THE CRISP BREEZE OF RENEWAL

There is so much to talk about right now. In the time I have been gone from the blog I went to Disneyland and to Galaxy's Edge again, I made a friend, I got an apology for Chris for everything that happened and protests erupted all throughout the world, but especially in my homeland. I am very happy with the shift in the wind and the opportunity to pick my life back up after all the insanity that ensued. Now I am focusing my efforts towards stabilizing my life and I can feel a skip in my step as I am going through my commitments. I feel like myself again.

A couple of weeks ago I did a private ritual with a silver candle and a white one. I used sage, palo santo, dimethyltryptamine with blue lotus, and a crystal grid. I find that my crafting was successful and brought with it the serenity, understanding, security and positivity that I had asked for. I was very impressed with the fast results and remain grateful for the hand its positive influence had in my life in the days and weeks to come. I had spent some time with a new friend that proved to be a positive influence. An enthusiastic endorser of psychonautics that gifted me with a high tier herbal mix for introspective purposes. I found the mix to be optimal for higher learning and walked away from the experience feeling renewed in spirit. I don't know that I will do it again very many more times, but I liked the experience I had. Up until now I have done Ayahuasca, salvia divinorum, kambo, and dmt. I have tried all the entheogenic experiences I was curious about.

Just as I had set my thoughts to acceptance, I got a phone call the morning after that I didn't expect. I definitely didn't see it coming. My life took a very positive turn that day, and since then I walk around with the soothing balm of not aching every hour of the day. I've had clarity of mind and ability to focus again, and am realigning with my goals. I still have a very busy social life and plans to look forward to, with the added joy of games to play when I find time to myself. I have been wanting to make this post for a few days now, but have been too busy to get around to it.

The time since has been spent prioritizing my needs and processing everything that happened. I have been looking to spend more time alone in order to get my thoughts straight. I am enjoying the extra time taken to relax even if it is rare. In reconnecting to myself I am finding that I have more motivation to spend time in the kitchen and looking after myself. I feel generally much healthier and I gained back all the weight I had lost already, which was surmountable. I look like myself again!

About two weeks ago a scandal broke out in Puerto Rico that I want to talk about. Governor Ricardo Rossello had his Telegram chat logs leaked in which he gloated about his abuse of power and posted strategies to keep his image sharp. The use of poor jokes and the rampant disregard for others makes him out to look like a sinister narcissist. And all his lackeys with their fragmented influence playing the game to stay in his favor for the benefits it brings. I read he chat logs that were leaked and think there is much more to the story that we don't know about. The content that was uploaded covered a few months in what spans a few years of office. There is more we don't know about, and may not come to find out. They have probably deleted the proof.

Much to my wonder, the people took to the streets of Old San Juan and surrounding areas with passion. They have been protesting often, and in very creative ways. I feel very proud of my heritage right now, and bask in the glow of the unifying light of our people as we shed it right now. I am very proud of all the celebrities and news reporters who are present and spreading the message across the globe. We must continue until real change is made, and this is our chance to make it.

I am curious to see what will happen next. This is a very big moment for Puerto Rico, and I am optimistic about the future that we are fighting for in the most exemplary way. We are raising our name by advocating change in a very jovial way, unique to our character and history. We are passionate people, and we clearly love our native island.


I feel very uplifted in general. I have a ton of boring stuff I need to do that I'm not looking forward to, but at least I am feeling better. It's great not to go to bed dreading a nightmare that will keep me up the rest of the night. It's great to have gone to Disneyland again feeling more myself and able to enjoy the park with zest. I have a lot that I want to post on the blog, so with time allowing I'll get a few reviews and lifestyle posts published.

Fire Emblem: Three Houses is coming out in a couple of days and I am very excited to get it. I love that series, and have played multiple Fire Emblem games. I'm going out tonight, too. I'm really looking forward to the ability to dance and to see some of my goth friends. I just don't relate or enjoy that Top 40 life. Top 40 music generally sucks.

Wishing you all a great week!
♡♡

DISNEYLAND: GALAXY'S EDGE

Yesterday I hauled ass over to Anaheim with the intention of finding a distraction and giving my heart some respite from the massive storm that has been thundering and rolling over it without mercy. I got up at 7, spent no time at all getting dressed and was soon out the door. Made it to the park around the time it opened, and had a tough time with the flashbacks that came for me like silver bullets. I remembered the park since my last visit and saw live afterimage-type flashbacks from the last time I was there. This time was so different.

Disneyland is the place where dreams come true, apparently. It was once. I had come here before and had my dreams come true. Walking around I felt my heart flutter. I wanted to share the milestone day with Chris and I decided to push the thoughts from my mind. I just tried to have the most fun I could. Any time my mind would take me there I'd stare off into space and check out for a few minutes.

I know I talk about him a lot but the breakup is just barely over a week old. I still had a great time at the park and took a ton of really great photos.





Made a beeline for Galaxy's Edge because of course. It took my breath away as I walked up to and into the experience. I felt like I had stepped out of California. After standing in line for an hour and flipping out about where I was I made it to Millenium Falcon: Smuggler's Run. To my sheer amazement and delight they handed me the Pilot pass and ushered me into my seat. I was screaming internally, the joy I felt was foreign. I had not squealed for delight or smiled so widely in a long time. When we got started I got the chance to make the Millenium Falcon jump to light speed. I did it twice. The ride was immersive and amazing, it was super fun. I screamed and got into it as if I was there. 10/10 would recommend the ride.








Tried to make reservations to buy a lightsaber but it was all full up, so I will have to wait to come back to get one. My wallet thanks them. As I moved over to the First Order's camp out I witnessed some scenes I couldn't document but thoroughly enjoyed. I picked up luggage tags and lapel pins to commemorate my visit. So much amazing merch, though. The area is completely immersive and stunning. I can't glow about it enough.








The first ride I went on after that was Haunted Mansion. It was as amazing as I remember. I went through all of Adventureland, did Indiana Jones twice. The ride is exhilarating. I got to see both, first row. Indiana Jones is by far their most exciting ride for me. Afterwards I went to Tomorrowland and did Buzz Lightyear: Astro Blasters, Star Tours x 2, also saw both rides. Combed through Fantasyland, missed out on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Saw the parade, went back on Indiana Jones. Took a break, went to Alien Pizza Planet.

As night fell I knew the moment was coming. I dared myself to go back on Space Mountain. Now called Hyperspace Mountain . I missed the stars last time I went because I didn't feel good during the ride, and I spent it all with my eyes closed. I dared myself to do it again and to see the stars this time. I was trembling as I scanned in my phone, and walked slowly up the path. This was the most difficult experience for me. I couldn't breathe and I was shaking. Inside the ride waiting room I was freaking out. When the time came I sat and started mumbling. The stranger next to me asked if I was okay. I told him why I was there and the couple in front of me turned around to say the ride was different and that I would love it. Off we went.

During the climb I chanted my usual "why do I do this to myself?" The Imperial March surrounded us as we got launched into space. I saw the stars this time, and so much more. We had lasers fired at us and I saw Star Wars ships. I hung on as hard as I could. The stars look so tiny, and there are so many of them present as the ride weaves through the mechanical abyss. The sound of the rails rages in my ears as I do my best to stay present and not let the ride overpower me. By the time we slowed down I felt accomplished. It's a ride, there is nothing really to fear about it. But in that moment I was facing my past and I was claiming my power back, and I felt I achieved what I came to do. I walked out with my hollow heart swelling and a sense of pride that I went on that ride alone. The guy sitting next to me during the ride caught up to ask if I was okay, and as we parted ways I set my mind to the next challenge. I had a ticket to Fantasmic, and I made sure to sit right in front and center for this one.



Fantasmic is such an amazing show. It is emotionally compelling and strives to wake the sleeping optimist in the hearts of the viewers. Light show, water show, fire, fireworks, music, performance, dance. It has it all. I love that show and all the tender, loving memories it has provided. I love Disneyland park, and the day my car arrives to Los Angeles I am purchasing an annual pass to celebrate. Even though it started out as a love story, the place became an area of self-exploration and empowerment. I want to go with my friends and I want to experience the joyful magic of the park when I am in a better place mentally.

Now you will deal with me—and all the powers of my imagination!

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Now I have a lot of catching up on work to do. It has been a week since Chris broke up with me, he keeps me up at night and he is my first thought every morning. Day 7.

More photos to come.
♡♡

XIII

Thank you for nine years of online friendship. I am grateful for all those of you who have endorsed my services and supported my online presence. Today I have decided it is time to close Samhain Moon. I wish you all a great rest of the year, may you find your path brings you adventure and wisdom far beyond your years. I hope we will cross paths again someday, and wonder what the future will bring.

Parting is bittersweet. This has been my online home, and I don't have a plan for what to do next. But it's clear this chapter is over now.

Attentively,
Leelahel

THE MARCHETTI TAROT

The new Marchetti Tarot is said to be the last tarot deck Ciro Marchetti will give us. I was fawning over the Retrospective Tarot and the Tarot Grand Luxe when I came across this jewel. Instant hearts for eyes! Also instant checkout. lol

I have collected Ciro Marchetti’s self-published decks since I first found out about them, but  I think the real milestone was January 2013 when the Gilded Reverie Lenormand came out. I had two copies of the Gilded Reverie Lenormand, a copy of the self-published Legacy of the Divine Tarot, four copies of the Tarot of Dreams 2nd edition, The original Gilded Royale Tarot, the self-published Oracle of Visions and two copies of the smaller Tarot Royale. Now I own the Marchetti Tarot and I am eyeing the Restrospective Tarot, which is a compilation of all his favorite cards from his decks. The cards are frosted in white with silver gilded edges. They cards also have some very stunning back designs. I’d be sorry to miss out on that one.

But for now, we focus on this one. The cards are 2.75 x 4.75, in my hand they seem to be about standard size. The card stock is thick and has no yield. The shuffle is a crunchy, stiff task for tiny hands like mine. With time they may get somewhat broken into with smooth, feathered edges. The gilding seems to have been applied by hand, it is a soft and shiny gold. Truly a luxury card experience.





Ciro Marchetti’s art is greatly improved in this deck and looks more magic-realist. The interpretation of each card is imaginative, which is a challenge in itself for somebody who has made so many tarot decks already to reinvent. How many times can you paint more or less the same scene and proudly walk away declaring you nailed it? For Ciro, that’s about ten times now. What an artist!

Something I enjoy when working with these cards is the environment in each card. It brings part of the magic of the imaginary world these events are happening in to you, while still keeping legibility. I think that these are loosely based on the Rider-Waite Smith tradition of tarot with an artistic twist or new interpretation.

If you stare at a card long enough it may give the illusion that it shifts or moves. The characters are lifelike. I see motion implied in the artistic strokes. There are elements in movement, especially the water in the suit of Cups. So dreamy!

Each suit has its own color scheme, except for the Major Arcana. Visually this ties most of the cards into group according to color and perceived mood. Depending on how many hues you are working with in your reading, you could pick up on outside influences that slightly affect you without your knowledge. In practical use all of these qualities can be used to spring to mind some new interpetations for your reading. It all depends on which way the wind blows!

If this is his last piece to contribute to the world of divination, we got lucky. He put a lot of love into this one and it shows. We can only hope that this deck will one day make its way into the mass market. It is a stunning addition to the world of tarot, and one many people would enjoy using in their craft with gusto!





♡ What is your most important characteristic?
Queen of Cups. Seemingly cold images that bring a lot of understanding of the cycles and inner currents inside of us. A transparent look into the heart and the psyche, gentle and reassuring. It may be a shy experience at first but you will find yourself warming up to it.

♡ What are your strengths as a tarot deck?
Ten of Coins. The culmination of many years of work and artistic contemplation of the tarot. This is a labor of love crowned with pride for artistic achievement. It has a lot to offer the tarot reader and will be easy to work with once familiarized.

♡ What are your limits?
Nine of Cups. Your limits are how you structure or otherwise box in your dreams. Reading tarot is an intuitive practice, one that requires a connection to your inner self and the ability to connect to others empathically. If you are able to metaphorically stand in their shoes and understand their life you can then patiently explain it back to them and bring a hue of reality to the rose-colored glasses they might be looking at their life through.



♡ What are you here to teach me?
The Magician. I am here to teach you the gift of foresight and responsibility to yourself. In understanding the tools you are working with you can achieve the realization of your dreams from concept to prototype to finished result. If you trust in yourself and your abilities there is no limit to what you can create. You just need to believe in it.

♡ How can I best learn to collaborate with you?
Three of Coins. In three steps, but generally just diving into it and getting your hands dirty. Starting anew means you have to start thinking about ways to approach problems differently. It is in your new creative solutions you find the potential to do bigger and better things. Take advice from those with more experience and put your efforts into your next achievement.

♡ What is the potential outcome of our working relationship?
Knight of Swords. The news you seek may seem cold and calloused in response. That's what happens when messages come through with precision and lack of decorum. Using this deck you will have a sharp sense of de-cluttering your life, and will find you can picture the outcome before the circumstances are over. This deck spares no one's feelings.



♡ Which card do you want to show off?
King of Swords. Mind over heart in matters of fortune telling. This deck seeks to inspire all the while giving messages with clarity. Watch for sharp edges, if you are sensitive you might thing this deck is strong. You'll be sticking through the facts and finding truth without the attached tangled of feelings.

♡ How do you see me?
The Empress. This card is following me around lately. The Empress signifies growing into your most adult self, having an understanding of the world and shouldering responsibility. Seeking personal growth, seeking to be there for others on their journey. Simply being grounded in the present with the gift of unconditional love. Knowing this and enjoying the experience is enough.

♡ How do you see yourself?
Six of Swords. A journey of the psyche that takes time to show signs of change or comfort. These transitional periods shed insight into the past and help you understand what you are leaving behind, but the real puzzle is actually the future you are slowly approaching. This card signifies movement, implying we are seeking a direction for personal growth. No matter where we go, what we have learned comes with us.



Its been a while since a new release has captivated my attention enough to make me add another deck to my bulging tarot collection. At 362 decks I can finally say I am running out of storage space in my living quarters, but it had to happen eventually. I’m not mad about it, my card collection brings me lots of joy.

I am really enjoying using this since it arrived a couple of weeks ago. This is a great tarot deck to work with, and the culmination of work of an amazing artist. A deluxe experience in a tactile and visual sense. Well worth the investment!
♡♡

GOODBYE

Grandfather passed away last night. The news came as I was cleaning out my closet. When I heard about what happened it knocked the wind out of me; I went into shock and hung up the phone without saying anything. I sat on my bed and stared at my reflection in the mirror, feeling alarms going off. I felt overwhelmed by feelings of grief at a time when all there is available is to suffer in silence. Alone.

I feel so much gratitude to him for raising me and mentoring me in various aspects of my life. His life story was one of overcoming limitations and finding great success. He traveled to every country and saw the world, then came back with trophy souvenirs to remember his travels by. He did everything he ever wanted to do and he started a very close-knit family. We have done everything together. He went to all my graduations. He infected me with my love for tactile paper and the postal service. He taught me discipline and seriousness, but above all he taught me diligence and honesty.



One day when I was a kid he drove me to the post office and taught me the very comical "proper way" to mail out letters. He instructed me to tell the mailbox where my letter was going, and to say goodbye to the letter as you pushed it into the slot of the mailbox. The letter made a soft klunk as it hit the floor of the mailbox. I still remember the intensity of the sun as it hit that parking lot and the way my young face was reflected on the window as I peered out from my seat. I had light brown hair and my eyes were two large, deep pools of antimatter. My hair was swept back into a ponytail that got messy from my running around the house. I had loose streaks of wavy hair framing my face. The memory is so distant now that I rememember it as if I was looking at a Kodak photo. The edges of the photo have started to weather and yellow with time. It feels as if you're looking through a time machine at a very different set of hues from the vivid colors you can see around you now.  Memory fades as it ages.

I remember when he taught me how to cook, how affectionately he explained step by step of his process. He was so proud of how methodical he was, and the precision with which he carried out his organization was militant. As militant as I am. His office was spotless, and his pens were all borrowed at some point when I was going to school. I used so many of his sticky notes.

I remember long afternoons at his house, watching Tom and Jerry on the television and eating hearty home cooked meals that were prepared with lots of love. I had a quiet retreat with a ton of room to run and grow in, undisturbed by anybody as long as I was around them. Both of my grandparents sought to shelter me from the world and raised me with more love than I've ever known from any other person. They fed my love for dinosaurs, coloring books, space, science, aliens, Disney, Japan, pets, birds, doing the right thing, and cooking/eating. I didn't know anything other than how to enjoy life and how to eat myself into a coma in my time at their house.



As relieved as I am that he is no longer in pain from the Hellish holidays we just endured together, I feel the hole his departure has left. I feel more alone, one step closer to a future where I have no one who remembers my story or saw it happen.

I have to sit through an entire day of travel to go home and I am dreading it. Having someone around forever makes you feel they'll never be absent. He knew me my entire life. I only saw one third of his.

I am writing this entry today to commemorate our relationship. My heart is broken. He was unconscious the last time I said goodbye to him in person. I wonder if he remembered I visited the hospital at all.

I'll never forget his jovial humor. He made jokes most of the day and he knew how to enjoy life to the fullest. I'll never forget the lessons he taught me and the stories he shared with me. I was so lucky to have met him and to have grown up in his care.



Then the day that it happened I recorded this last bit, "I look forward to having lunch with you again."