gone by the end of the night. It felt like one of the more progressive months overall.

Rose. Rose is someone that I admired from afar for a few months before we actually got close. Now I confide in her regularly, and we actually got to meet around the time of my birthday. For me it was a really big deal!

Nati. She is my girl crush. It’s all over social media. Her gallery makes me swoon, she’s so lovely and creative. During this year she checked up on me regularly when I was dealing with a heavy depression. She has a really wonderful bubbly personality and the killer hair and make up to match. If I could, I’d kidnap her to come party with me in LA, but then her boyfriend would miss her too much.

Serge. Serge and I met years ago. We’re talking years! Serge and I work with dream interpretation and interstellar communication. We hope to collaborate in the future, but currently hold a very solid bond. I owe him much respect and admiration. He's a real starseed if I ever saw one, and he was the one who taught me how to stealth. He says, "travel light, fast and invisible!" Gratitude aplenty!!

Tarot-Dreams. I first met Tarot-Dreams back in 2011. We used to exchange letters. Nowadays we talk fairly regularly and confide in one another. When you most need it, some people step up to the plate and surprise you. I have felt warmth and kindness radiating from him, and admiration radiating from me. Thank you.

Veronica. This lovely lady has really come to surprise me. She texts me every now and then to open up about her life and we have been bonding. She’s intense and creative, and I love that about her. Hoping we will get to interact more closely in 2017.

The talk right now is about making it to Spain and Morocco. If not there, then the Amalfi Coast. A more local desired destination is New Orleans. It would be nice to visit Europe again for sure. We discovered an old world there that I am yearning to be a part of. Otherwise, warming up the nest seems just as amicable. I have moved around a lot lately and I’d like to be home to enjoy the gifts LA has to offer. Y’know, just be at my newly settled home.

Toward the Art of Reading by Camelia Elias. I burned through it from cover to cover and was left wanting for more. This book teaches you to read tarot cards like the devil.


I would like to focus on and keep working on my creative expressions. More writing, drawing, blogging, and digital illustrations. It would be great to build a new body of work for the future.

I’m also looking forward to dominate my new make up brushes. I’ve been having fun with lip colors, and trying to incorporate more flushed out looks now with eye shadows. While I tend to prefer brown eye shadows, I’m also trying to pop some color on my lids. It’s still a work in progress.

Otherwise, I want a quiet year. The rest is extra.


This year I learned the importance of working with what you have. Accepting that the boundaries get closer to you means understanding also how much you need to prioritize yourself above the rest. It’s not always going to go the way that was planned, and yet it doesn’t mean you shouldn’t keep pushing for what you want. I like the fact I have been forced to let go cold turkey. I don’t delude myself with hopes that have no promise. Keeping a journal about it is cathartic for me, and so is talking about it. When you task yourself with putting events in place and rationalizing the reason things went how they went, you are made to accept it. There’s no way around it. You walk away from it with a clear mind. And sure, it can still overwhelm or draw out emotional reactions, but that’s how you get better. You don’t repress it, you keep going and you hope that eventually you’ll be okay. It takes time.

Thank you! Thank you for sticking around and for reading these roller coaster journal entries! Three cheers for 2017! Be safe. I hope we all meet on the other side.


Hey, want to read an intense story?

I’ve been combing through old journals to assess my life and try to figure out where the wrong turns went. What has been an emotional time machine has unearthed a story I promised long ago and never got to share. It took me years to build up the courage to share it because it is so intense and personal.

So how about it?

Five years ago today I drove up the mountain path and through the end of a double rainbow to have a really unique experience. I was destined to meet a Shaman and to try ayahuasca. Since then, I haven't been able to forget what I went through. In hindsight, it foreshadowed major events that happened during the start of my Saturn Return. I learned some of the biggest life lessons this year, and yet when I look back in time I see an echo right before even getting started learning! It all feels like a preemptive warning for when the real deal events take place years later. I survived!

There are drawings in this journal that I would like to share with you another day, to help you envision things as I saw them. I wish to be able to paint these one day in a much larger scale.


"What a night! This experience has been a major turning point in my personal development and life. We sat at the river for hours, basking in the sun and enjoying ourselves. After a quick splash in the river, we gathered out own placement in what later came to be the site of the sacred circle. We gave thanks for what was about to happen, opened the circle, invoked the spirit guides, and so it started. Paula was first, then my Mom, then Doris, then me. When my turn came, I sat before the shaman and stared. He offered me many blessings and safe travels. I was still for a moment, then I took a sip. Gulping the brew down afterwards, it was like bad tobacco. Gross.

We all sat in silence to wait while the Shaman sang icaros and prepared the environment for us, shaking his rattles and beating his drums. The high vibrations pounded in our chests, synchronizing our hearts to the divine energy of the brew that was filtered through our inner universes. And slowly we started to turn into the trance state of mind. I lay there in the forest floor for what felt like an eternity, yet nothing happened. The lady next to me was singing, singing, singing. She started to laugh and said, “all these colors!” Next thing I know, Mom is puking and Patricia instructed the shaman to give me more ayahuasca. Sitting in the middle of the circle again, I took another shot of the brew. I was worried about Mom after the second shot, and then the trip hit me instantly.

I looked up at the clouds and there were bunnies with teeth looking down at me. I was seeing evil things in the sky, so I closed my eyes. I saw a bird of fire come to me and embrace me. I saw Archangel Michael. He was yellow and orange, and he was vibrant. I closed my eyes while I covered them with my hands and then it all began. It starts with tunnel vision and then a massive quilted blanket of warm colors spinning like a kaleidoscope, turning, spinning and dividing. I was drenched in overwhelming despair, the anguish that I would never be happy again . I was suffering and I kept trying to open my eyes to go back to reality. It spun on for ages, and then suddenly it started turning grey and purple. Then the sequence repeated itself 6 or 7 more times. Stuck in what felt like an endless loop.

I woke up briefly, then returned to my trance. Suddenly I was bathed in pink and purple accents. I felt an overwhelming sense of time for my then boyfriend. It left me in ecstasy and I smiled the biggest smile, repeating vocally how much I loved him and yearned to be one with him. Then the sadness came again and I told him that I was sorry. I begged him for forgiveness, and then I sat up and puked. The loop of ecstacy and sadness happened many times, and I secretly feared I’d be stuck in this mindset forever.

This was the climax of the trip. I kept dying and coming back to life, then I had some massive dramas. Boys, Father, online habits and self-esteem. I kept purging it, and re-living it, like a hard lesson not to mistreat myself. I got scolded by Facebook on my computer for my Internet addiction. I said I was sorry multiple times. I felt like my life had come to an end at that point. The desperation welled up and I screamed in agony, but to everyone around me it sounded like I was singing.. The emotional beatings kept on coming and I kept on puking. I got stuck in a cycle of spitting, puking, touching the ground, touching my forehead, saying I couldn’t take it anymore and then puking again. When I became self-aware I realized that everyone was staring. My Mom asked me if I was okay.

Night was falling and everybody was anxious to get back before the stars came out, but I was too immersed in that world to come out of it. The shaman and his partner tried to wake me. They passed nettle leaves over my wrists and on my lower back so that the itch would help bring me back to consciousness, but I was too far gone. I had physically gone unconscious. I was floating through space, seeing novas and plants I never knew existed. I ended up seeing Shiva with rings of life and destruction cycling behind. I went with Shiva to the origin of the universe. I spun through that place, which looked to me like an old Microsoft interface with color and shape. When I opened my eyes, I saw Patricia in the river. The Shaman’s partner Meika came up to me and told me I had to stop letting people drain me and steal my energy. She kept telling me to find my center, and she also tried to wake me up. I couldn’t respond.

Night fell fully, it was cold and we had to go but I was stuck in the cosmic whirlwind of sacred revelations. I heard voices talking to me and saw staggeringly beautiful light beings that were showing me my psychic gifts. I had clairvoyance, and so they showed me a wall of hundreds of eyes in blue and purple in what looked like a net. Then they showed me clairsentience, empathy, mediumship and visions of the past. I pleaded them to take my gifts and told them I didn’t want them anymore. The voice told me I had a purpose in life and that I should forgive my Father. [So many years later, I am shocked at the relevance of this teaching. The plant knew what it was doing.]

I opened my eyes as the Shaman poured ice cold water from the river on me to wake me up. Then they forced me to stand, and off we went. We ran for what felt like an eternity and I came in and out of consciousness. My ears were buzzing like an arcade. One moment my feet were in the muff, the next I was back in the cosmic vortex.

At one point the forest came alive with thousands of fireflies. It looked like a scene out of an avatar movie. Since I couldn’t stay conscious, I only saw it for a second. It was the most beautiful natural event I have ever seen in my life.

Meika’s family took me to a bungalow and helped me shower, then slipped me into clean clothes. I stared at her brother Kahlil in the eyes, and he stared right back. I knew he wanted to say something, but I had no idea what it was. As it turns out he had the same experience just the week before and had nearly passed away, and there I was reminding him of how dark it got for him at one point in time. Then the Shaman came in and told me to get some rest, that we would have a serious talk the next day. I heard the arcade sounds the entire night, and they as well as the voice left me around 4 A.M. the next day.

The night was spent pouring my heart out to my Mom about my inner fears and secrets. The coqui frogs were very loud, and in the room next to ours Doris listened in on our entire conversation without adding to it. Everyone was so wonderful in taking care of me. Meika came around yelling in my face that I should never let anybody drain me again, and she had this fierceness to her that made her light up with life.

The next day, the Shaman sat me down and warned me about my then boyfriend J. He told me with lots of concern that dark times were ahead and that I should separate from him, no matter how much I thought I loved him. He warned me that I would get hurt. We sat by the mountain path on a mossy bench that sat peacefully between two trees. He told me I have had by far the most intense ayahuasca trip that he had seen to date. He told me I was lucky because the plant doesn’t choose everybody for messages like that. He said he saw me purging a lot of negative energy in the form of spider webs, and that a lot of it wasn’t mine. That I had picked it up as I tried to help all those that got close to me. It pained him as he told me, but he said that the guy I was with benefit from my presence, but that I would end up in a huge rut.” — Diary entry.

In hindsight, he was right. I got pretty crushed, but it was also my own doing. I have to take responsibility now. Funny how life works! — It has certainly changed my mindset to read over these journal entries. You always get clear understanding of your circumstances when you look to the past for answer. The path you strayed from and forgot sends you into the thick of the woods to learn some valuable life lessons.

Right now I am prioritizing my spirit and taking care of myself. It seems counterproductive to unearth the past, but what I am really trying to do is face it in my own way. I want to make peace with my demons, and so far this is the only way accessible to me. I’m trying!

Up until now, I have only ever shared this experience with a handful of people. It is very personal and deals with some inner dilemmas that I wasn't prepared to publish back when it happened. While this will likely sound really crazy to anybody reading, it absolutely happened back then. And it is still relevant today. I am contemplating going for a second try, it feels like now that I understand the messages, I’d be able to have a different experience. Maybe I'll be able to close the chapters and the book forever. My soul is ready.

Onwards to healing and working internally to greet 2017 with a fresh face and open arms.


Other than the lavish museums and châteaus, I believe this is my favorite destination in Paris. You wait in line for a couple of hours, and when you step in through the door you get the feeling of anticipation for a great adventure.

Down and down we spiraled through a long set of stairs that kept going down. The passageway once you land makes you feel like you took a time machine back, and that is one of my most favorite feelings. The adventurer feels like they are walking in a dimension between the past and the present, somewhere in its own contained existence. As we went, we could spot green mold growing on the walls juxtaposed with the contrast of graffiti tags and vinyl stickers. At length of the walk, we stumbled upon an exhibit of objects that were found in the depths of the catacombs site. A large seashell from a long distant past, and other specimens of minerals were on display. Gated passageways with wrought iron fences and mysterious destinations far under the belly of Paris in what was once an underwater place.

Fascinating! A really very creepy place!

Before going into the crypt site, you are met with a sign asking for no flash photography as well as asking you not to touch the skulls. (It was adorably illustrated to boot.) On the way, the walls have plaques on them to help you identify the time period the miners went through there. So it goes. The passageways are named in cryptic ways, such as “Avenue of Monsters.” I loved it!

When you step into the crypt sites, you feel a change in the air. You’ve been feeling it for however long the journey to this point has been going on since going underground. And now you’re finally here, and the air is damp with dim lights. The piles of bones are staggering. You walk through a maze open to the public and you wonder what this place is like with the lights off late at night when no one else is there. I’d be crazy enough to venture it, even though it’s likely freezing cold. I’d love to commune with those spirits, to envision their stories and to have an experience with the brave souls of the revolution.

The skulls embedded in the piles were beautiful. Some of them were arranged into crosses or other creative designs. The fact these people have such a unique resting place is amazing. I wish that someday I could end up in a similar situation. The traditional cemetery site isn't my thing. If I'm not buried randomly in a forest, I would like to end up in a pile of bones in a very underground place.

It’s so crowded with bones, you can imagine them hosting spirit gatherings. Let your imagination run wild in a place like this and you could have yourself the next best selling novel. Imagine them frozen in time, dancing in their aged vestments and looping constantly in the remnants of their memory. Forevermore!

Now they rest here. I hope you enjoy my little gallery of mementos as I swept through their history and admired them in their resting place. Can you hear the deafening silence?


I've got friends on the other side.