END OF YEAR

I want to say a few things since I missed the deadline for the new blog I'm about to launch. Watch this space for the next month or so if you are interested in seeing what happened next. I invite you to after a short wait.

We went to Galaxy's Edge as I wrote in my previous post. Chris loved it so much. We had a perfect day and night. We spent the night before with his family, and had a romantic time the rest of the time we spent together. I loved that I got to spend the entire day beside him, having adventures with him and enjoying Disneyland in general. On my own end I got to enjoy all the rights. I suffered through Hyperspace Mountain and we got a laugh at the photo. Most importantly, we got to do it together. Despite all our hardships this year, we still made it.

I had a tough time during the autumntime. It simply wasn't my time. I spent a lot of time feeling frustrated or isolated by my problems. I started to crank out creative work and now I'm building a body of works that I am excited about and sharing soon. It is motivating me to keep going with it.






PUERTO RICO:
I had a quiet time spending time with my mother and celebrating her birthday. With the good fortune of running into old friends, I had the luck of having one of them make me sushi when I visited their work. It was expertly made and extra savory thanks to the fact I was there with somebody I appreciated and had barely been in touch with for the past 10 years of my life.

I rekindled communication with another friend that had been absent for about 5—6 years. Despite the long silences we managed to pick up where we left off and talk about all the things that have happened since we last met. It was nice to talk to someone who gets it and with whom I feel I am on equal terms and grounds with.

This trip was very eye-opening for me. I had rapé and sananga administered by my mentor. She balanced me out with a chiropractor and with ions. I walked out of her healing center with a quiet mind and a sense of peace and joy wafting over me. During our consultation together she told me true happiness is feeling loved and having peace of mind.

I took a lot of new personal truths with me from all the introspection and reflection. It feels like old chapters in my life are officially closed and like I am taking steps towards becoming the person I have always wanted to be.

I took a risk and expressed my individuality more during this trip. I was able to make space for myself and the response was mostly positive. It made me feel good to be unapologetically myself without being asked to tone it down or to edit my image to please others. I felt much more comfortable, and my confidence has taken considerable boosts. I needed that for sure.

I got to hear the stories of people who live in Puerto Rico and that really put me in perspective. It also made me grateful for my life and the way it is structured. It made me appreciative of a few things I have started to take for granted. This island is a mirror, it always shines my true self back at me. And from what I see I grow, even if I find some experiences scary or difficult. A lot to be grateful for.




HOLIDAYS:
I'm coming home to Chris and the cats. We are going to spend the day catching up and making up for all the time we haven't been together. I am looking forward to sleeping accompanied by my boys, and hope it will be a peaceful time for us all. Our anniversary is coming up soon. Two years of relationship. Don't ask me how we made it. I love Chris very much and I hope as we start out a new decade together we can keep hold of one another and focus on progressing as a couple.

We're spending New Year's Eve at Cloak & Dagger. I couldn't be more excited for it. We are allowed to wear black and silver colors. I intend to wear Wheels and Dollbaby to the event. Get ready.

What I would love more than anything is some time away from the Internet sleeping, painting and otherwise not doing much. I'd probably get stoned every day and contemplate all the lessons I learned in the past decade. With a new one about to start I am going into it with less fear than I went into 2010. I hope that in ten years I will have accomplished my dreams and live quietly instead. Do you have a dream you wish to accomplish this year?



Happy holidays from Gloom, Chris, Teemo and Frost.
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IT'S OCTOBER!

SET OF WHEELS:
It is almost the 3rd of October. In the short time it has been the autumn, I have uprooted my entire life and relocated. I live in Beverly Hills now. I also got my driver's license. I'm in the process of branding a new blog and online identity. I am seeing the promise of change and growth after a time of shedding, and I am very excited about it. This has been what I have been hoping for so feverishly.

The boys and I are now haunting a house in Beverly Hills. We've got a nice interior garden in the front, and a really beautiful old looking wooden door. Our room has three large windows and the feel of the place has this old charm that makes my soul feel it can be at peace for a while.

GAMES:
A lot has happened since my last entry. I have been enjoying Tetris Effect, which I nearly beat on Expert mode. That is, until the Metamorphosis level taught me who my father really is. I love the music and the starlight particles making up the dancing dolphins. There are fractals taking you to an entheogenic mindset in levels like Ritual Passion. I really, really love playing this game. I just won't stop talking about it!

I have also been savoring Fire Emblem: Three Houses, Rayman and Link's Awakening. I'd like to purchase some N64 controllers to show Chris how much I love playing Snowboard Kids 2. He's all into Destiny 2 right now. Not much of an affinity for those midrange vintage games. When the Sega Genesis came out we had a friend of mine over. I cooked, we drank wine and spent hours playing Gunstar Heroes. I sucked at it. Try me with Tetris, though...

DIVINATION:
I've bonded with some unusual tarot decks lately. It has been nice to branch out and try new tools. So far I am really enjoying it. I hope to get some more reviews published now that I have a new space being built. I found one of my missing Hello Kitty decks, so now I can use mine guilt-free knowing I have a backup of it. That deck is wildly popular, very usable and sadly out of print. Those of us that have it, treasure it.

I have been obsessing over the Dark Mansion Tarot by Taroteca Studio. They recently came out with the second edition of their deck, and now the card backs are available with the same look as the ones from their limited edition. Same limited edition silky cardstock, too. I have #222 of the LE and I love the card stock. Surprisingly I use that more than the standard edition. Do yourself a favor and pick up a copy!

My friend Oliver Hibert's tarot deck just recently came back out as well, so if you missed out on that before, now is the time to get your cards! Those cards really come alive; they really fit the autumn-time quite well. I'm taking out my Secret Arcana deck to mix in with the tarot once I am settled in my new home.

FRIENDSHIPS:
One of my friends from a past life recently reached out to and got back in touch with me. He and I were friends until I moved out of the island in 2013, so I'm glad to have a familiar face back in my life. It's nice being around someone who knows where I came from and understands what it's like.

ROMANCE:
Chris and I are still going. I was able to accept how things transpired. We've got a trip to Disneyland coming up in a few days. It will be his first time at Galaxy's Edge, so I hope he's excited for that adventure. I'm ready to pilot the Millenium Falcon again!

There isn't much going on of substance or interest. I forgot to do this year's Annual Review post, but I expect I will be posting it around the time my new blog launches this 31st. Got to keep the tradition alive somehow... Samhain Moon was my shelter during my formative years, but I have since outgrown it. I want to share other aspects of my life and I want it all to be in keeping with my growth. I am very excited about the upcoming name change and the plans for my new online persona. I hope you will enjoy what I am making!

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DISNEYLAND II

I went back to Disneyland a second time very recently. My friend Bella had never been there and was curious to experience the park, so I agreed to go with her. I spent the night before at her place and we made a day of it. It was nice to have a bonding experience with another female my age, since I've been actively looking for friendship for the past few years.

Our day was really fun. We got started riding the carousel along with a band playing music and from there on we went on every other ride. I went on all the fast rides and felt my soul leave my body a few times. Hyperspace Mountain was every bit as scary as I remember it to be. I love hearing the Star Wars music, though, as we speed through the course. This time I was smiling in the photo they take at the end but it timed out before I could snatch a preview. What a loss.

I felt a renewed sense of stability that helped me carry myself with empowered strength. I was in the moment and took the day for myself. After an intense day of rides, pineapple ice cream, carousel and cruise rides, repairing the Millenium Falcon in Smuggler's Run and achieving a 100%, getting all the bad guys at Buzz Lightyear Astro-Blasters, the split light bulb, the lamp at the window, the secrecy of Club 33, the daytime parade, and chatting, we went to go get ramen. I thoroughly enjoyed dinner while I penned a valediction.




When I got back home it was close to midnight. I felt the weight of how far my feet had carried me after an exciting slumber party I had the night before. I closed a couple of week flight of adventure with a gold seal. After an exciting couple of weeks I gifted myself with, I felt my spirit renew itself and my feet planted firmly on the ground. I became fully present.

As I sat at the ramen place I contemplated my life and the direction it is going in. I'm happy with the decisions I am making for my life. I feel like I get to live a life I am more in accordance with even if I have some challenges ahead of me still. I feel very cared for by everybody around me and I feel like my life is going in a positive direction. I am very lucky, and I do feel loved.

I am having a lot of fun lately. It seems there is always something exciting going on. Fire Emblem: Three Houses is coming out and I am really looking forward to playing it. I feel especially excited about seeing the Twenty One Pilots play later this year in the Bandito tour. Pokemon Sword and Shield are also coming out around that time. There are plans for another trip to Disneyland in the fall, and getting a lightstaber this time. I'm going to be celebrating my birthday around that time, also.



Speeding towards what will soon be 2020. The next decade is coming fast!

I wanted to mention also that I am so proud of Puerto Rico for setting examples with their protests and achieving the change we so passionately wanted. The events unfolding were a big deal for all of us.
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THE CRISP BREEZE OF RENEWAL

There is so much to talk about right now. In the time I have been gone from the blog I went to Disneyland and to Galaxy's Edge again, I made a friend, I got an apology for Chris for everything that happened and protests erupted all throughout the world, but especially in my homeland. I am very happy with the shift in the wind and the opportunity to pick my life back up after all the insanity that ensued. Now I am focusing my efforts towards stabilizing my life and I can feel a skip in my step as I am going through my commitments. I feel like myself again.

A couple of weeks ago I did a private ritual with a silver candle and a white one. I used sage, palo santo, dimethyltryptamine with blue lotus, and a crystal grid. I find that my crafting was successful and brought with it the serenity, understanding, security and positivity that I had asked for. I was very impressed with the fast results and remain grateful for the hand its positive influence had in my life in the days and weeks to come. I had spent some time with a new friend that proved to be a positive influence. An enthusiastic endorser of psychonautics that gifted me with a high tier herbal mix for introspective purposes. I found the mix to be optimal for higher learning and walked away from the experience feeling renewed in spirit. I don't know that I will do it again very many more times, but I liked the experience I had. Up until now I have done Ayahuasca, salvia divinorum, kambo, and dmt. I have tried all the entheogenic experiences I was curious about.

Just as I had set my thoughts to acceptance, I got a phone call the morning after that I didn't expect. I definitely didn't see it coming. My life took a very positive turn that day, and since then I walk around with the soothing balm of not aching every hour of the day. I've had clarity of mind and ability to focus again, and am realigning with my goals. I still have a very busy social life and plans to look forward to, with the added joy of games to play when I find time to myself. I have been wanting to make this post for a few days now, but have been too busy to get around to it.

The time since has been spent prioritizing my needs and processing everything that happened. I have been looking to spend more time alone in order to get my thoughts straight. I am enjoying the extra time taken to relax even if it is rare. In reconnecting to myself I am finding that I have more motivation to spend time in the kitchen and looking after myself. I feel generally much healthier and I gained back all the weight I had lost already, which was surmountable. I look like myself again!

About two weeks ago a scandal broke out in Puerto Rico that I want to talk about. Governor Ricardo Rossello had his Telegram chat logs leaked in which he gloated about his abuse of power and posted strategies to keep his image sharp. The use of poor jokes and the rampant disregard for others makes him out to look like a sinister narcissist. And all his lackeys with their fragmented influence playing the game to stay in his favor for the benefits it brings. I read he chat logs that were leaked and think there is much more to the story that we don't know about. The content that was uploaded covered a few months in what spans a few years of office. There is more we don't know about, and may not come to find out. They have probably deleted the proof.

Much to my wonder, the people took to the streets of Old San Juan and surrounding areas with passion. They have been protesting often, and in very creative ways. I feel very proud of my heritage right now, and bask in the glow of the unifying light of our people as we shed it right now. I am very proud of all the celebrities and news reporters who are present and spreading the message across the globe. We must continue until real change is made, and this is our chance to make it.

I am curious to see what will happen next. This is a very big moment for Puerto Rico, and I am optimistic about the future that we are fighting for in the most exemplary way. We are raising our name by advocating change in a very jovial way, unique to our character and history. We are passionate people, and we clearly love our native island.


I feel very uplifted in general. I have a ton of boring stuff I need to do that I'm not looking forward to, but at least I am feeling better. It's great not to go to bed dreading a nightmare that will keep me up the rest of the night. It's great to have gone to Disneyland again feeling more myself and able to enjoy the park with zest. I have a lot that I want to post on the blog, so with time allowing I'll get a few reviews and lifestyle posts published.

Fire Emblem: Three Houses is coming out in a couple of days and I am very excited to get it. I love that series, and have played multiple Fire Emblem games. I'm going out tonight, too. I'm really looking forward to the ability to dance and to see some of my goth friends. I just don't relate or enjoy that Top 40 life. Top 40 music generally sucks.

Wishing you all a great week!
♡♡

DISNEYLAND: GALAXY'S EDGE

Yesterday I hauled ass over to Anaheim with the intention of finding a distraction and giving my heart some respite from the massive storm that has been thundering and rolling over it without mercy. I got up at 7, spent no time at all getting dressed and was soon out the door. Made it to the park around the time it opened, and had a tough time with the flashbacks that came for me like silver bullets. I remembered the park since my last visit and saw live afterimage-type flashbacks from the last time I was there. This time was so different.

Disneyland is the place where dreams come true, apparently. It was once. I had come here before and had my dreams come true. Walking around I felt my heart flutter. I wanted to share the milestone day with Chris and I decided to push the thoughts from my mind. I just tried to have the most fun I could. Any time my mind would take me there I'd stare off into space and check out for a few minutes.

I know I talk about him a lot but the breakup is just barely over a week old. I still had a great time at the park and took a ton of really great photos.





Made a beeline for Galaxy's Edge because of course. It took my breath away as I walked up to and into the experience. I felt like I had stepped out of California. After standing in line for an hour and flipping out about where I was I made it to Millenium Falcon: Smuggler's Run. To my sheer amazement and delight they handed me the Pilot pass and ushered me into my seat. I was screaming internally, the joy I felt was foreign. I had not squealed for delight or smiled so widely in a long time. When we got started I got the chance to make the Millenium Falcon jump to light speed. I did it twice. The ride was immersive and amazing, it was super fun. I screamed and got into it as if I was there. 10/10 would recommend the ride.








Tried to make reservations to buy a lightsaber but it was all full up, so I will have to wait to come back to get one. My wallet thanks them. As I moved over to the First Order's camp out I witnessed some scenes I couldn't document but thoroughly enjoyed. I picked up luggage tags and lapel pins to commemorate my visit. So much amazing merch, though. The area is completely immersive and stunning. I can't glow about it enough.








The first ride I went on after that was Haunted Mansion. It was as amazing as I remember. I went through all of Adventureland, did Indiana Jones twice. The ride is exhilarating. I got to see both, first row. Indiana Jones is by far their most exciting ride for me. Afterwards I went to Tomorrowland and did Buzz Lightyear: Astro Blasters, Star Tours x 2, also saw both rides. Combed through Fantasyland, missed out on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride. Saw the parade, went back on Indiana Jones. Took a break, went to Alien Pizza Planet.

As night fell I knew the moment was coming. I dared myself to go back on Space Mountain. Now called Hyperspace Mountain . I missed the stars last time I went because I didn't feel good during the ride, and I spent it all with my eyes closed. I dared myself to do it again and to see the stars this time. I was trembling as I scanned in my phone, and walked slowly up the path. This was the most difficult experience for me. I couldn't breathe and I was shaking. Inside the ride waiting room I was freaking out. When the time came I sat and started mumbling. The stranger next to me asked if I was okay. I told him why I was there and the couple in front of me turned around to say the ride was different and that I would love it. Off we went.

During the climb I chanted my usual "why do I do this to myself?" The Imperial March surrounded us as we got launched into space. I saw the stars this time, and so much more. We had lasers fired at us and I saw Star Wars ships. I hung on as hard as I could. The stars look so tiny, and there are so many of them present as the ride weaves through the mechanical abyss. The sound of the rails rages in my ears as I do my best to stay present and not let the ride overpower me. By the time we slowed down I felt accomplished. It's a ride, there is nothing really to fear about it. But in that moment I was facing my past and I was claiming my power back, and I felt I achieved what I came to do. I walked out with my hollow heart swelling and a sense of pride that I went on that ride alone. The guy sitting next to me during the ride caught up to ask if I was okay, and as we parted ways I set my mind to the next challenge. I had a ticket to Fantasmic, and I made sure to sit right in front and center for this one.



Fantasmic is such an amazing show. It is emotionally compelling and strives to wake the sleeping optimist in the hearts of the viewers. Light show, water show, fire, fireworks, music, performance, dance. It has it all. I love that show and all the tender, loving memories it has provided. I love Disneyland park, and the day my car arrives to Los Angeles I am purchasing an annual pass to celebrate. Even though it started out as a love story, the place became an area of self-exploration and empowerment. I want to go with my friends and I want to experience the joyful magic of the park when I am in a better place mentally.

Now you will deal with me—and all the powers of my imagination!

Yesterday was absolutely perfect. Now I have a lot of catching up on work to do. It has been a week since Chris broke up with me, he keeps me up at night and he is my first thought every morning. Day 7.

More photos to come.
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