TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS

LETTING GO OF MEDIOCRE FRIENDS:



The changes that have taken place in my life as of late have been pretty severe, just as the 12 month spread predicted. I've always known that I haven't made the best choices when it comes to letting people into my closest circle of friends. Often times I have focused on letting people in and giving them the best of me, without really putting thought into if the relationship will be healthy or toxic to me.



FRIENDSHIP:
Is not just about you. Unconsciously, people forget that friends don't necessarily have all the time or the energy needed to invest in listening to your intricate details. Sometimes, a summary of the situation is enough, especially after a detailed introduction to the situation. Keeping it brief will give your friend the feeling that you're not just using them as your personal psychologist or walking diary.

Requires maintenance. A similar event to the watering of a plant to keep it alive. Both sides must be willing to fill each other in on happenings without overwhelming each other. The nurturing should be mutual or neutral. This means an equal effort to see each other or keep in touch. It feels idealistic to a slight degree, but when a friendship is neglected, it wilts regardless of how solid the connection.

Time changes things. Sometimes beautiful relationships blossom and stretch for long periods of time, but it is likely that after a long period of inactivity, those relationships change into something else. It's out of your control, and it just happens.

People aren't accessories. It's not okay to keep someone around for how good you look with them, how much you can get out of them, or how much they're willing to give to you. It's easy to get lost in the idea that only the people that make sacrifices for you are worth it. If you're not willing to sacrifice anything for them in return, chances are that you should re-analyze the dynamics of those you hold closest to you.



THE TRUTH ABOUT TOXIC RELATIONSHIPS:

Sometimes you don't realize the burden of the emotional baggage that your friends load onto you until you're irritated. Many times it is unintentional, but I have found that many expect their friends to sacrifice time and effort for them. Additionally, once they are done, they are not willing to do the same. When you care for someone, you're not likely to want to believe that they are not as healthy for you to keep around as you think. Chances are that you don't even realize how bad they are for you until after you flush them out of your system. It's not okay for people to take advantage of others for the skills and benefits that they can reap from friendship and relationships. I find that this tendency steadily increases in popularity, and it worries me.

It's really annoying when someone doesn't bother to keep in touch with you for months, and is suddenly super buddy-buddy with you in exchange for a gain or benefit. Having a secret agenda of things that you want to get out of someone is not true friendship, that's taking advantage of someone. It's okay if that person is otherwise immersed in a life full of responsibilities, work, other friends, and spouses to look after, especially long distance. Still, don't tell me that you magically remember someone at the very moment when they can conveniently help you with something that you want. Memory isn't that selective, and even the must undisciplined friendships don't slip this long without at least a short text message. Friends aren't tools, and you can't stow them away and forget about them until they are convenient or useful again.



DEALING WITH A TOXIC RELAT
IONSHIP:
Burning bridges isn't wise. A more sensible way of dealing with your toxic friends is to make a conscious effort to remind them that they need to invest a little effort into keeping in touch. It doesn't matter how busy your working life or your social life is. If you care about someone, you should let them know. Even a silly little instant message, text message, or e-mail work wonders sometimes. It doesn't mean that you need to make it a chore of going down the list of friends to report back it, it's more of a conscious effort to let people know that even though you're busy, you still care about them.

If you're looking to cut loose from someone that is draining your energy, I don't suggest bluntly stating "you're using me" right off the bat. Sometimes the truth hurts and friends lash out when you tell them the uncomfortable truth. It's amazing how people expect you to digest everything down to borderline sugarcoating the message, but I've found that not everyone is capable of handling the truth. Even less when the unbalanced dynamic has been going on for years. Discrete hints should do the trick. If they don't pick up after a steady dose, they probably don't want to or are too oblivious to notice. That's not your responsibility, though.

Writing this article has brought me a lot of clarity on what I should continue to do, and I hope it does the same for my readers as well. My friends are my treasure.

Credit goes to Gala Darling and Nubby Twiglet for the pictures!
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11 comments:

  1. COMMENTS FROM FACEBOOK:
    Staci Low said: this was such a good read, and a blatant reminder for me.

    Antonio Flores said: I can't say I haven't thought of this before but it's always nice to be reminded to "tend" to your relationships. In my field, we learn that bonds between groups and individuals can be very strong, but at the same time incredibly fragile, which is something that people don't usually want to talk about.

    Giving something a label is empowering, and I hope things work out for you. Personally though, I think that regardless of how people may treat your willingness to be genuine, as long as you can sleep with a clear mind and conscience you're probably good.

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  2. keep on keeping on my dear..pull in the relationships that support and love from the ones that are able to support back. I'm gunning for ya! XOXO

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  3. Thank you so much Marcella! Your support means a lot to me!

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  4. I'm so happy to know and have someone that inspires me so much, even if we barely have time or even see eachother. This post made me think, to further organize myself and get rid of toxic relationship non romantic, atleast.
    Also, the girls in the photos are so cute ~ *3*

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  5. They are, aren't they? Some of my fave bloggers too! I def. recommend checking them out!

    Its been difficult for us to keep in touch, but I always keep up with your tweets/LJ posts and I remember you fondly! You've been like an angel for me, because you showed me the light at one of the darkest times of my life!

    Thanks so much Nati, and put all your best into your own work!

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  6. i've definitely had some toxic friendships that i've gotten rid of in the last year and my life has been a lot better for it!

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  7. Jessica! An honor to have you drop by, I really enjoyed your blog!

    Sometimes one just has to let go in order to allow for better things to come...

    xoxo

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  8. This post was really inspiring!

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  9. Thank you, Elli! : ) I'm glad you got something out of it!

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  10. Thank you my blessed Twin :) I dont know where I would be without this blog it so true I have been hurt so many times by people it breaks me :(

    I am tired of getting hurt I trust no one my family that is it and the man that left me are the only people I trust I pray after our reading now that life will get better for me because im just tired of being judged and IM such a decent person !!!! I do get a bit scared and panicky but I would never harm any one !!!!!!!!!!! Cant wait now for another spread pay day would want to hurry up bless you Samhain hugs xxxxxx

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  11. Chin up, don't let those people hurt you... Get used to the idea that you're a one woman army!!

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